You probably need to see a psychologist of some kind. You can't see it, but looking from the outside from someone who's had to deal with psychological demons,

You probably need to see a psychologist of some kind. You can't see it, but looking from the outside from someone who's had to deal with psychological demons, it's blaring straight through your post. There is no shame in it whatsoever. If you get a good one, they can lead you on a path to repairing damage you may not be aware you've taken on, and help you toward building an ordered mind that has a solid direction. Just try a few, because like most professions, only about 1 in 3 are worth the time and money. Without any other details, and not being a psychologist, I might guess you had a family member who demanded high academic performance, and demeaned your value if you didn't present it, which might have put you in a place where you both rebel (as evidenced by the bad grades), and feel drawn to do as was wished of you (participate in academic pursuits). It sounds like you need to develop a clearer sense of self, one that comes from something aligned with what you actually wanted to do, rather than something that was demanded of you. Other than consulting with a psychological professional, you might consider doing some international travel, to refresh your mind.