Some fun excerpts (each from a separate layoff): > It all began when a dystopian future emerged, spelling trouble for our company. > During the course of a re

Some fun excerpts (each from a separate layoff): > It all began when a dystopian future emerged, spelling trouble for our company. > During the course of a recent office decor overhaul, a team of experts recommended the installation of an avocado green interior color scheme, in an effort to bring a youthful, creative flair to the workplace. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to us, avocados are a known source of malignant luck. The presence of this meddlesome shade of green seemed to bring about an unavoidable streak of bad luck, leading to a series of unfortunate economic and corporate decisions that ultimately culminated in the layoffs. > As you may know, I recently passed a kidney stone, which was an incredibly painful experience. Unfortunately, this caused a butterfly-like effect that ultimately led to the layoffs. I know this may sound far-fetched, but it's true! > Turns out, the coffee beans were switched with something else - unbeknownst to us at the time, they were cheap imitation beans. After further investigation, the switch was caused by an employee who was trying to save money. Unfortunately, due to the mistake, the amount of money it cost us to remedy the situation was incredibly high, resulting in the need to lay off 11% of our employees in order to keep the company afloat. > Yes, our company recently decided to set out on a Medieval Quest, and unfortunately the costs associated with such a venture have been far too great for us to bear at this time. This has resulted in us having to make the difficult decision to lay off 11% of our workforce. I take full responsibility for this decision. > It is with a heavy heart that I must report that we are letting go of 15% of our workforce due to a series of unexpected events surrounding the zombie apocalypse. > It turns out that due to a time slip caused by a recent glitch in the space-time continuum, some of our more crucial personnel were displaced in the void of time.