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Hey man good luck! I know some people who have tried and tried before it finally all clicked. One person I can think of now has 4 kids! It can be tough. I'm

Hey man good luck! I know some people who have tried and tried before it finally all clicked. One person I can think of now has 4 kids! It can be tough. I'm sure you don't need any advice. Kids are the best, most meaningful thing you will ever do. Its worth it to keep trying.

birthcontrol 4y ago
[flagged]
tasuki 4y ago
> most meaningful thing you will ever do. Also by far the hardest. In the best case, it is not all roses.
- eloff 4y ago
  The most worthwhile things tend to be hard.
- TheFreim 4y ago
  I have heard that having children expands the upper and lower bounds of happiness and suffering. There are joys pertaining to being a parent that bring you to heights unimaginable, but there are fears and problems that bring you lower. The range is greater.
  - jdhzzz 4y ago
    "You're only as happy as your saddest child."
  - ddrdrck_ 4y ago
    You make it sound like it is a heroin shoot. Actually unless your child has some terrible accident, you're often tired, sometimes angry, but mostly happy. If your child has no specific issue and you experience terrible sadness and suffering, then you should consult a doctor.
opamp 4y ago
> Kids are the best, most meaningful thing you will ever do. Just coming in from the other side, but this is not universally true. Mine has been an absolute nightmare, and I’m in pretty intense therapy trying to keep it all together. My relationship with my wife has been wonderful before and after, so that wasn’t a factor. I’m not trying to dissuade people from having children, but we were completely unprepared for how challenging ours is. Apparently this isn’t the case for everyone.
- sagebird 4y ago
  The language you use is a bit unclear. Your kid is a nightmare? Your kid is challenging? Your relationship with your wife has been wonderful before and after what? The birth? I am in a challenging marriage. I have young kids. My kids are wonderful. I am trying to work things out with my wife for my children's sake. I would be careful with the language you use to frame the problems in your life. How you describe your problems may influence what you see as the solutions. Are you sure it's a problem with your child? Maybe it is a problem with you and your relationships? Anyways, good choice being in therapy. A competent therapist will help you unravel your problems better than some asshole on hn (that's me).
  - opamp 4y ago
    I'll try to keep this from becoming a therapy session to the best of my ability. I don't have all the answers yet ;) > Your kid is a nightmare? Your kid is challenging? This is hard to explain without a larger conversation, but I think one of the primary issues for us is the huge commitment a child can be. We are in a very rural community (close to nil childcare available), very little family support, and both work full-time (luckily from home). Deciding to have a child can be a complex decision, and it seemed like a good idea at the time based on the information we had. Close friends in very similar situations have been successful and happy. There are also a small minority of friends that have similar feelings to us. > Your relationship with your wife has been wonderful before and after what? The birth? Correct. > Are you sure it's a problem with your child? Maybe it is a problem with you and your relationships? I believe the root issue here is a conflict between what we want out of life and the realities young children bring. The things that "fill us up" are generally unsafe for young children (eg. mountaineering in the dead of winter at high altitude). I'm not looking for criticism (unless it's constructive), because the decision has been made. We're doing the best we can and trying to find new techniques/outside help; we're trying our best given what we have. (it's worth noting that I didn't take the parent comment negatively) > Anyways, good choice being in therapy. A competent therapist will help you unravel your problems better than some asshole on hn (that's me). I agree, and I've posted the unfiltered version here. It has helped me mentally reframe our situation in a more positive light, but it's still a journey. Hopefully insight into our specific situation can help someone else along the way. *edit: >I am in a challenging marriage. I have young kids. My kids are wonderful. I am trying to work things out with my wife for my children's sake. I would be careful with the language you use to frame the problems in your life. How you describe your problems may influence what you see as the solutions. This is good advice, and I don't see my child as "the problem" so much as the general situation. The struggle now is recalibrating my world view.
latchkey 4y ago
> Kids are the best, most meaningful thing you will ever do. Heavy dose of "in my opinion..." Kids are absolutely the last thing I've ever wanted in my lifetime. Am I supposed to take your statement as I'll never do anything meaningful? Come on.
- TheFreim 4y ago
  > Am I supposed to take your statement as I'll never do anything meaningful? No, you probably aren't to take that statement that way since the statement never said any such thing. He said "most meaningful" which necessarily implies that there are other meaningful things, just lower in a hierarchy of meaningfulness. Respectfully, you seem quite bitter by reading into what was said, perhaps some introspection about the reason for this reaction would be in order.
  - latchkey 4y ago
    Apologies if I read their or your statement incorrectly. Bitter defined as 'a sense of unjust treatment', is absolutely correct, but 'angry, hurt, or resentful'... nah, none of that. In fact, quite the opposite, I'm extremely happy about my decision to not have children. I'm just not a fan of people who think that it is the most meaningful thing I (or anyone else) could ever do.
    - ddrdrck_ 4y ago
      Actually it depends on what you think is "meaningful". It could be having children, but it also could be discovering a new vaccine, helping other people, or just living a happy life without annoying anyone. In any case, even if one thinks so, I find it quite rude to say that having a kid is the most meaningful thing you can achieve to someone that may not have children ...
  - fennecfoxy 4y ago
    >perhaps some introspection about the reason for this reaction would be in order Perhaps that reason is that many people gay or straight do not want children and being told that our alternative goals aren't the "most" fulfilling ones is pompous and haughty?
birksherty 4y ago
Many people all over the world suffer because their parents give birth without proper thinking by their parents, for selfish reason (to have meaning themselves). Do whatever people want with their own life. But when it involves bringing someone else to life without their consent and no going back, there should be some checks and bounds and should not be for selfish reasons.

birthcontrol 4y ago

[flagged]

tasuki 4y ago

> most meaningful thing you will ever do. Also by far the hardest. In the best case, it is not all roses.

eloff 4y ago
The most worthwhile things tend to be hard.
TheFreim 4y ago
I have heard that having children expands the upper and lower bounds of happiness and suffering. There are joys pertaining to being a parent that bring you to heights unimaginable, but there are fears and problems that bring you lower. The range is greater.
- jdhzzz 4y ago
  "You're only as happy as your saddest child."
- ddrdrck_ 4y ago
  You make it sound like it is a heroin shoot. Actually unless your child has some terrible accident, you're often tired, sometimes angry, but mostly happy. If your child has no specific issue and you experience terrible sadness and suffering, then you should consult a doctor.

opamp 4y ago

> Kids are the best, most meaningful thing you will ever do. Just coming in from the other side, but this is not universally true. Mine has been an absolute nightmare, and I’m in pretty intense therapy trying to keep it all together. My relationship with my wife has been wonderful before and after, so that wasn’t a factor. I’m not trying to dissuade people from having children, but we were completely unprepared for how challenging ours is. Apparently this isn’t the case for everyone.

sagebird 4y ago
The language you use is a bit unclear. Your kid is a nightmare? Your kid is challenging? Your relationship with your wife has been wonderful before and after what? The birth? I am in a challenging marriage. I have young kids. My kids are wonderful. I am trying to work things out with my wife for my children's sake. I would be careful with the language you use to frame the problems in your life. How you describe your problems may influence what you see as the solutions. Are you sure it's a problem with your child? Maybe it is a problem with you and your relationships? Anyways, good choice being in therapy. A competent therapist will help you unravel your problems better than some asshole on hn (that's me).
- opamp 4y ago
  I'll try to keep this from becoming a therapy session to the best of my ability. I don't have all the answers yet ;) > Your kid is a nightmare? Your kid is challenging? This is hard to explain without a larger conversation, but I think one of the primary issues for us is the huge commitment a child can be. We are in a very rural community (close to nil childcare available), very little family support, and both work full-time (luckily from home). Deciding to have a child can be a complex decision, and it seemed like a good idea at the time based on the information we had. Close friends in very similar situations have been successful and happy. There are also a small minority of friends that have similar feelings to us. > Your relationship with your wife has been wonderful before and after what? The birth? Correct. > Are you sure it's a problem with your child? Maybe it is a problem with you and your relationships? I believe the root issue here is a conflict between what we want out of life and the realities young children bring. The things that "fill us up" are generally unsafe for young children (eg. mountaineering in the dead of winter at high altitude). I'm not looking for criticism (unless it's constructive), because the decision has been made. We're doing the best we can and trying to find new techniques/outside help; we're trying our best given what we have. (it's worth noting that I didn't take the parent comment negatively) > Anyways, good choice being in therapy. A competent therapist will help you unravel your problems better than some asshole on hn (that's me). I agree, and I've posted the unfiltered version here. It has helped me mentally reframe our situation in a more positive light, but it's still a journey. Hopefully insight into our specific situation can help someone else along the way. *edit: >I am in a challenging marriage. I have young kids. My kids are wonderful. I am trying to work things out with my wife for my children's sake. I would be careful with the language you use to frame the problems in your life. How you describe your problems may influence what you see as the solutions. This is good advice, and I don't see my child as "the problem" so much as the general situation. The struggle now is recalibrating my world view.

latchkey 4y ago

> Kids are the best, most meaningful thing you will ever do. Heavy dose of "in my opinion..." Kids are absolutely the last thing I've ever wanted in my lifetime. Am I supposed to take your statement as I'll never do anything meaningful? Come on.

TheFreim 4y ago
> Am I supposed to take your statement as I'll never do anything meaningful? No, you probably aren't to take that statement that way since the statement never said any such thing. He said "most meaningful" which necessarily implies that there are other meaningful things, just lower in a hierarchy of meaningfulness. Respectfully, you seem quite bitter by reading into what was said, perhaps some introspection about the reason for this reaction would be in order.
- latchkey 4y ago
  Apologies if I read their or your statement incorrectly. Bitter defined as 'a sense of unjust treatment', is absolutely correct, but 'angry, hurt, or resentful'... nah, none of that. In fact, quite the opposite, I'm extremely happy about my decision to not have children. I'm just not a fan of people who think that it is the most meaningful thing I (or anyone else) could ever do.
  - ddrdrck_ 4y ago
    Actually it depends on what you think is "meaningful". It could be having children, but it also could be discovering a new vaccine, helping other people, or just living a happy life without annoying anyone. In any case, even if one thinks so, I find it quite rude to say that having a kid is the most meaningful thing you can achieve to someone that may not have children ...
- fennecfoxy 4y ago
  >perhaps some introspection about the reason for this reaction would be in order Perhaps that reason is that many people gay or straight do not want children and being told that our alternative goals aren't the "most" fulfilling ones is pompous and haughty?

birksherty 4y ago

Many people all over the world suffer because their parents give birth without proper thinking by their parents, for selfish reason (to have meaning themselves). Do whatever people want with their own life. But when it involves bringing someone else to life without their consent and no going back, there should be some checks and bounds and should not be for selfish reasons.