8 ms·

The classic formula for hooking up is time and proximity - throw people together in the same space and wait - people will start hooking up. No app can provide t

The classic formula for hooking up is time and proximity - throw people together in the same space and wait - people will start hooking up. No app can provide this - they are designed with the exact opposite scenario in mind. This is why people meet in high school (4 years)/college(4 years)/at the office (40 years). With the move to remote work in many places we've cut off the office part - where people had the most time to find a partner. What replaces that? Nearly everyone I know who is married met in one of those 3 places. I met my wife in the office before remote work was common (today we are both 100% remote).

pm90 4y ago
> The classic formula for hooking up is time and proximity - throw people together in the same space and wait - people will start hooking up. No app can provide this - they are designed with the exact opposite scenario in mind. Yes, 100% this is correct. Proximity is everything. When people "bump" into each other frequently, they are more likely to start conversations, more likely to get to know each other, and naturally, hook up. This is why the "third place" concept is so important. Home is the 1st, Office 2nd, but you generally need another place where people just hang out. This might be a community pool, garden, plaza etc. Somewhat more restricted 3rd places are coffeeshops, bars, art galleries, museums, libraries etc. I believe that cities that want to attract people should invest heavily in creating these places. e.g. Austin built a First Class public library; I was extremely skeptical about that investment, but when the library opened, its a work of art!
wonderwonder 4y ago
I agree with this, remove school, college and work and what is left? Not much. Maybe a house of worship if you are religous. Remote work while it provides benefits to people; especially those already in a relationship and with kids, has its costs. Online college is an option now.
- konart 4y ago
  >Not much. Maybe a house of worship Literature clubs, language classes. Literally any hobbie that does not require you to stay focused on device that may cut off your fingers if you look away.
  - Yizahi 4y ago
    The problem with hobby relationships is not only that it is just awkward in the first place as people said above. The other significant problem is that hobbies are long term activity. Say you sign up for a club/class/sports team and you genuinely interested in that activity. You meet 10-15 new people, and lets say there are no single people of opposite gender. Now what? Cancel your kayaking club after few weeks and sign for the hiking club? Then if that one is a wash too, cancel and move to learning chess? Etc.
    - robjan 4y ago
      In the case you're describing, the hypothetical person is going into the hobby for the wrong reason. The primary objective should be the hobby, if you happen to find someone you get on well with all the better.
      - langitbiru 4y ago
        I understand your point. But the original premise is to find a relationship via hobby. Then some said it's wrong. You should have a hobby because of the hobby itself. People looking for relationships in hobbies would be a turnoff. So the original question is how people find relationships IRL (outside dating apps). Some answer just get a hobby. But then the same problem remains as you can see. The same thing can be applied for working in an office. People do get relationships in an office but you would be a turnoff if you said you're looking for a relationship when applying for a job. So for people looking for relationships primarily, what should they do outside dating apps? Or should they just repress their desire and live their life? If they meet one in hobbies or offices, great! If not, c'est la vie.
        4y ago
- tasuki 4y ago
  > remove school, college and work and what is left? Not much. What is left? Literally every other social activity one engages in?
  - jacobsenscott 4y ago
    But where do you find people to form clubs or whatever with? Work/school/office. Also covid wiped a lot of these out and it will take some time for them to re-appear
    - autoexec 4y ago
      If you can't find people for your hobby and just want to meet others consider volunteering.
    - tasuki 4y ago
      I have hobbies. Highly recommended!
      - jacobsenscott 4y ago
        I had hobbies, now I have kids. But when I did have hobbies where did I meet people to hobby with? Work!
      - voviz 4y ago
        Just for reference, what hobbies do you participate in?
  - WarOnPrivacy 4y ago
    > What is left? Literally every other social activity one engages in? This implies one has energy and resources for social activities. A big chunk of the US is broke and/or exhausted at the end of the week.
    - bryanlarsen 4y ago
      The other suggested alternative (religion) generally requires a far higher time + money commitment than many hobbies, yet has thrived for millennia.
haunter 4y ago
And to the list the once more common community places, like church which pretty much disappearing from modern life (at least in the US and Europe). I'm not religious but more and more I think that church as a community place back then had a postive effect on local communites.
- mixmastamyk 4y ago
  Classes at the community college probably more useful these days.
  - Qem 4y ago
    Tried to get back to university as a means to socialize more, in my 30s. It didn't work as intended, because attending classes while holding a day job left very little time for actual socialization with my colleagues. Ended giving up. I think it would have worked better with more free time to invest on it.
    - mixmastamyk 4y ago
      Pick easier classes I guess? Less Calc III and more photography and ceramics. Something the target sex is over-represented in.
      - Qem 4y ago
        It's not difficulty level, more like just raw time. Most social interaction occurs while hanging on between classes, while having lunch, paying a visit to the library, et cetera. It doesn't work when you rush in to the class and then rush out back to job soon after. Just hanging around people and getting to know them takes time.
- benj111 4y ago
  So church is a place you can go to hook up and have sex? They seem to be underselling that feature.
seydor 4y ago
> throw people together in the same space and wait - people will start hooking up. No app can provide this I would contest this. Don't (EDIT: i m talking about social network apps) apps do exactly this, on a global scale? They bring people closer at all times, have regularity, and even have silly competitions, self-promotion , and all ways for people to 'hook up' with each other. Of course, in any physical space there is only a limited amount of people so competition is lower and possibly that s why there are more compromises. in a global contest only the olympic athletes win. And while remote work is certainly going to be a huge factor, things have changed a whole decade before remote work became mainstream
- dangond 4y ago
  I think they were talking specifically about dating apps. You either go on a date right away or never talk to the person again. There is no room to slowly build a relationship after "bumping into each other" over time.
- avmich 4y ago
  > I would contest this. Don't apps do exactly this, on a global scale? They bring people closer at all times, have regularity, and even have silly competitions, self-promotion , and all ways for people to 'hook up' with each other. No. "Same place" means here "same people, repeatedly over prolonged periods of time". Dating apps are, AFAIK, not making same people to keep in contact "until the spark comes".
- Manuel_D 4y ago
  Apps do bring people together, but by aggregating potential partners in a large area most matches go to the top 10-20% of men. In person, women are a lot less selective. So the absence of in person venues to meet partners really curbs opportunities for most men.
- godelski 4y ago
  What the parent is really talking about is that people in close proximity for extended periods are going through shared experiences. If you spend time with people and experience similar things then you will start to form emotional bonds with them. The parent could have also replaced partners with friends and the statement would hold true for the same reasons. On the other hand, let's do the same analogy and replace partners with friends for the goals of apps. I think it would be obvious to many that these wouldn't be good platforms to build strong friendships on. If Tinder is the equivalent of asking someone out at a bar it is also similar to approaching someone at a bar and asking them to be your best friend. It might happen, but odds likely aren't in your favor, and especially not if you're not someone that likes to go bar hopping.
johnea 4y ago
You left out one of the main components of the classic formula: time, proximity and ALCOHOL! Reduction in inhibition is the main reason alcohol is so beloved in society. Otherwise, most people don't get laid...
godelski 4y ago
> /at the office (40 years). With the move to remote work in many places we've cut off the office part There might be another factor here, that office relationships are far more taboo than they used to be. I'm not saying harass your office mates, but if two people click they click. Like you're saying, it isn't that the office is a place "to look" for a partner, but rather that it simply happens because you build emotional bonds with people you spend time with and have shared experiences with.
- zozbot234 4y ago
  The problem is not what happens when two people click, but what if the relationship goes south. Do you really want that former partner you might hate as your coworker, or your boss? Or your subordinate, whom you're required to treat fairly, as a matter of basic business ethics? How many people would manage to achieve this and be trusted to?
  - jacobsenscott 4y ago
    Meh - people often have bosses, or coworkers, or subordinates they hate anyway. Nothing ventured nothing gained!
  - godelski 4y ago
    In addition to what Jacob said, it is also an important social skill to learn to interact with people you have bad blood with. There is a sign of maturity to not run away from your problems. That's all this is doing really. As long as the two people aren't forced to have frequent and sustained close proximity (working together on the same projects) then this shouldn't be an issue.

pm90 4y ago

> The classic formula for hooking up is time and proximity - throw people together in the same space and wait - people will start hooking up. No app can provide this - they are designed with the exact opposite scenario in mind. Yes, 100% this is correct. Proximity is everything. When people "bump" into each other frequently, they are more likely to start conversations, more likely to get to know each other, and naturally, hook up. This is why the "third place" concept is so important. Home is the 1st, Office 2nd, but you generally need another place where people just hang out. This might be a community pool, garden, plaza etc. Somewhat more restricted 3rd places are coffeeshops, bars, art galleries, museums, libraries etc. I believe that cities that want to attract people should invest heavily in creating these places. e.g. Austin built a First Class public library; I was extremely skeptical about that investment, but when the library opened, its a work of art!

wonderwonder 4y ago

I agree with this, remove school, college and work and what is left? Not much. Maybe a house of worship if you are religous. Remote work while it provides benefits to people; especially those already in a relationship and with kids, has its costs. Online college is an option now.

konart 4y ago
>Not much. Maybe a house of worship Literature clubs, language classes. Literally any hobbie that does not require you to stay focused on device that may cut off your fingers if you look away.
- Yizahi 4y ago
  The problem with hobby relationships is not only that it is just awkward in the first place as people said above. The other significant problem is that hobbies are long term activity. Say you sign up for a club/class/sports team and you genuinely interested in that activity. You meet 10-15 new people, and lets say there are no single people of opposite gender. Now what? Cancel your kayaking club after few weeks and sign for the hiking club? Then if that one is a wash too, cancel and move to learning chess? Etc.
  - robjan 4y ago
    In the case you're describing, the hypothetical person is going into the hobby for the wrong reason. The primary objective should be the hobby, if you happen to find someone you get on well with all the better.
    - langitbiru 4y ago
      I understand your point. But the original premise is to find a relationship via hobby. Then some said it's wrong. You should have a hobby because of the hobby itself. People looking for relationships in hobbies would be a turnoff. So the original question is how people find relationships IRL (outside dating apps). Some answer just get a hobby. But then the same problem remains as you can see. The same thing can be applied for working in an office. People do get relationships in an office but you would be a turnoff if you said you're looking for a relationship when applying for a job. So for people looking for relationships primarily, what should they do outside dating apps? Or should they just repress their desire and live their life? If they meet one in hobbies or offices, great! If not, c'est la vie.
      - 4y ago
tasuki 4y ago
> remove school, college and work and what is left? Not much. What is left? Literally every other social activity one engages in?
- jacobsenscott 4y ago
  But where do you find people to form clubs or whatever with? Work/school/office. Also covid wiped a lot of these out and it will take some time for them to re-appear
  - autoexec 4y ago
    If you can't find people for your hobby and just want to meet others consider volunteering.
  - tasuki 4y ago
    I have hobbies. Highly recommended!
    - jacobsenscott 4y ago
      I had hobbies, now I have kids. But when I did have hobbies where did I meet people to hobby with? Work!
    - voviz 4y ago
      Just for reference, what hobbies do you participate in?
- WarOnPrivacy 4y ago
  > What is left? Literally every other social activity one engages in? This implies one has energy and resources for social activities. A big chunk of the US is broke and/or exhausted at the end of the week.
  - bryanlarsen 4y ago
    The other suggested alternative (religion) generally requires a far higher time + money commitment than many hobbies, yet has thrived for millennia.

haunter 4y ago

And to the list the once more common community places, like church which pretty much disappearing from modern life (at least in the US and Europe). I'm not religious but more and more I think that church as a community place back then had a postive effect on local communites.

mixmastamyk 4y ago
Classes at the community college probably more useful these days.
- Qem 4y ago
  Tried to get back to university as a means to socialize more, in my 30s. It didn't work as intended, because attending classes while holding a day job left very little time for actual socialization with my colleagues. Ended giving up. I think it would have worked better with more free time to invest on it.
  - mixmastamyk 4y ago
    Pick easier classes I guess? Less Calc III and more photography and ceramics. Something the target sex is over-represented in.
    - Qem 4y ago
      It's not difficulty level, more like just raw time. Most social interaction occurs while hanging on between classes, while having lunch, paying a visit to the library, et cetera. It doesn't work when you rush in to the class and then rush out back to job soon after. Just hanging around people and getting to know them takes time.
benj111 4y ago
So church is a place you can go to hook up and have sex? They seem to be underselling that feature.

seydor 4y ago

> throw people together in the same space and wait - people will start hooking up. No app can provide this I would contest this. Don't (EDIT: i m talking about social network apps) apps do exactly this, on a global scale? They bring people closer at all times, have regularity, and even have silly competitions, self-promotion , and all ways for people to 'hook up' with each other. Of course, in any physical space there is only a limited amount of people so competition is lower and possibly that s why there are more compromises. in a global contest only the olympic athletes win. And while remote work is certainly going to be a huge factor, things have changed a whole decade before remote work became mainstream

dangond 4y ago
I think they were talking specifically about dating apps. You either go on a date right away or never talk to the person again. There is no room to slowly build a relationship after "bumping into each other" over time.
avmich 4y ago
> I would contest this. Don't apps do exactly this, on a global scale? They bring people closer at all times, have regularity, and even have silly competitions, self-promotion , and all ways for people to 'hook up' with each other. No. "Same place" means here "same people, repeatedly over prolonged periods of time". Dating apps are, AFAIK, not making same people to keep in contact "until the spark comes".
Manuel_D 4y ago
Apps do bring people together, but by aggregating potential partners in a large area most matches go to the top 10-20% of men. In person, women are a lot less selective. So the absence of in person venues to meet partners really curbs opportunities for most men.
godelski 4y ago
What the parent is really talking about is that people in close proximity for extended periods are going through shared experiences. If you spend time with people and experience similar things then you will start to form emotional bonds with them. The parent could have also replaced partners with friends and the statement would hold true for the same reasons. On the other hand, let's do the same analogy and replace partners with friends for the goals of apps. I think it would be obvious to many that these wouldn't be good platforms to build strong friendships on. If Tinder is the equivalent of asking someone out at a bar it is also similar to approaching someone at a bar and asking them to be your best friend. It might happen, but odds likely aren't in your favor, and especially not if you're not someone that likes to go bar hopping.

johnea 4y ago

You left out one of the main components of the classic formula: time, proximity and ALCOHOL! Reduction in inhibition is the main reason alcohol is so beloved in society. Otherwise, most people don't get laid...

godelski 4y ago

> /at the office (40 years). With the move to remote work in many places we've cut off the office part There might be another factor here, that office relationships are far more taboo than they used to be. I'm not saying harass your office mates, but if two people click they click. Like you're saying, it isn't that the office is a place "to look" for a partner, but rather that it simply happens because you build emotional bonds with people you spend time with and have shared experiences with.

zozbot234 4y ago
The problem is not what happens when two people click, but what if the relationship goes south. Do you really want that former partner you might hate as your coworker, or your boss? Or your subordinate, whom you're required to treat fairly, as a matter of basic business ethics? How many people would manage to achieve this and be trusted to?
- jacobsenscott 4y ago
  Meh - people often have bosses, or coworkers, or subordinates they hate anyway. Nothing ventured nothing gained!
- godelski 4y ago
  In addition to what Jacob said, it is also an important social skill to learn to interact with people you have bad blood with. There is a sign of maturity to not run away from your problems. That's all this is doing really. As long as the two people aren't forced to have frequent and sustained close proximity (working together on the same projects) then this shouldn't be an issue.