6 ms·

I'll chime in as somebody who's been considered top 10% of attractiveness in one country and bottom 50% in another - the difference in the amount of sexual oppo

I'll chime in as somebody who's been considered top 10% of attractiveness in one country and bottom 50% in another - the difference in the amount of sexual opportunities on apps is absolutely staggering. Not that this should be a surprise to anyone. Where I am considered attractive, I've gotten 80+ matches in one day and random women messaging me at 11PM telling me they're lonely and to come hang out. I've had more first dates that involved sex than first dates that didn't. Where I am not considered attractive, I get literally no matches except for the occasional Onlyfans spammer. It was extremely depressing to go from one extreme to the other and I just don't bother with dating apps at all now.

thefz 4y ago
Dating apps are not a solution to this problem. Period. Stop thinking that the light plastic square you carry in the pocket all the time can be the cure for everything. It is exactly the opposite.
fennecfoxy 4y ago
Yeah dating apps are built to extract money out of men so that they can see women. It falls back to standard heteronormative sexual archetypes. I keep hearing that hetero peeps often split the bill, woman can propose, etc, these days but that seems more like conjecture to me.
raxxorraxor 4y ago
I had some luck with my looks although I am certainly no super model. I never used a dating app and the thought of them is a bit repellent. I was never interested in meeting women this way at all. Sure, there is a lot of prejudice from my side, but I don't know a single relationship in my fairly large social circle that came about by dating apps. There are exception for some platforms, mainly less gamified dating sites, but it would be difficult to convince me that you are looking for love on tinder. Maybe this is romance for you, but certainly not for everyone. And I guess there is a tendency that more women don't like this style of dating than men. So the few women that are have a lot of choices. Why shouldn't they use that? To me this is about hookups and nothing more. And some people aren't interested in that and I guess for several reasons they are also more successful in relationships.
blamazon 4y ago
Are you sure it had to do with your appearance? I experienced this same thing in the past but in hindsight I came to the conclusion it was because I went from a place where generalized casual promiscuity was an accepted part of the culture, to a place where it's not.
wonderwonder 4y ago
How does that work? Is it an ethnicity issue?
- yamtaddle 4y ago
  Shit I can drop like 3 (relative) points on the good ol' 10 scale just by traveling to different sections of my own city. And while I'm not bad by local standards I'm only like a 2 or a 3 in some cities I've visited. From "not bad" to "uggo" just by traveling to another city, without ethnicity being a factor.
  - wonderwonder 4y ago
    how? Honestly I am not doubting you, I have just been married for a very long time so out of the game. Is it a presentation of wealth or dress style?
    - Spooky23 4y ago
      People find their tribes. A few years ago at work we were invaded by an intern army of what we affectionately called “dudebros”. They all had prince Harry style beards and talked about IPAs. By all accounts, the female interns were very polarized by the look.
    - yamtaddle 4y ago
      Largely fitness level and attention to appearance (very-nice well-kept haircuts, probably a little male use of makeup, that kind of thing). Skin care routines (say, consistency of applying sunscreen and wearing hats when outdoors, from early ages on) can vary wildly with local cultural norms and, notably, with class-related socialization, with the result that some cohorts have much nicer skin in middle age than others. Plus I've been in a few cities where, frankly, it just looks like the gene pool's exceptionally good. [EDIT] Oh and stuff like serious hair-loss treatments and plugs and such, and skin blemish removal, short of full-on plastic surgery. I can just about guarantee those are more common in rich areas and richer cities than in poorer areas and poorer cities.
GaryNumanVevo 4y ago
Dating Apps are notorious for this type of gamification. Tinder will literally give your account a huge visibility bump for the first two weeks, after that, it's removed. Of course Tinder would be more than happy to help, if you're willing to pay them to boost your profile again. I've found it mostly happens to my male friends, but I've heard it happening to women as well (mostly of the lesbian / polyam variety)
benj111 4y ago
Whos considering you in the top 10% v bottom 50%? How you you know there isn't a cultural difference where one group replies that you're attractive to be polite where as the other says the opposite because they feel you're being rude?
- thw09j9m 4y ago
  Probably because they're not letting me bang them out of politeness.
  - benj111 4y ago
    So is this statistic based on people you've shagged? This appears to be a self selecting group at best. Did you find more people to have sex with in one group, and concluding you are more attractive to that group? Are you getting more matches from one group? Is the percentage of matches that leads to sex in one group higher? Non of those necessarily mean you were more attractive to one group. I mean you could be extremely attractive to devout Muslim women and only averagely attractive to college girls. What do you think the stats would say about how many of each group you slept with after a first date?
    - thw09j9m 4y ago
      Sorry, you're right. I made up those numbers based on data suggesting a pareto distribution of matches. I also didn't intend to imply that I'm somehow in the top 10% of objective attractiveness - I meant attractiveness within the context of the app based on my match performance. https://d3.harvard.edu/platform-digit/submission/exploitive-platforms-how-tinder-exploits-lonely-men-to-make-massive-profits/#:~:text=The%20dating%20apps%20tends%20towards,the%20same%20league%20as%20you https://d3.harvard.edu/platform-digit/submission/exploitive-.... > Users are assigned an attractiveness score based on how many people like them. The dating apps tends towards a pareto distribution where 20% of the users get 80% of the matches as seen in Figure 5. However, users are sorted based on their attractiveness score, and thus you’re shown users who are roughly in the same league as you. Furthermore, the average male user gets one match in 115 profiles [9]. With only 100 free swipes a day, 80% males who haven’t paid for premium service will average less than a single match a day. Considering those figures, maybe I'm in the top 20% of the country where I do well (seems unlikely if the 80th percentile is getting less than a single match a day while I'm getting dozens) and I could be anywhere in the bottom 1%-80% in the country where I'm not doing well.
GregLan 4y ago
If you are a white person who goes to a developing nation you'll be top 10% while in your country you may be in the bottom 20%
- leidenfrost 4y ago
  I know a guy who tried to do that, but his desperation traveled alongside him. Here in Buenos Aires if there's something valued as much as looks, is spontaneity. So much, that we have the same words for "going on a date" and "hanging out". Because "a date" sounds like you are looking forwards to it and that's a turn off. You have to read the vibe to see if it's really a date or not. So, as soon as he got some attention, he scared them away.
  - bradlys 4y ago
    Argentina also just has a lot of white people…
  - autoexec 4y ago
    > So much, that we have the same words for "going on a date" and "hanging out". Sounds like something that would cause a lot of misunderstandings. How often is that a plot device in sitcoms?
    - leidenfrost 4y ago
      A good and a bad: Without calling it a date, you are expected to read the vibe. And yes, you can misread it. But, without making it clear, it's not so bad if you misread, because that's where you get the first "no". I personally think that if one part is into the other, but not vice-versa, not only the relationships won't happen, but also that friendship likely won't happen either. Like relationships, friendships need to have both parties actually wanting it.
  - zozbot234 4y ago
    Very good point, this whole notion of "asking X out on a date" is an anti-pattern if you're genuinely trying to get to know each other socially. If you want to "date" in a formal sense, do it after the interest has been clearly reciprocated not before. Anything else really is quite creepy, and it's no surprise that people outside the U.S. will mostly reject it outright.

thefz 4y ago

Dating apps are not a solution to this problem. Period. Stop thinking that the light plastic square you carry in the pocket all the time can be the cure for everything. It is exactly the opposite.

fennecfoxy 4y ago

Yeah dating apps are built to extract money out of men so that they can see women. It falls back to standard heteronormative sexual archetypes. I keep hearing that hetero peeps often split the bill, woman can propose, etc, these days but that seems more like conjecture to me.

raxxorraxor 4y ago

I had some luck with my looks although I am certainly no super model. I never used a dating app and the thought of them is a bit repellent. I was never interested in meeting women this way at all. Sure, there is a lot of prejudice from my side, but I don't know a single relationship in my fairly large social circle that came about by dating apps. There are exception for some platforms, mainly less gamified dating sites, but it would be difficult to convince me that you are looking for love on tinder. Maybe this is romance for you, but certainly not for everyone. And I guess there is a tendency that more women don't like this style of dating than men. So the few women that are have a lot of choices. Why shouldn't they use that? To me this is about hookups and nothing more. And some people aren't interested in that and I guess for several reasons they are also more successful in relationships.

blamazon 4y ago

Are you sure it had to do with your appearance? I experienced this same thing in the past but in hindsight I came to the conclusion it was because I went from a place where generalized casual promiscuity was an accepted part of the culture, to a place where it's not.

wonderwonder 4y ago

How does that work? Is it an ethnicity issue?

yamtaddle 4y ago
Shit I can drop like 3 (relative) points on the good ol' 10 scale just by traveling to different sections of my own city. And while I'm not bad by local standards I'm only like a 2 or a 3 in some cities I've visited. From "not bad" to "uggo" just by traveling to another city, without ethnicity being a factor.
- wonderwonder 4y ago
  how? Honestly I am not doubting you, I have just been married for a very long time so out of the game. Is it a presentation of wealth or dress style?
  - Spooky23 4y ago
    People find their tribes. A few years ago at work we were invaded by an intern army of what we affectionately called “dudebros”. They all had prince Harry style beards and talked about IPAs. By all accounts, the female interns were very polarized by the look.
  - yamtaddle 4y ago
    Largely fitness level and attention to appearance (very-nice well-kept haircuts, probably a little male use of makeup, that kind of thing). Skin care routines (say, consistency of applying sunscreen and wearing hats when outdoors, from early ages on) can vary wildly with local cultural norms and, notably, with class-related socialization, with the result that some cohorts have much nicer skin in middle age than others. Plus I've been in a few cities where, frankly, it just looks like the gene pool's exceptionally good. [EDIT] Oh and stuff like serious hair-loss treatments and plugs and such, and skin blemish removal, short of full-on plastic surgery. I can just about guarantee those are more common in rich areas and richer cities than in poorer areas and poorer cities.

GaryNumanVevo 4y ago

Dating Apps are notorious for this type of gamification. Tinder will literally give your account a huge visibility bump for the first two weeks, after that, it's removed. Of course Tinder would be more than happy to help, if you're willing to pay them to boost your profile again. I've found it mostly happens to my male friends, but I've heard it happening to women as well (mostly of the lesbian / polyam variety)

benj111 4y ago

Whos considering you in the top 10% v bottom 50%? How you you know there isn't a cultural difference where one group replies that you're attractive to be polite where as the other says the opposite because they feel you're being rude?

thw09j9m 4y ago
Probably because they're not letting me bang them out of politeness.
- benj111 4y ago
  So is this statistic based on people you've shagged? This appears to be a self selecting group at best. Did you find more people to have sex with in one group, and concluding you are more attractive to that group? Are you getting more matches from one group? Is the percentage of matches that leads to sex in one group higher? Non of those necessarily mean you were more attractive to one group. I mean you could be extremely attractive to devout Muslim women and only averagely attractive to college girls. What do you think the stats would say about how many of each group you slept with after a first date?
  - thw09j9m 4y ago
    Sorry, you're right. I made up those numbers based on data suggesting a pareto distribution of matches. I also didn't intend to imply that I'm somehow in the top 10% of objective attractiveness - I meant attractiveness within the context of the app based on my match performance. https://d3.harvard.edu/platform-digit/submission/exploitive-platforms-how-tinder-exploits-lonely-men-to-make-massive-profits/#:~:text=The%20dating%20apps%20tends%20towards,the%20same%20league%20as%20you https://d3.harvard.edu/platform-digit/submission/exploitive-.... > Users are assigned an attractiveness score based on how many people like them. The dating apps tends towards a pareto distribution where 20% of the users get 80% of the matches as seen in Figure 5. However, users are sorted based on their attractiveness score, and thus you’re shown users who are roughly in the same league as you. Furthermore, the average male user gets one match in 115 profiles [9]. With only 100 free swipes a day, 80% males who haven’t paid for premium service will average less than a single match a day. Considering those figures, maybe I'm in the top 20% of the country where I do well (seems unlikely if the 80th percentile is getting less than a single match a day while I'm getting dozens) and I could be anywhere in the bottom 1%-80% in the country where I'm not doing well.

GregLan 4y ago

If you are a white person who goes to a developing nation you'll be top 10% while in your country you may be in the bottom 20%

leidenfrost 4y ago
I know a guy who tried to do that, but his desperation traveled alongside him. Here in Buenos Aires if there's something valued as much as looks, is spontaneity. So much, that we have the same words for "going on a date" and "hanging out". Because "a date" sounds like you are looking forwards to it and that's a turn off. You have to read the vibe to see if it's really a date or not. So, as soon as he got some attention, he scared them away.
- bradlys 4y ago
  Argentina also just has a lot of white people…
- autoexec 4y ago
  > So much, that we have the same words for "going on a date" and "hanging out". Sounds like something that would cause a lot of misunderstandings. How often is that a plot device in sitcoms?
  - leidenfrost 4y ago
    A good and a bad: Without calling it a date, you are expected to read the vibe. And yes, you can misread it. But, without making it clear, it's not so bad if you misread, because that's where you get the first "no". I personally think that if one part is into the other, but not vice-versa, not only the relationships won't happen, but also that friendship likely won't happen either. Like relationships, friendships need to have both parties actually wanting it.
- zozbot234 4y ago
  Very good point, this whole notion of "asking X out on a date" is an anti-pattern if you're genuinely trying to get to know each other socially. If you want to "date" in a formal sense, do it after the interest has been clearly reciprocated not before. Anything else really is quite creepy, and it's no surprise that people outside the U.S. will mostly reject it outright.