6 ms·

Ask HN: How do I know that I am autistic?

24 points by anon76334678 4y ago

I live a pretty confusing life. I am sure that something is wrong. I'm 35 and since the birth of my daughter I feel even more apart from "normal" behavior than before. I have had several different therapists and autism has always been ruled out. My behavior is attributed to my intelligence. But I don't believe that. I have approached problems methodically and functionally for as long as I can remember. I am infatuated with problem solving. I find maintaining social interactions and simple friendships not easy and rather exhausting. Approaching strangers is extremely difficult for me. I have noticed over the years that I am not only very systematic at work, but also with people. At the same time I have impulsive emotional outbursts for the most trivial reasons. For example, it can be that I have to go to someone to deliver something. Or partly shopping and asking for something. Or a screaming child. I can handle most things by now. I still don't like to go shopping, but I do it because I have learned to position myself differently with my thoughts. I have learned to act, I can talk and behave in the best social manner. I have only been able to read people well since I was about 16. I have a library of behavior patterns in my head and try to deduce something from them. Now as a father, the world looks very different. Every day I am confronted with a screaming child, it whines or it laughs. What I have to say is that I am not cold and I love my child. But I can not cope with many things. I realize how much my analytical approach brings nothing. I try to comfort and play. But what I noticed made me think. It always feels like a new problem, I can't get used to it. Everyone who has a child knows that it is a similar game every day. But I find it hard to understand the behavior. Sure I understand why kids scream, I know they have no other way to express themselves. I understand that a child has needs and I give her as much love as I can. But in the back of my mind I always have the problem that needs to be solved. Which prevents me from accepting it and developing a routine. So what is wrong? Or are all people like that? Why on hackernews? I had already tried about others. Social networks to achieve something, but unfortunately I did not find an adequate answer. Since I am here often, I know about the great community and just hope for understanding and not so much for a concrete answer. Maybe someone is going through the same thing. About myself: I have been in therapy for other reasons. I suffer from panic attacks and anxiety. Which also narrow down to social interactions. I am a happy person. I do not have depression. Our child is doing great and we are also very happy with each other. Why anonymous? For internet reasons.

airbreather 4y ago
Does it matter if the nature of your being has a name? It sounds you have worked out quite few things about your interaction with the world - play to your strengths and accept the things you don't do well, avoid them or outsource them or whatever you have to do. Don't let yourself be judged by others that probably have no idea how you feel and think. Be your own judge, be harsh but fair and use the insights to improve. But if something just isn't in you, don't flog a dead horse or beat yourself up, just find a way to work around it. Finally, often, not always but often, if you just say "this isn't one of my strengths, maybe someone else is better suited", or "I am feeling pretty overwhelmed right now, I don't know I can do my best without regrouping for a while" people will be far more understanding than if you just exhibit some strange beahviour they don't understand, or say you will do something then totally not deliver.
- anon76334678 4y ago
  Hey. Yes for some reason it matters to give the thing a name. :) I have no negative thoughts like that. I just don’t understand. It is important to know if there is a developmental disorder. It is also important because my child could have it and be just like me. I would like to have the best support for her so that she does not have to go through many things or learn to deal with them faster. But you are right. In the end it shouldn’t define me. Work around is something I do my whole life. Maybe my post is to negative. That was not my intention. Nobody is judging me. I guess most of the people think I’m normal. Thanks for the uplifting words. :)
  - mansoon 4y ago
    Do you have a name? I find this framing useful: https://neuroqueer.com/neuroqueer-an-introduction/ https://neuroqueer.com/neuroqueer-an-introduction/
themodelplumber 4y ago
Sorry to hear about the troubles you described. I was glad to read at the end that you think of yourself as a happy person. It seems like you are doing your best and perhaps it's just a momentary pause before significant traction is found in this new parenting world for you. I do have to say your description really covered the Jungian Ti-Fe dichotomy well, especially in the puzzle/logic--social/emotional-awareness--puzzle/logic yin-yang effect which is part of how that world of perspectives oscillates. The little details you provided, like "library of behavior patterns" coupled directly with "deduction" seem like a very good fit in that model (or world of thought) indeed. So if you are interested at all in personality type theory, or in the history of personality research, it might be interesting to read about, and doesn't come with any diagnoses attached. :-) (And my apologies if this turns out to be any kind of helpful resource or answer for you, as hardcore puzzlers don't really tend to like that) Wishing you all the best of luck--

labrador 4y ago

I'm 65 now, but I had all your symptoms except fear of talking to strangers, but they are gone now. You don't say what you do to support your family but I was a computer programmer in my 30's and I was in way over my head. Without any training and being a completely self-taught programmer I ended up being in charge of a large computer program for a company. When I look back on why I was mentally not there when my kids were little it was because I was completely over-whelmed. I did a good job, but I was at my limits and no room for wife or children mentally. I felt dissociated from the people around me. I was always thinking about a computer programming problem. I wasn't aware that it was so bad until my wife asked me to leave after repeatedly telling me I needed to change. I didn't know what she was talking about. I wasn't "present" for her or the kids. I couldn't do it all. The problems are gone because I don't program anymore, I did therapy and take depression medication. I've learned how to be in the present moment without dread or fear. I say this because you didn't mention external stressors so maybe you aren't conscious of them like I wasn't.

anon76334678 4y ago
Hey, I am self-employed and have my own cloud app. I currently work only 3 days a week and am there for my daughter two days. —— That sounds sad and I hope you are feeling better today. I have had different experiences so far. My wife knows my condition and we are happy so far. I had directly taken time for my child. That was important to me. I also program. But I am more often theoretically on the road. This fits quite well to pass the time when the child is sleeping. Reading is easier than programming :) 10 years ago I would have agreed with you. I was employed and not happy with the situation. Being self-employed has helped me. I am also self-taught as I don't do well in schools and universities. I will remember to spend enough time with my family. Thank you.
ffwacom 4y ago
This makes so much sense

Beaver117 4y ago

Typically autistic men have a very very hard time finding a wife. I think purely from that you are not autistic. Maybe an anxiety disorder.

anon76334678 4y ago
Hey, I have my whole life an anxiety disorder. That’s is not a secret :) I’m not sure about finding a wife. When I understand correctly autism is not like autism and you can just scratch the spectrum. I’m not likely to be the „typical“ autism you see on tv. But maybe you are right :)
donutpepperoni 4y ago
I would say that's a heavy generalization TBH. I'm married and was diagnosed as autistic at the age of 32. There are lots of autistic people who are married. You're not wrong that autistic people can lack social intuition but honestly what OP wrote sounds _exactly_ like how I felt before I went and got tested. It was the best thing I've ever done for myself because I was able to view life through that lens and alter the way I view myself for the better.
klyrs 4y ago
... if only autistic women existed ... Autism is a spectrum. Autistic people tend to be nerds. High functioning autistic people learn to mask and read others and play the games that allistic people navigate with ease. It's never easy; it's draining to mask all the time. When we find autistic mates, we can find common interests and space to unmask. Finding a mate does not rule out autism.
- Beaver117 4y ago
  It's just my opinion, but I disagree. If someone is socially high functioning enough to find a mate, that is no longer autism. We can't keep widening the "spectrum" to include anyone with mild trouble socializing.
  - donutpepperoni 4y ago
    As the previous poster stated we learn to "mask" and can get through society based on behaviors we have learned to mimic from others. We mask because society will not tolerate us otherwise. I can't just vocally stim in the grocery store without causing a scene. I've learned not to do that to have a generally "normal" experience. But I have the urge to beat box the whole way through because that's a soothing activity for me when I am experiencing anxiety and going to the store is a very anxiety provoking experience. IMO I'd read a bit more up on the autistic spectrum. Further, I'd really recommend you never armchair diagnose anybody because that's extremely harmful. A lot of us have been told "we aren't autistic" or "that doesn't look like autism" and that specifically can cause tons of consternation for people like myself and OP as we try to figure out our way through life.

donutpepperoni 4y ago

OP, honestly, I thought I could have written this myself. First, how old is your child? They are much harder to take care of when they are younger but once they get past 5-6 they start to get a bit more self sufficient and things get easier. As you mentioned, they still have "new problems" all of the time. But that means they are growing and you are succeeding as a Dad. Good job :) Someone said to me "The days are long but the years are short" and it's very true. Once they reach age 7-10 they have their own friends and might start to prefer hanging with them. I know it sounds cliche but I miss hearing "Dad do you want to build legos?". Now I have to be the one to ask and I have a 25% success rate :D I know saying that doesn't make it easier but hopefully learning more about who you are will help you learn who they are too. That to me is why I never stopped wanting to know who I was and why I had such a different experience. All so I could share everything with them and help them build a map for life as they got older. A map I never had. I was diagnosed as "high functioning autistic" at age 32 and I can relate to a lot of what you're writing but specifically: >I have approached problems methodically and functionally for as long as I can remember. I am infatuated with problem solving. Once an interesting problem gets wedged in my brain, I walk through the rest of life spinning on this problem until it is solved or I am bored of it. My brain can even forget to eat and sleep when I'm focused. I learned that this is called "hyperfixating" and autistic people can be prone to it. I'm a dad of two kids and I do my best to be present and available, but as you mentioned, my brain is always tinkering on something in the background. I would try not to beat yourself up about this. What I've learned as my kids got older is that their brain functions the same way as mine. I may be trying to have a conversation and be "present" with them and all they can think about is the problem their brain is stuck on. For my one child, that might be a boss in Minecraft. I'll ask them "How was your school day?" and sometimes it will go ignored and they will respond with a minecraft related statement. That's ok :) I totally understand them now and don't take it personally that their brain is focused on something else. >I find maintaining social interactions and simple friendships not easy and rather exhausting. The last time I saw one of my friends was in April of 2022. I had a great time with him but I felt burned out after he left and had a hard time accepting invitations to do things for months after. It's not that I don't have a good time, it's that there's so much input and so many things for me to process that it takes me so long to bounce back. I have friends but I suffer from so much social anxiety that checking my texts or DM's on different platforms can overcome me and pause me in place before I get to respond. Then I'd suffer from the ensuing guilt of feeling like a bad friend for not behaving the "way I'm supposed to". When I have someone in the house who is not my immediate family(wife or kids) I am counting the minutes until they leave. It has nothing to do with them but everything to do with the fact that they are altering my routines and pushing things out of place later in the day. I wish I didn't feel this way but it's been constant my whole life. I've always been extremely rigid in my schedule and it can cause great anxiety when people drop by unexpectedly and pull me away from something I was planning on doing. Anything that "interrupts" my plans can be emotionally hard to reason with. I eventually get over it but internally it feels so intense that it causes me to go nonverbal. Turns out this is another thing that folks on the spectrum can suffer from. >Approaching strangers is extremely difficult for me. I relate to this as well. There too many possible pathways to think through and I'm always caught off guard by some situation or thing that's never been said or happened so my "library" returns a cache miss and my brain can go haywire. I don't know how to "properly" react and I leave "socially awkward" impressions on people. Because of having this experience most of my life, I have preferred to do activities in solitude and I'm happier for it. One thing I learned in therapy that was helpful was "Your wife was a stranger once. How did you overcome that?" So that has helped me think that there are good experiences with strangers still out there. But the social anxiety is still there and overrides any chance that I will want to interact with people. As you mentioned, I'd rather be left alone with the problems I'm thinking about or the activities I want to enjoy. >I have a library of behavior patterns in my head and try to deduce something from them. This is a common experience I've read about from other autistic people. It's also exactly how I experience life. I get great anxiety from situations where I don't know how to act or from what to expect from a situation. One time I was asked to "Be in a wedding" and I had no idea what that meant. I thought that was the same as "Would you like to come to my wedding?". It was my best friend so I said yes, but I was very wrong. I had no idea what to expect and it was a nightmare experience for me. I had to spend money on uncomfortable clothing, wear them all day, participate in ritualistic behavior that I had never been exposed to before (and felt bad because they were like, don't you know this??). I had no idea about cuff links, suits, gifts to the bride and groom, doing all these weird dances and like parading out in front of all of their family. Speeches? omg, I wanted to die. It was an experience I never want to live again. But I love my friend and he's like my brother. How can I feel this way? It really was an eye opening experience for me and I beat myself up for "not getting it" and not enjoying i. But it turns out, I was autistic and this was a new situation for me. New situations can cause a lot of anxiety for autistic people especially without proper expectations established before hand. So I try to give myself a bit of grace when thinking of that memory. >I still don't like to go shopping, but I do it because I have learned to position myself differently with my thoughts. Shopping is an awful experience and I am extremely overstimulated any time I step into a retail establishment. Especially any "big box" store. I find them to be an assault on the senses and I truly feel that they are designed to "trap you" and prey on your humanity to get you to spend money. Like true psychological torture to me. Feels like every step I take its some behavioral psychologists little test to see if I'll bite. The digital realm is also like this nowadays but I especially hate when it's in person. One example is the stores that specifically only let you go in "one way" and you have to leave through a maze of specifically placed products to entice you into buying them. I really hate how the experience is crafted to try and trick you in so many little ways and generally gives me more anxiety. Anyway, what I'm really trying to say here is that I can relate to your experience and I think you should keep on searching for answers that work for you. I'm not saying you're autistic but we share a lot of the same experiences and all I really hope is that you find what you're looking for and that you find peace with who you are. We're all different and even if someone "lands on the spectrum" their experience may be totally different from someone elses. Certainly don't let me speak for all autistic people. But what you're saying lines up with a lot of what I've experienced and what I've read other autistic people experiencing. reddit.com/r/autism has been an amazing resource for me. Find a psychologist who specializes in adult autism and see what it would take to get tested. Not just talking to a therapist but going through the testing process with a psychologist. Today was the first day in my entire life that I told someone (during a job interview no less) that I was autistic and received an enthusiastic, supportive response. They smiled and said "Me too. We have great support for that here. This company asked me how they could make their offices more friendly to autistic people and implemented my feedback within months of being here because they valued my presence and wanted to make sure I felt comfortable." I was blown away. Every other time I've mentioned it I've received cold responses such as "Ok" and "Oh". I can't blame them, maybe their behavior library returned a "cache miss" too :) Be well.

medimikka 4y ago

First, ask yourself this: why do you need a diagnosis? Is it, so you can give a name to what is happening to you? A label, maybe? Or is it, because once we name things, we can treat them? A diagnosis of autism is not an easy task. Opposite to what the Internet might make you believe, it's not a matter of "listening carefully" or so, it's a multi-hour, multi-day, set of diagnostic tasks, that take time and energy. At the end of this journey, you'll have a label for what you are experiencing (or not). And then? I tell my patients, that a label makes three things easier: medical billing, provider communication, and (in rare cases) medical intervention. The rest is, diagnosis or not, pretty much the same. We define as clinically/psychologically relevant all those mental states that a) lead to a noticeable reduction in the person's ability to enjoy and function in life, and b) can not be addressed by the person reporting them without help. So that brings the second question: what do you need help with to address your mental state? Is it simply acceptance? Only the individuals involved can give you that. And while "I am autistic" works on 4chan as an excuse for all kinds of behaviors, in real life it generally doesn't. Or is it to change things? Only you can do that. There is no working therapeutic medication for autism, and therapy generally aims at improving your journey into overcoming the facets that are detrimental to your daily life. Another thing I tell my patients is that social interaction and coping are skills that are learned. To some people, most in fact, those learnings come easier than to others. I am short, below the US average, and I run ultra marathons. I have a marked disadvantage compared to 6ft lunks, simply due to stride, which meant it took more energy and time to develop this skill. On the other hand, I cope well and quickly, seem to have a rather accepting attitude towards others and life, and am good at social interactions. Those skills were much easier to learn for me. You might be taller than me, able to learn long distance running faster, while having a harder time honing your social and coping skills. Autism is such a barrier to skill development. It's hard to develop people skills, if the headspace isn't there. But it's possible. You're a coder, view it as a hard code problem. Approach it, broken down into smaller tasks. Same for your daughter: it's not easy for any new, especially first, parent to empathize with their kid's outbursts and odd behaviors. Some people have it easier, some don't. That's a reason to work harder, not an excuse. If you need a diagnosis, a certified mental health professional can help. But just like without, once you have the diagnosis the next steps are the same: go the hard mile to develop skills you need.

fargle 4y ago

my opinion is that what people call aspergers and autism are: - definitely a spectrum. it can range from severe mental disability to nearly "normal" - seem heavily correlated to people who like to work in software, math, etc. engineers. i would say that out of two dozen co-workers, about 95% have some degree of at least some of the symptoms you describe. we talk about this stuff and by the way, also heavily represented is adhd, depression, and social anxiety. about 50% have a good doses of one or more of those too. i'm a little face-blind. i do words, can't visualize pictures, especially humans. sometimes i see someone and literally can't tell if it is my wife or child or not until i think about what they are wearing and how they do their hair and puzzle it out. i'm constantly confused in movies if there are two vaguely similar looking actors. i'm no longer as anxious around new situations and new people, but i don't "like" being around people - it's work. i don't get energized by the interaction, i get worn out. i constantly have to "think" my way around interactions and responses, kinda like you said. and i'm one of the more normal ones. :) i think it comes with the territory of "brain work" people. to the point that it's kind of normal. so i think, unscientifically, that your medical advice was probably spot on. you don't have autism. you have some mild symptoms of something like aspergers. it's a spectrum and you are still normal, but a little to the side toward autistic. what you describe is "mild" - that's why it's probably still in the normal range. my wife used to work at easter-seals helping the disabled autistic kids enter into work environments. a very severely autistic person sometimes cannot communicate at all and can be so very mentally disabled they cannot even do this. a more moderate case can learn to go to work with coaching and sometimes can even become independent. you do not need a coach to teach you not to accidentally touch people in inappropriate ways or to talk to them in uncomfortable ways or to avoid having completely toddler level meltdowns because there are an odd number of M&Ms or something or to just start yelling really loud because you are excited. for our level, it's like being left-handed. you just work differently. it's not a disability. that's the trade-of for the intelligence, detail orientation, and methodical problem solving super-skills that come with it. but i do feel that it is a related concept. you got a healthy dose of whatever it is and some poor folks sadly get way, way too much. but it is, i feel, largely the same thing. sounds like your biggest challenge is to learn techniques to stop having outbursts. secondly, learn to empathize with your kids. i was lucky. both of my kids have the same thing. so for me, the fact that i get them is kind of an advantage. we're open about it, i teach them how to cope and how to behave. why that other person did what they did that totally flummoxed them. they are learning a lot faster and a lot younger than i did when i didn't even realize (duh!) that not everybody is like me until i was 30 or so. advice: don't worry about it, accept it is part of how you are. even if it was named and confirmed, there's nothing that would really change. if you are struggling with anxiety or outbursts or whatever, that's what you work on until you can manage well enough. that's all they can really do in any case.

ActorNightly 4y ago

Discovered that Im on the spectrum myself a few years back. Im sort of in the same boat "intelligence" wise, technical things come very easy to me and I am very analytical, but noticed that I have abnormal behavior in other areas. This is the test that is supposedly the best for a general indicator. https://embrace-autism.com/reading-the-mind-in-the-eyes-test/ https://embrace-autism.com/reading-the-mind-in-the-eyes-test.... When I took it, I consistently scored 50% on it. You also may have ADHD, as symptoms tend to overlap. https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/decoding-overlap-autism-adhd https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/decoding-ove... But definitely reach out to get tested. However that being said, I want to kinda give you a framework for potential positive diagnosis. If you are on the spectrum, that is most likely not the cause of what you feel is missing in your life. The fact that you can function with a job and a family shows that despite you possibly being on the spectrum you have figured out how to get there, the difference is that it may have been a more complex and indirect path. A running theory that I tend to believe is that autism is effectively the failure of certain regions of your brain to connect directly, however as amazing as our brain are, there is still a connection possible through roundabout means, which effectively trains the surrounding regions more than in other people, effectively giving higher intelligence or higher ability in some form and way. Cognitive therapy for autism is pretty much describing human behavior through roundabout ways because people on the spectrum can't relate in direct ways that other people can. A good number of people on the spectrum can just figure this out naturally by themselves. Just being autistic does not mean that you experience a degradation of life, its just some things may be difficult for you to adapt to, just like it can be hard for someone non technical to learn computer science since they can't form the framework in their head. So it may be that you have other issues present, which are causing you to behave in ways that could be indicative of autism.