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Unfortunately, I can offer some insight. In the past I have been obsessive. Had I not got help I could have ended up like the stalker in the story. It starts

Unfortunately, I can offer some insight. In the past I have been obsessive. Had I not got help I could have ended up like the stalker in the story. It starts out innocent enough. Dating involves lots of subtle signals and cues. I remember calling someone many many times in one day, thinking "There's a possibility I'm being strange, but there's also a chance that she's just not home. If I don't call and call again I could miss my chance. And this is my only chance, if I don't make sure she knows I want to date her I'm going to end up alone forever". I'm sure you can see the cognitive distortions at play here. I certainly acknowledged that my behavior was unusual, but I was so fixated on the person that I couldn't stop myself. I suspect this is what happened with the person in the story. They noticed the sister and became obsessed. First trying to do things "the right way" with super-likes etc within the dating app. After that, finding the instagram and so on. It slowly ramps up. The damage to the car etc I have less insight on, but perhaps it relates to the fact that being ignored by the target of your obsession feels so bad that any kind of reaction, good or bad, would feel better. Or perhaps it's revenge for "making me feel bad". I think the stalker probably doesn't have much insight to their own behavior. I only gained insight years after the fact. In general, I think dating apps don't help with this kind of behavior. They perpetuate the idea that there are "perfect matches" and that once you find your perfect partner everything will click into place. It's just like Hollywood movies, the couple gets together and then the credits roll. In reality, that's the very beginning. We should be talking about the work and effort that goes into building a relationship, as well as giving people the tools to notice when their behavior is not acceptable.

Major_Grooves 4y ago
thank you for the insight.
plusminusplus 4y ago
Wow, thank you for your honesty (especially on a site where you can't delete comments).
- ithinkso 4y ago
  > (especially on a site where you can't delete comments) Though I think the username annie_muss is a play on anonymous
  - plusminusplus 4y ago
    usually it's a play on animus
yieldcrv 4y ago
thanks for posting this insight, I would add that there are positive feedback loops from some parts of your behavior and would also counter the brother's conclusion that "sending an additional message never works" in these kinds of threads, everyone is already primed to the worst case toxic scenario, or some other uncollaborative toxic scenario, specifically from the idea of the lowest denominator man harassing women the reality is never so rigid many dating profiles advertise their instagram, many times that is just a vanity project to gain followers, many times sending a message on Instagram or some other way to get noticed on Instagram can lead to agreed upon in person interaction such as dates and hookups, many times sending a message is fruitless because that person gets so much attention and their inbox is not useful, or because that person just hasn't checked their messages yet I have absolutely had one night stands with someone I saw on a dating app, never attempted to match with, messaged them on Instagram and told them I saw them on the dating app, and went out the same day. I've done that with women that I never even mentioned that I saw them on a dating app first. Beautiful people. The proverbial "thirst traps". Sometimes we never even follow each other on the social media site. Just all DMs. I've had flings and relationships with people that only reply sporadically. Or who give one word responses but are completely talkative in person. Or who apologize about not responding often because they are actually busy people who aren't trying to send a hint at all. and the most important part of this? I have dozens of these low effort threads out there. For every one where its supposed to be interpreted as "a woman changing her behavior to be offstandish because they can't tell which man is a creep" there is "a woman thats not trying to send a hint at all collaboratively communicating like everyone else, good thing you tried again" I would wager that most people do not keep track of whether they sent one girl 4+ unreplied messages in a row over any time period and its freaking her out, versus the conversation that will be replied to eventually. I try to be cognizant of "how it looks" no different than trying to be cognizant of how walking past a playground on the walking trail on the way to the grocery store looks. But changing my behavior because people can't tell which guys are going to go full stalker mode and assault people? Unlikely.
- Volrath89 4y ago
  You must be tall, white or project a lot of status/coolness in your own instagram, because honestly this approach doesn't work for 99.9% of men that try (and it's not because of lack of trying!)

Major_Grooves 4y ago

thank you for the insight.

plusminusplus 4y ago

Wow, thank you for your honesty (especially on a site where you can't delete comments).

ithinkso 4y ago
> (especially on a site where you can't delete comments) Though I think the username annie_muss is a play on anonymous
- plusminusplus 4y ago
  usually it's a play on animus

yieldcrv 4y ago

thanks for posting this insight, I would add that there are positive feedback loops from some parts of your behavior and would also counter the brother's conclusion that "sending an additional message never works" in these kinds of threads, everyone is already primed to the worst case toxic scenario, or some other uncollaborative toxic scenario, specifically from the idea of the lowest denominator man harassing women the reality is never so rigid many dating profiles advertise their instagram, many times that is just a vanity project to gain followers, many times sending a message on Instagram or some other way to get noticed on Instagram can lead to agreed upon in person interaction such as dates and hookups, many times sending a message is fruitless because that person gets so much attention and their inbox is not useful, or because that person just hasn't checked their messages yet I have absolutely had one night stands with someone I saw on a dating app, never attempted to match with, messaged them on Instagram and told them I saw them on the dating app, and went out the same day. I've done that with women that I never even mentioned that I saw them on a dating app first. Beautiful people. The proverbial "thirst traps". Sometimes we never even follow each other on the social media site. Just all DMs. I've had flings and relationships with people that only reply sporadically. Or who give one word responses but are completely talkative in person. Or who apologize about not responding often because they are actually busy people who aren't trying to send a hint at all. and the most important part of this? I have dozens of these low effort threads out there. For every one where its supposed to be interpreted as "a woman changing her behavior to be offstandish because they can't tell which man is a creep" there is "a woman thats not trying to send a hint at all collaboratively communicating like everyone else, good thing you tried again" I would wager that most people do not keep track of whether they sent one girl 4+ unreplied messages in a row over any time period and its freaking her out, versus the conversation that will be replied to eventually. I try to be cognizant of "how it looks" no different than trying to be cognizant of how walking past a playground on the walking trail on the way to the grocery store looks. But changing my behavior because people can't tell which guys are going to go full stalker mode and assault people? Unlikely.

Volrath89 4y ago
You must be tall, white or project a lot of status/coolness in your own instagram, because honestly this approach doesn't work for 99.9% of men that try (and it's not because of lack of trying!)