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Yes - I think I'm currently going through it. Throughout my career I've constantly felt like I've failed upwards. I'm now 1 rung down from CTO and frankly if

Yes - I think I'm currently going through it. Throughout my career I've constantly felt like I've failed upwards. I'm now 1 rung down from CTO and frankly if it wasn't for my anxiety I could probably fill that role, but lately i've found myself saying repeatedly to my wife "I just want to be a small cog again". I left enterprise IT 5 years ago for reasons I can no longer quite remember - I think most of it was because I felt like I had nowhere to go and I couldn't engage with the work I was doing. In retrospect, maybe I didn't try hard enough to find fulfilling work within that company? I loved my colleagues and it turns out the corporate structure actually worked for me - I like the relative safety of 25 levels of beaurocracy and middle management as long as I get left to do some problem-solving. Now I work in startups, It feels like I'm constantly about to collapse from the anxiety of the unknown. As a grown-ass adult, I've had awful experiences of people shouting in my face because some unimportant task has not been completed, which is not something I should have to tolerate. I keep telling myself that "they need you, you don't need them" and looking for ways out, but my anxiety around stability for my family means I can't just bin it off and go for something else in this current job market. I've done CBT but it doesn't really work for me. I need to engage direct therapy at this point I think. I also try to find hobbies that are completely detached from what I do for a day job.

balex 4y ago
It's okay, it's totally legitimate to feel overwhelmed. You're right, no one should be shouting at you. And you're also right that you can find another job. It's also fine to go ahead and work for an enterprise if you feel it could ease the tension for you or you just feel like it. I often miss being an IC as well - it's so much simpler and the mental barriers are comforting. Do try psychotherapy. At the very least, talking about things you're going through can bring you relief and possibly actionable insights. I strongly recommend some kind of sport as a hobby. There's something powerful about routinely choosing to be uncomfortable (to a tolerable level) and seeing your body and mind transform as a result. Not to mention it becomes really (oddly?) fun at some point.

balex 4y ago

It's okay, it's totally legitimate to feel overwhelmed. You're right, no one should be shouting at you. And you're also right that you can find another job. It's also fine to go ahead and work for an enterprise if you feel it could ease the tension for you or you just feel like it. I often miss being an IC as well - it's so much simpler and the mental barriers are comforting. Do try psychotherapy. At the very least, talking about things you're going through can bring you relief and possibly actionable insights. I strongly recommend some kind of sport as a hobby. There's something powerful about routinely choosing to be uncomfortable (to a tolerable level) and seeing your body and mind transform as a result. Not to mention it becomes really (oddly?) fun at some point.