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The big difference between most people's relationship with their father and their mother (at least for us of a certain age) is that fathers historically were no

by zwkrt 4y ago

The big difference between most people's relationship with their father and their mother (at least for us of a certain age) is that fathers historically were not involved in caring how their children felt. The traditional role of the father was to lay down the law of the house and to provide income. This comes all the way back from the initial formulation of the nuclear family, which was an imitation of the royal family where the king makes the rules and is responsible for the wealth of the land. I provide that background only to point out that it is based on nothing other than folklore and fairy tales. It was a tradition that served its purpose but is not really necessary in modern times. You can be emotionally involved in your son's life. You can let him know how you are feeling, even if you are feeling weak or unsure. I can't say for sure, but I would investigate if you are more concerned about how your father feels about you as a person or if you are more concerned as to whether or not he thinks that you are a success. Is he the voice in your head that says "you can do it, I believe in you!" or "you better not mess up!"? Part of this has to do with being emotionally competent yourself, which is something that you can work on.

ravishi 4y ago
That is a great observation and fits properly with my situation. My father is "old style", while I strive to overcome sexism and develop an emotional bond with my son. I am proud to be involved in his care for his first year and a half: bathing, diaper changing and sleep were all my duties. That is indeed half of the picture. The one I am proud and hopeful about. The other half involves religion. This is the lost cause. His whole world view is built on top of dogmatic religious practice, which I have long rejected. Up to this point it didn't bother me at all: I respect his religious practices and even engage while visiting. But I won't hide my lifestyle choices because of this. I try my best to be considerate, but something will leak. I am not going to deceive him. There was a brief moment when he was disconnected from his practices. I was maybe 19 at the time. We talked about life and I got some "father advice". It didn't last long, and now all advice is tainted by religion. It is not useful nor practical. I can accept it, be considerate and try to adapt it, but it is ultimately useless. This drives us apart slowly.

by zwkrt 4y ago

ravishi 4y ago

That is a great observation and fits properly with my situation. My father is "old style", while I strive to overcome sexism and develop an emotional bond with my son. I am proud to be involved in his care for his first year and a half: bathing, diaper changing and sleep were all my duties. That is indeed half of the picture. The one I am proud and hopeful about. The other half involves religion. This is the lost cause. His whole world view is built on top of dogmatic religious practice, which I have long rejected. Up to this point it didn't bother me at all: I respect his religious practices and even engage while visiting. But I won't hide my lifestyle choices because of this. I try my best to be considerate, but something will leak. I am not going to deceive him. There was a brief moment when he was disconnected from his practices. I was maybe 19 at the time. We talked about life and I got some "father advice". It didn't last long, and now all advice is tainted by religion. It is not useful nor practical. I can accept it, be considerate and try to adapt it, but it is ultimately useless. This drives us apart slowly.