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I have always taken my good relationship with my father for granted. Not sure how to properly express this in english, but I don't remember having issues with h

I have always taken my good relationship with my father for granted. Not sure how to properly express this in english, but I don't remember having issues with him. We were present in each others' lives but while at the same time not connected. Yesterday while visiting him it just struck me like a lightning strike that I had no connection with him. Our world views are so fundamentally different that I might have disrespected him by some honest mistake. It was a difficult realization to process, but I feel like there's no going back from this. Something very deep inside has changed. I spent the night awaken next to my toddler thinking how I want a different fate for our own relationship, while at the same time having no clue how to even bring this up to my father. He expects something from me that I just can't (and don't) want to give. Still, I think this is progress, somehow.

zwkrt 4y ago
The big difference between most people's relationship with their father and their mother (at least for us of a certain age) is that fathers historically were not involved in caring how their children felt. The traditional role of the father was to lay down the law of the house and to provide income. This comes all the way back from the initial formulation of the nuclear family, which was an imitation of the royal family where the king makes the rules and is responsible for the wealth of the land. I provide that background only to point out that it is based on nothing other than folklore and fairy tales. It was a tradition that served its purpose but is not really necessary in modern times. You can be emotionally involved in your son's life. You can let him know how you are feeling, even if you are feeling weak or unsure. I can't say for sure, but I would investigate if you are more concerned about how your father feels about you as a person or if you are more concerned as to whether or not he thinks that you are a success. Is he the voice in your head that says "you can do it, I believe in you!" or "you better not mess up!"? Part of this has to do with being emotionally competent yourself, which is something that you can work on.
- ravishi 4y ago
  That is a great observation and fits properly with my situation. My father is "old style", while I strive to overcome sexism and develop an emotional bond with my son. I am proud to be involved in his care for his first year and a half: bathing, diaper changing and sleep were all my duties. That is indeed half of the picture. The one I am proud and hopeful about. The other half involves religion. This is the lost cause. His whole world view is built on top of dogmatic religious practice, which I have long rejected. Up to this point it didn't bother me at all: I respect his religious practices and even engage while visiting. But I won't hide my lifestyle choices because of this. I try my best to be considerate, but something will leak. I am not going to deceive him. There was a brief moment when he was disconnected from his practices. I was maybe 19 at the time. We talked about life and I got some "father advice". It didn't last long, and now all advice is tainted by religion. It is not useful nor practical. I can accept it, be considerate and try to adapt it, but it is ultimately useless. This drives us apart slowly.
stefandesu 4y ago
I have a somewhat similar issue. He was never really present in my life (working too much etc.) and so we never connected. But he's also just a... somewhat unpleasant person to be around. If it's more than a few hours, it starts to get too much, so I rarely stay overnight in my home town. Recently (last Christmas) he's been making an effort to connect with me, but it's just so awkward and makes visits for me even more unpleasant. I just can't imagine ever connecting with him, no matter how hard he tries. (Doesn't help that he's recently started smoking again after like 15 years of being clean. I just don't understand it.) It's most pronounced in my relationship with my father, but it's also my family in general. I feel a bit more connected to my mom and my grandparents, but I just can't say my family is very important to me, even if it sounds sad. My friends have always been my substitute family, in a way, even as a child, and it's even stronger now as a single adult. I probably spend more times with my friends from Norway (I live in Germany) in a single year than with my family in a decade. Needless to say, this is also an unresolved issue for me. Not sure if it's possible to solve it other than accepting how it is.
- ravishi 4y ago
  I'm happy to read you have good friends. I have a really hard time in that front. Few friends, unable to nourish the friendships. They mostly live away. I have started to take action to keep in touch recently, but I'm still just learning how to do it. I would like to do it in person rather than through text or calls, which is impossible at the moment. I have no clue how to make new ones either, since I work from home. Still an unresolved issue too and like you I might just accept it for now, keeping an eye for future opportunities. I guess this is why my family has become so important lately. The perils of fatherhood away from any support just push me in this direction.
  - stefandesu 4y ago
    Making friends is indeed getting more and more difficult the older you get. I feel extremely lucky that I found a great group of friends during high school and somehow we were able to nourish this group and even grow it over time. All the best for you on your journey!

zwkrt 4y ago

The big difference between most people's relationship with their father and their mother (at least for us of a certain age) is that fathers historically were not involved in caring how their children felt. The traditional role of the father was to lay down the law of the house and to provide income. This comes all the way back from the initial formulation of the nuclear family, which was an imitation of the royal family where the king makes the rules and is responsible for the wealth of the land. I provide that background only to point out that it is based on nothing other than folklore and fairy tales. It was a tradition that served its purpose but is not really necessary in modern times. You can be emotionally involved in your son's life. You can let him know how you are feeling, even if you are feeling weak or unsure. I can't say for sure, but I would investigate if you are more concerned about how your father feels about you as a person or if you are more concerned as to whether or not he thinks that you are a success. Is he the voice in your head that says "you can do it, I believe in you!" or "you better not mess up!"? Part of this has to do with being emotionally competent yourself, which is something that you can work on.

ravishi 4y ago
That is a great observation and fits properly with my situation. My father is "old style", while I strive to overcome sexism and develop an emotional bond with my son. I am proud to be involved in his care for his first year and a half: bathing, diaper changing and sleep were all my duties. That is indeed half of the picture. The one I am proud and hopeful about. The other half involves religion. This is the lost cause. His whole world view is built on top of dogmatic religious practice, which I have long rejected. Up to this point it didn't bother me at all: I respect his religious practices and even engage while visiting. But I won't hide my lifestyle choices because of this. I try my best to be considerate, but something will leak. I am not going to deceive him. There was a brief moment when he was disconnected from his practices. I was maybe 19 at the time. We talked about life and I got some "father advice". It didn't last long, and now all advice is tainted by religion. It is not useful nor practical. I can accept it, be considerate and try to adapt it, but it is ultimately useless. This drives us apart slowly.

stefandesu 4y ago

I have a somewhat similar issue. He was never really present in my life (working too much etc.) and so we never connected. But he's also just a... somewhat unpleasant person to be around. If it's more than a few hours, it starts to get too much, so I rarely stay overnight in my home town. Recently (last Christmas) he's been making an effort to connect with me, but it's just so awkward and makes visits for me even more unpleasant. I just can't imagine ever connecting with him, no matter how hard he tries. (Doesn't help that he's recently started smoking again after like 15 years of being clean. I just don't understand it.) It's most pronounced in my relationship with my father, but it's also my family in general. I feel a bit more connected to my mom and my grandparents, but I just can't say my family is very important to me, even if it sounds sad. My friends have always been my substitute family, in a way, even as a child, and it's even stronger now as a single adult. I probably spend more times with my friends from Norway (I live in Germany) in a single year than with my family in a decade. Needless to say, this is also an unresolved issue for me. Not sure if it's possible to solve it other than accepting how it is.

ravishi 4y ago
I'm happy to read you have good friends. I have a really hard time in that front. Few friends, unable to nourish the friendships. They mostly live away. I have started to take action to keep in touch recently, but I'm still just learning how to do it. I would like to do it in person rather than through text or calls, which is impossible at the moment. I have no clue how to make new ones either, since I work from home. Still an unresolved issue too and like you I might just accept it for now, keeping an eye for future opportunities. I guess this is why my family has become so important lately. The perils of fatherhood away from any support just push me in this direction.
- stefandesu 4y ago
  Making friends is indeed getting more and more difficult the older you get. I feel extremely lucky that I found a great group of friends during high school and somehow we were able to nourish this group and even grow it over time. All the best for you on your journey!