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How to live near your friends
- testybesty2 4y agoIt definitely helps living in a city as dense as new york...
- moralestapia 4y agoThis is one of the nicest things about studying abroad as its very common for all students to live together and/or in the same neghborhoods. There's always something happening within walking distance. Good times!
- mark_l_watson 4y agoWhile I agree with what the author says, there is another strategy also: frequently walk around your neighborhood, be friendly, attend local events, etc. I am a tech-person who lives in a small town in the mountains. There are people to make friends with everywhere - but they may not share your exact job skills, technical interests, etc.
- morog 4y agoAlso moved to a small mountain town a few years back. Despite the much wider range of age groups and interests of the people living here, I've made more friends than I did in my last decade of living in the city. People walk places and have time to chat. If you want to get involved, there are plenty of classes and groups going on or just go sit in a coffee shop or pub, turn your phone off and talk to someone.
- ProllyInfamous 4y agoMy two best friends in my small mountain community are together fifty-five years older than me... but this doesn't stop endless conversation. We're each "effectively retired" but continue tinkering in our own ways with our world(s).
- tluyben2 4y agoYep, was coming here to say that; you can make friends that live close by instead. Also in a mountain village (5 different ones over 20 years) and it’s very easy to make friends; at least a lot easier than getting people to move over here (many did, but it took a far more time than making new friends). Surprisingly many people who do have the same or similar interests and skills.
- daveevad 4y agoThe first two tips: host dinner parties and sublet your apartment are not widely applicable.
- newaccount74 4y agoI agree on the subletting part, but why is hosting dinner parties "not widely applicable"?
- daveevad 4y agofrom my perspective, both require way more disposable income and time than is reasonably available. perhaps i'm not being charitable and full disclosure: i don't live near many friends.
- mrkstu 4y agoSometimes the lessons of fairy tales teach us valuable lessons- in this case, read 'Stone Soup'[0] for inspiration. [0]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stone_Soup#Story https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stone_Soup#Story
- tetromino_ 4y agoIn my social circle, it is rude to be invited to a dinner party and then neither bring some food nor come early to help with cooking/setup. Amount of disposable income and time needed is less than you think.
- legerdemain 4y agoNot the same person, but in my case: - I don't have friends nearby, so I'd be mostly having a "come one, come all" potluck with strangers in my building. - All the units in my building are the same, so no one is curious to come over. - About half the units are corporate apartments rented by Google for visiting employees and applicants. - No one uses the online message board, except the leasing office employees.
- vostok 4y ago
- legerdemain 4y agoIt really sounds like the author is female, has many female friends, and leads some kind of "Sex and the City" New York lifestyle. Like, maybe this works in NYC for some dedicated people, but in less dense, less hip, less young, less trendy settings, none of these things work, or at least they're not very relevant. Like, maybe it would work if I moved to a very posh place in SoMa, and I had a bunch of girlfriends who I could tantalize with the location and the decor and the rooftop nightclub. But I don't, won't, and almost no one does, either. The coolest event at my neighborhood cafe is homework club and it's a couple doors down from a fraternal Eagles Lounge with a pool table and a jukebox. There are plenty of places to live listed on Zillow, although they're neither cheap nor necessarily very nice. Most people I know work from home, rarely leave home, and lead lives of Netflix.
- legerdemain 4y agoOK, I lied. The coolest event at my neighborhood cafe is a 6am motorcycle club meetup before their group ride, but I don't have a hawg and have no intent to buy one.
- vostok 4y ago> Like, maybe this works in NYC It sounds like the author deliberately moved to NYC. They didn't just accidentally end up in a place where this is possible.
- legerdemain 4y agoWhere in the blog post do you see that?
- momdad420 4y ago[dead]
- brailsafe 4y agoWouldn't you consider that to be your area's problem rather than the author's? It's pretty common for people to leave their suburban wasteland birthplace in search of something else. When I think of the qualities that attract me to the city where my highschool was, it's only that I'd be closer to my aging grandparents. Any friends I'm still in contact with I see just about as much as I would if I lived there. Beyond that, there isn't one single redeeming quality that can be discretely taken advantage of.
- leashless 4y agoI’ve been a part of set ups like this off and on over thirty years and it’s always been amazing. Really good model, and fairly safe failure modes. If it goes sour you don’t have to see people. When your lease ends you just move.
- actually_a_dog 4y agoYou do have to see them if they live in your apartment like the post describes. No thanks.
- Gigachad 4y agoDo you? It seems like such a rare occurrence. I couldn’t pick out the person living in the apartment next to me from a line of people. I’ve seen them twice in the last 12 months.
- actually_a_dog 4y agoThat's because they live in the apartment next to you, not your apartment.
- Gigachad 4y agoAh indeed. I misread the comment.
- marymkearney 4y agoWord of caution. It can go sour. It's really awkward. I have a group of 20 to 30 friends nearby. Walkable, east coast, not NYC, fun friendly place to live. It's amazing how fast one badly-behaved person can create chaos and uproar in a group like this. People take sides, or they try not to take sides, or they ignore cruel behaviors because they don't want to rock the boat. I'm still friends with almost everyone, mostly because I now have really strict boundaries re privacy, after weathering a couple of these local incidents. It can work. It works best if you keep some stuff private, and save it for your non-proximate crew. In the immortal words of Hank Williams, "If you mind your own business then you won't be minding mine ... If you mind your own business you'll stay busy all the time."
- stevenjgarner 4y agoI cannot emphasize this point enough. If members of an intentional community are really intent on becoming the best versions of themselves, I posit the probability of them growing through the common shared interests and diverging from one another is somewhat assured. Better to relish the shared moments throughout the journey of life, especially if they require extensive travel to be enjoyed. In my own journey, my first wife and I travelled half way around the world to join an intentional meditation community of more than 1,000 in the US. We were young and delusional. While memorable experiences were had, the community as a whole fractured through inevitable evolution of lifestyle differences, political differences, divorces (and intermarriage) and subtle but extremely important differences in values, morals and ethics. It is all too easy for the passion of like mindedness to mask the much deeper core values of your own familial and cultural background, to which I find most people return later in life.
- marymkearney 4y ago< the passion of like-mindedness > This is so universal, there must be a name for it: Our assumption that if someone shares our passion for meditation, or climate activism, or lean startup, etc., they must be just like us. I still do this! Best I can say is, I've shortened the interval to when Rational Brain overrides Tribal Brain and says no, we share a passion, otherwise we have little in common. If I may ask, how long did you stay in the community, were you there when the worst drama happened, and what drove you out?
- foreigner 4y agoIt's easy in your 20s and early 30s, but breaks down in your late 30s and 40s. Couples get married, have kids, want to live somewhere with more space and/or move away to pursue their careers. I'm curious what happens in the 50s and 60s. Once kids leave home and careers are established or winding down towards retirement, what happens to the social circle?
- marymkearney 4y agoThere's definitely some churn at that stage, from retirement, divorce, career change, etc. But it brings folks in, at about the same rate it takes them out. My neighborhood group I described above is mostly that demographic, some younger, some older. When the kids leave for college or work, the adults look for other adults to play with. It's a fun stage of life. This group likes outdoorsy things, hiking, canoeing, camping, skiing, along with the usual potlucks and barbecues. Despite the occasional drama, it's mostly been a blast. Human nature's much the same everywhere - the core dynamics don't change in older vs younger groups. At least in my observation.
- ankaAr 4y agoThe bar must be really low for friendship in NY if 15 months are enough..
- kaitrain87 4y agoThe reverse is to say you haven't made any 'qualified' friendships that have met your bar after moving into a new city for 15 months. Moving to a new city is hard, and even harder if you have not made any friends after a year. I don't know whether this is a specific dig at NY, but most people who move to a new city would expect to socialize with a few 'new friends' within the year.
- fl0ps 4y ago"While we're at 23 people today (including me), I expect 100 people in our social scene living nearby in one year. (And one day, I expect 1000 people)." This sounds like collecting casual "facebook friends" rather than making actual human connections, practical considerations of maintaining those friendships aside: "Individuals, he says, generally have up to five people in the closest layer. The next closest layer contains an additional 10, the one beyond that an extra 35, and the final group another 100. So cumulatively, the layers contain five, 15, 50, and 150 people." quoting an article referencing Dunbar's research (https://www.technologyreview.com/2016/04/29/160438/your-brain-limits-you-to-just-five-bffs/ https://www.technologyreview.com/2016/04/29/160438/your-brai... )