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All those "school of thought" are just trends. Good parenthood is about being present and giving them attention, helping them understand the world and so on.

All those "school of thought" are just trends. Good parenthood is about being present and giving them attention, helping them understand the world and so on. Preventing them to completely use technology is BS. Let them use them, but going back to what I've said before, you need to be present in their lives. This means if they are spending too much time with it, it's up to you to enforce limits. But don't be a rude or too invasive parent, as they'll grow old and in around 12 years or so, they will start to judge you a lot and will become much more independent, you want them to have good childhood memories and remember that they have a supportive parent, not live full of resentment because their parents were so anal about following a trendy parenting method. Help them to build relationship with friends and live in a safe community. Avoid having high expectations of them and just let them live peacefully their lives and make their own choices. Let them from early on to make their own calls, even if you dislike it. This is where parents usually fail, they don't let their kids do what they want. And of course, if those calls don't work well, make sure they feel responsible for it. Don't get them into 10 different activities, like music, swimming, football and so on, so they find their "gift" or some kind of BS. Let them do what they want and help them follow their interests. In the end, you have much less control than you think you do. Also, as you added 2 new human beings to the world, make sure you invest time on them. If you'll pay for a nanny, have them most of the day at school and so on and excuse yourself for doing those things to "put money at the table" or whatever excuse... start by changing yourself and finding a career that enables you to give them time. Your time is the most precious resource you can give them.

rsj_hn 4y ago
Parenting strategies, like war plans, rarely survive first contact with the enemy.
- iExploder 4y ago
  every parent has a plan until their child has a nuclear melt down demanding chocolate and cake at 3 am in the morning
  - groestl 4y ago
    I like this thread :D But be good to yourself too. You don't have to be the perfect parent all the time, as long as you are nice to your kid(s) most of the time.
    - red-iron-pine 4y ago
      What are you implying? Drug the kids cake so that we can sleep?
      - groestl 4y ago
        I though I've laid it out: you don't have to be the perfect parent all the time, so please don't suffer because you cannot always adhere to your own quality standard ("no cake at 3am"). I say this because many do and suffer when they are not perfect. And they think they are alone in this.
gbrunacci 4y ago
> In the end, you have much less control than you think you do. I love how you articulated this. It really sums up how I feel them times I get too strict on things "because it will be good for their future". Not saying it is not necessary sometimes, but don't expect things will work as planned regardless how much you enforce it.
Helmut10001 4y ago
> Good parenthood is about being present and giving them attention Specifically this one - spend time with your kids is the most valuable thing you can do. To understand my own character and how my parents affected it, I liked Jesper Juul (e.g. "Your Competent Child"). Its well thought through and reflecting, starting with yourself instead of the child.
throw_pm23 4y ago
Agreeing with all that you say, except the claim that preventing technology is BS. If a tablet or smartphone is available it is almost always what kids will choose, if you don't make it available, they can do and learn better things. Sure, you cannot prevent it forever, but that's not the goal, just to postpone it until they are well-equipped to handle it. The same really with alcohol or smoking. You cannot prevent your children forever from trying it, but it is a huge difference whether they are exposed to it at 12 or 18. Nobody argues "let children drink and smoke and decide for themselves whether it is good or not". EDIT: one important aspect is credibility and example. Kids will of course pick up on it if you are addicted to the phone, while you don't let them use it. "Do, don't tell", etc.
- thiago_fm 4y ago
  Is that so? So a kid will always prefer to use a tablet than visit their fun friends or do something exciting? They likely use it because they are bored, just like adults are. We're all humans in the end. Just let them use it, but if they use too much, you need to give a good example of what would be an alternative, also what are their responsibilities. If they are getting good grades and keep their room organized, why can't they do whatever they like? This smells like abuse. Is it really different if a kid is exposed to cigars at 12 or 18? I don't think so. I just wouldn't give them cigars and would make sure that they know how bad this is for their health, as well live in a community that would lessen the likelihood of such thing happening. You don't have control of whether this will happen though. But in the end, they'll fulfil their own destiny, if their ultimate destiny is to smoke cigarettes or do heroine when they grow up, let it be. Try to conquer them with your example, and they will want to follow your footsteps. But if you are boring adult with a shitty life and sad, be sure they'll find another example to aspire to.
  - lm28469 4y ago
    > So a kid will always prefer to use a tablet than visit their fun friends or do something exciting? Would a nomad from 2000 years ago prefer your jar of honey or roaming for 3 hours to find a few berries and a squirrel ? You should look at "formative years", how habits are formed and picked by young kids, &c. they are sponges, much more than adults are
mikebos 4y ago
The only thing I can add, life is not a race. Nobody want's to be the first at the finishing line. So encourage them not only to do serious stuff but also fun stuff. And don't take the serious stuff too serious, they will get there in their own time.
fatnoah 4y ago
> Good parenthood is about being present and giving them attention, helping them understand the world and so on My spawn is 15 years old, and this has always been my #1 goal. In fact, it led my family to sell our house in the burbs and move downtown to a city. I worked in the city and my better half outside the city. As a result of the move, we were both about 20 minutes away from home and, unlike my previous 1 hour commute, I could be available to coach afterschool sports or do AM dropoff.
mvcatsifma 4y ago
Father of three here. This is great advice, thank you.
kerpotgh 4y ago
Agree with just about everything except that preventing access to technology is BS. It’s almost certainly not and you don’t want a kid relying on a tablet for entertainment or having access to some very bad perspectives online.

rsj_hn 4y ago

Parenting strategies, like war plans, rarely survive first contact with the enemy.

iExploder 4y ago
every parent has a plan until their child has a nuclear melt down demanding chocolate and cake at 3 am in the morning
- groestl 4y ago
  I like this thread :D But be good to yourself too. You don't have to be the perfect parent all the time, as long as you are nice to your kid(s) most of the time.
  - red-iron-pine 4y ago
    What are you implying? Drug the kids cake so that we can sleep?
    - groestl 4y ago
      I though I've laid it out: you don't have to be the perfect parent all the time, so please don't suffer because you cannot always adhere to your own quality standard ("no cake at 3am"). I say this because many do and suffer when they are not perfect. And they think they are alone in this.

gbrunacci 4y ago

> In the end, you have much less control than you think you do. I love how you articulated this. It really sums up how I feel them times I get too strict on things "because it will be good for their future". Not saying it is not necessary sometimes, but don't expect things will work as planned regardless how much you enforce it.

Helmut10001 4y ago

> Good parenthood is about being present and giving them attention Specifically this one - spend time with your kids is the most valuable thing you can do. To understand my own character and how my parents affected it, I liked Jesper Juul (e.g. "Your Competent Child"). Its well thought through and reflecting, starting with yourself instead of the child.

throw_pm23 4y ago

Agreeing with all that you say, except the claim that preventing technology is BS. If a tablet or smartphone is available it is almost always what kids will choose, if you don't make it available, they can do and learn better things. Sure, you cannot prevent it forever, but that's not the goal, just to postpone it until they are well-equipped to handle it. The same really with alcohol or smoking. You cannot prevent your children forever from trying it, but it is a huge difference whether they are exposed to it at 12 or 18. Nobody argues "let children drink and smoke and decide for themselves whether it is good or not". EDIT: one important aspect is credibility and example. Kids will of course pick up on it if you are addicted to the phone, while you don't let them use it. "Do, don't tell", etc.

thiago_fm 4y ago
Is that so? So a kid will always prefer to use a tablet than visit their fun friends or do something exciting? They likely use it because they are bored, just like adults are. We're all humans in the end. Just let them use it, but if they use too much, you need to give a good example of what would be an alternative, also what are their responsibilities. If they are getting good grades and keep their room organized, why can't they do whatever they like? This smells like abuse. Is it really different if a kid is exposed to cigars at 12 or 18? I don't think so. I just wouldn't give them cigars and would make sure that they know how bad this is for their health, as well live in a community that would lessen the likelihood of such thing happening. You don't have control of whether this will happen though. But in the end, they'll fulfil their own destiny, if their ultimate destiny is to smoke cigarettes or do heroine when they grow up, let it be. Try to conquer them with your example, and they will want to follow your footsteps. But if you are boring adult with a shitty life and sad, be sure they'll find another example to aspire to.
- lm28469 4y ago
  > So a kid will always prefer to use a tablet than visit their fun friends or do something exciting? Would a nomad from 2000 years ago prefer your jar of honey or roaming for 3 hours to find a few berries and a squirrel ? You should look at "formative years", how habits are formed and picked by young kids, &c. they are sponges, much more than adults are

mikebos 4y ago

The only thing I can add, life is not a race. Nobody want's to be the first at the finishing line. So encourage them not only to do serious stuff but also fun stuff. And don't take the serious stuff too serious, they will get there in their own time.

fatnoah 4y ago

> Good parenthood is about being present and giving them attention, helping them understand the world and so on My spawn is 15 years old, and this has always been my #1 goal. In fact, it led my family to sell our house in the burbs and move downtown to a city. I worked in the city and my better half outside the city. As a result of the move, we were both about 20 minutes away from home and, unlike my previous 1 hour commute, I could be available to coach afterschool sports or do AM dropoff.

mvcatsifma 4y ago

Father of three here. This is great advice, thank you.

kerpotgh 4y ago

Agree with just about everything except that preventing access to technology is BS. It’s almost certainly not and you don’t want a kid relying on a tablet for entertainment or having access to some very bad perspectives online.