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I disagree. Shared interest/circumstance may be a prerequisite to friendship, but friendship takes active effort. This is a simple consequence of the fact tha

I disagree. Shared interest/circumstance may be a prerequisite to friendship, but friendship takes active effort. This is a simple consequence of the fact that the logistics of making time in one's schedule to see others, coordinating activities, emotional labor to support friends, etc., all are also prerequisite to friendship, and themselves take effort. This is especially true because (I forget where I read this), statistically, most of your friends will be less socially assertive than you. I know personally, if I stopped putting in effort to friendships -- positive friendships which bring net value into my life! -- all but maybe one or two would wither away, simply for want of ever seeing or interacting with each other.

detrites 4y ago
These points seem to be about maintaining existing relationships. The OP was asking about beginning them. These are different phases with different levels of excitement, coincidence and time-allocation built-in.
- colanderman 4y ago
  I think my point still applies to making friends. Someone has to put in the emotional and logistical effort to schedule a first "hey, let's get together outside of work/school" evening. That can be a big hurdle to clear. And then a second meetup. And a third... until you are actually "friends" and not "two randos with shared interest who tried to meet up once and it was awkward". Finding potential friends, I agree with your advice. Following your own interests makes you an interesting and attractive person, and finding people who share your interests sets you up for healthy friendships.
  - detrites 4y ago
    Sure it can happen like that, but it's not the only way. No effort is required to begin a friendship that happens automatically. Both naturally organise a next meet, and/or already have reason to and/or happily can't avoid it. Relationships often begin at work/edu for this reason. The times I've been assertive and essentially built a connection out of what was nothing, it's been interesting, even exhilarating - but less reliably enduring. It's tended to be better to begin with a bigger "spark". And if that spark isn't enough to create a shared excitement that automatically leads to a next step, without requiring effort, it may mean it's not worth such effort. (Not always, though.)
    - em-bee 4y ago
      it only happens organically if there is a reason to go to some place that is independent of that person. so going to the same club/gym/supermarket/activity/whatever where you frequently bump into each other, potentially aligning your schedule, but not creating a problem if one of you doesn't show up.

detrites 4y ago

These points seem to be about maintaining existing relationships. The OP was asking about beginning them. These are different phases with different levels of excitement, coincidence and time-allocation built-in.

colanderman 4y ago
I think my point still applies to making friends. Someone has to put in the emotional and logistical effort to schedule a first "hey, let's get together outside of work/school" evening. That can be a big hurdle to clear. And then a second meetup. And a third... until you are actually "friends" and not "two randos with shared interest who tried to meet up once and it was awkward". Finding potential friends, I agree with your advice. Following your own interests makes you an interesting and attractive person, and finding people who share your interests sets you up for healthy friendships.
- detrites 4y ago
  Sure it can happen like that, but it's not the only way. No effort is required to begin a friendship that happens automatically. Both naturally organise a next meet, and/or already have reason to and/or happily can't avoid it. Relationships often begin at work/edu for this reason. The times I've been assertive and essentially built a connection out of what was nothing, it's been interesting, even exhilarating - but less reliably enduring. It's tended to be better to begin with a bigger "spark". And if that spark isn't enough to create a shared excitement that automatically leads to a next step, without requiring effort, it may mean it's not worth such effort. (Not always, though.)
  - em-bee 4y ago
    it only happens organically if there is a reason to go to some place that is independent of that person. so going to the same club/gym/supermarket/activity/whatever where you frequently bump into each other, potentially aligning your schedule, but not creating a problem if one of you doesn't show up.