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What the discussion about loneliness almost never talks about is skills that people that are lonely might lack or any mental health issues they might have. I ha

What the discussion about loneliness almost never talks about is skills that people that are lonely might lack or any mental health issues they might have. I had a very strong social anxiety 10 years ago. I never left the house. I lacked the skills to cope with that. (Therapy in that case helps.) If you're lonely because you don't know how to connect with people, that's an even easier skill to acquire (i.e. read "say what you mean"). I am quite good at connecting with people nowadays and don't feel lonely anymore because I learned how to tune in to my needs, how to communicate with other people and get my needs met. Took a lot of reading, practicing, failing and therapy, but imho that's a viable way to solve that on an individual basis. The modern society is way too disconnected because of false beliefs and easy traps to fall in to (apps "solving" your problem being the problem).

TedDoesntTalk 4y ago
Were you an only child by chance?
- RamblingCTO 4y ago
  Quite the opposite ;) why?
bubblic 4y ago
What if I framed it as “helping people with what I can offer”? I am one person with one set of experiences. I would not claim to know what causes loneliness for everyone, and the helping hand that I offer might be of no help to many. But I try my best, based on my personal experience of loneliness and what I had wished to be there when I was lonely, maybe I can build something for that other person who may be going through something similar and they would cope with it faster and better that I had. That is all. I am no messiah claiming to have a panacea for loneliness, but just a human being offering help to other human beings.
- nicbou 4y ago
  That's a lovely approach to the situation.
- RamblingCTO 4y ago
  Sorry, I wasn't thinking about your app ;) I'm talking about social media apps, texting apps etc. I think your app could actually help someone feel good, maybe not in the long run, but a small moment of connection could go a long way. So keep at it and good luck!
  - bubblic 4y ago
    No offense taken! I just wanted to share where I was coming from, and the future readers of this post would get a better context this way anyways. Hopefully I can go further than making people feel good momentarily. I will think and work endlessly for that end.
dukeofharen 4y ago
I also suffered from a bad case of social anxiety. It probably does not work for everyone, but what really helped me was just going away for 4 weeks. I just returned from my holiday and forced myself to stay in hostels. I was terrified before (having to socialize with unknown people, blegh), but it has been amazing and am really looking forward to doing something like this again. Again, I know it does not work for everyone, but sometimes throwing yourself in the deep, away from your own comfortable home situation, works wonders.
- nicbou 4y ago
  I see this advice a lot, and it's probably good advice, but my experience differs. When I travel solo, I become much more introverted. I think that being in your own head has a stickiness to it, so if you're in it for a while, it's hard to snap out of it. You can also be quite weary after a day on the road. You might also find solo travel difficult when you're around other people. I love solo travel when I'm in nature, but Friday nights in cities can be dreadful. Still, you will meet people. You don't have to be extroverted, just open to talk. If you're not curious, other people will be. They'll throw you the ball. You just have to throw it back. Bless these people.
  - brewdad 4y ago
    Maybe look at the culture of the people where you are traveling to if looking to break out of a shell of your own creation. Sitting at a bar in Ireland good. Sitting at the same bar in Sweden or Seattle bad.
    - whstl 4y ago
      I have a story related to this. It wasn't a bar, I was in Germany traveling without set destination by train (thanks, 9 euro ticket). However, the stereotypically cold Germans were actually highly receptive of a random stranger talking with them. I was invited to changed destinations a few times to hang out in random cities, and started a couple friendships. Of course those were also people taking advantage of the 9 euro ticket, so there's a lot of selection bias here. :)
mach1ne 4y ago
Yeah, few people understand that basic human communication abilities are actually not given, but learned. If an individual lacked the necessary comrades in their youth they might actually be incapable of forming proper relationships, at all. The skills do come with practice, but that requires a great deal of discomfort, since you're knowingly putting yourself in situations which most likely do fail miserably due to your lack of social skills. Their fear of social situations is not unfounded but very real.
- DoingIsLearning 4y ago
  > If an individual lacked the necessary comrades in their youth they might actually be incapable of forming proper relationships, at all. I think the struggle for a lot of adults is not in the interaction or in the start but in the maintaining relationships. This is easy in school and university because of the free time and co-location, the challenge is to do it when we all go our separate ways. In that sense I do feel like I lack the skills and the mental CRM system to keep walking those friendship footpaths before all the weeds and time make these footpaths slowly vanish.
  - mach1ne 4y ago
    Sure, but I think that's a different kind of loneliness than that of lonely people who have practically never had a proper friendship in their lives.
  - RamblingCTO 4y ago
    That's a point the book I mentioned actually touches. We're not in tune with our needs and don't work on our problems, so we focus on work, social media etc. But we lack the focus on what makes life worth living. It's human connection, being in tune with yourself, nature. You have to make the time to focus on these things. We are very easily distracted by non-important things. We have to put in the work to stay connected (to others and ourselves) and get our needs met, simple as that. So what I'm saying is: not sure it's a skill problem (it might be if we're talking about staying connected to what you need) but a societal problem
hasbot 4y ago
You say read "Say What You Mean" but there are multiple books with a title containing that phrase. Can you disambiguate?
- RamblingCTO 4y ago
  Ah, didn't know that. I mean the one from Oren Sofer!

TedDoesntTalk 4y ago

Were you an only child by chance?

RamblingCTO 4y ago
Quite the opposite ;) why?

bubblic 4y ago

What if I framed it as “helping people with what I can offer”? I am one person with one set of experiences. I would not claim to know what causes loneliness for everyone, and the helping hand that I offer might be of no help to many. But I try my best, based on my personal experience of loneliness and what I had wished to be there when I was lonely, maybe I can build something for that other person who may be going through something similar and they would cope with it faster and better that I had. That is all. I am no messiah claiming to have a panacea for loneliness, but just a human being offering help to other human beings.

nicbou 4y ago
That's a lovely approach to the situation.
RamblingCTO 4y ago
Sorry, I wasn't thinking about your app ;) I'm talking about social media apps, texting apps etc. I think your app could actually help someone feel good, maybe not in the long run, but a small moment of connection could go a long way. So keep at it and good luck!
- bubblic 4y ago
  No offense taken! I just wanted to share where I was coming from, and the future readers of this post would get a better context this way anyways. Hopefully I can go further than making people feel good momentarily. I will think and work endlessly for that end.

dukeofharen 4y ago

I also suffered from a bad case of social anxiety. It probably does not work for everyone, but what really helped me was just going away for 4 weeks. I just returned from my holiday and forced myself to stay in hostels. I was terrified before (having to socialize with unknown people, blegh), but it has been amazing and am really looking forward to doing something like this again. Again, I know it does not work for everyone, but sometimes throwing yourself in the deep, away from your own comfortable home situation, works wonders.

nicbou 4y ago
I see this advice a lot, and it's probably good advice, but my experience differs. When I travel solo, I become much more introverted. I think that being in your own head has a stickiness to it, so if you're in it for a while, it's hard to snap out of it. You can also be quite weary after a day on the road. You might also find solo travel difficult when you're around other people. I love solo travel when I'm in nature, but Friday nights in cities can be dreadful. Still, you will meet people. You don't have to be extroverted, just open to talk. If you're not curious, other people will be. They'll throw you the ball. You just have to throw it back. Bless these people.
- brewdad 4y ago
  Maybe look at the culture of the people where you are traveling to if looking to break out of a shell of your own creation. Sitting at a bar in Ireland good. Sitting at the same bar in Sweden or Seattle bad.
  - whstl 4y ago
    I have a story related to this. It wasn't a bar, I was in Germany traveling without set destination by train (thanks, 9 euro ticket). However, the stereotypically cold Germans were actually highly receptive of a random stranger talking with them. I was invited to changed destinations a few times to hang out in random cities, and started a couple friendships. Of course those were also people taking advantage of the 9 euro ticket, so there's a lot of selection bias here. :)

mach1ne 4y ago

Yeah, few people understand that basic human communication abilities are actually not given, but learned. If an individual lacked the necessary comrades in their youth they might actually be incapable of forming proper relationships, at all. The skills do come with practice, but that requires a great deal of discomfort, since you're knowingly putting yourself in situations which most likely do fail miserably due to your lack of social skills. Their fear of social situations is not unfounded but very real.

DoingIsLearning 4y ago
> If an individual lacked the necessary comrades in their youth they might actually be incapable of forming proper relationships, at all. I think the struggle for a lot of adults is not in the interaction or in the start but in the maintaining relationships. This is easy in school and university because of the free time and co-location, the challenge is to do it when we all go our separate ways. In that sense I do feel like I lack the skills and the mental CRM system to keep walking those friendship footpaths before all the weeds and time make these footpaths slowly vanish.
- mach1ne 4y ago
  Sure, but I think that's a different kind of loneliness than that of lonely people who have practically never had a proper friendship in their lives.
- RamblingCTO 4y ago
  That's a point the book I mentioned actually touches. We're not in tune with our needs and don't work on our problems, so we focus on work, social media etc. But we lack the focus on what makes life worth living. It's human connection, being in tune with yourself, nature. You have to make the time to focus on these things. We are very easily distracted by non-important things. We have to put in the work to stay connected (to others and ourselves) and get our needs met, simple as that. So what I'm saying is: not sure it's a skill problem (it might be if we're talking about staying connected to what you need) but a societal problem

hasbot 4y ago

You say read "Say What You Mean" but there are multiple books with a title containing that phrase. Can you disambiguate?

RamblingCTO 4y ago
Ah, didn't know that. I mean the one from Oren Sofer!