6 ms·

One thing I observed moving cities recently, and realized has been true for much of my life: there's a pretty small number of people who actually organize thing

One thing I observed moving cities recently, and realized has been true for much of my life: there's a pretty small number of people who actually organize things. As the density of your social network naturally decreases, you may have lost a few eigenvector-central social network nodes. Think back to those work parties: were they really spontaneous, or did "Janice in Accounting" always seem to step up? For me, there was one guy who always ran the happy hours; when he left, the happy hours' frequency dropped noticeably. The aging, COVID, kids, busy-ness, general "Bowling Alone" etc factors all do make things harder too (reduce social density, increase difficulty of scheduling, etc.). But that's just friction; it can be overcome. The best thing I did was become the shameless type of person who actively tries to create/join/combine social circles. It pretty quickly put me in touch with other people who do the same, and my social circle grew naturally after that.

TechnicolorByte 4y ago
Thai rings true IME. My (small) social circle died out with COVID/remote work/moving to the city and I’ve struggled to make connections because I’m not the type to initiate events. Realizing now that I’ve taken for granted these organizing people and will have to be comfortable becoming the “shameless type” and risk rejection if I want to make friends.
- yunwal 4y ago
  I went through this probably a year ago and I think it’s probably something everyone should go through. Like immersion therapy for rejection.
  - curiousllama 4y ago
    > Like immersion therapy for rejection. Love this phrasing
  - Nextgrid 4y ago
    Problem isn't just the fear of rejection. There are legitimate reasons why some people get rejected more than others, whether it's looks, social skills or just lack of shared interests. If you are part of those people, the "return on investment" in terms of socialisation diminishes - it's not about fear per-se, it's about the rational decision of not sinking time into an endeavour with a high failure rate if you have other, better options.
    - curiousllama 4y ago
      This is a good point. There’s definitely a different baseline ROI for different people. But still, I was surprised how much of “how to make people like me” was pretty explicitly learnable. But your point does still stand. If you’re happy where you are - you have “other, better options” - def doesn’t make sense to invest in something where you’re not gonna get the return you want.
Aerroon 4y ago
>there's a pretty small number of people who actually organize things I've observed the same thing in video games with group activities. People sit in party finder waiting for somebody else to organize a group. They could make the group themselves, but they don't. They just sit there and wait until somebody else does it. In real life I can understand this apprehension a lot more, but in games it's the difference of a few clicks and picking and choosing who gets to join. And yet a lot of people don't want to do it. It's quite curious. I wonder if it's related to who is willing to organize things in real life as well. Maybe some people are just more driven to organize things?
- 10000truths 4y ago
  With video games, if you want a group of N people, then creating a new group means you have to wait until N-1 other people join. If you join an existing group of N-1 people, then the group is ready to go as soon as you join. Of course, finding that group of N-1 people might take longer than just creating a group of N people yourself, but the human mind is easily lulled into sunk costs.
- MattDemers 4y ago
  There's probably a discussion to be had here about the change from self-hosted servers and self-selecting your community, vs "party finder"/matchmaking becoming the prevalent way to play. Previously you could go to "newbie" servers, learn the game or play without as much seriousness, or self-organize into clans/groups if you wanted something more serious. You needed to learn the customs and culture of every server and if you didn't like it, you could just go to another. Now, everything is matchmade, there is no culture, and the "Ranked" vs "Quick Play" game modes means that you're just relying on the game to pair you with an enjoyable experience (that you can't just bail on without a penalty of some kind). Yes, this system is sometimes more preferable than going "LFG SM All" in LFG chat, but there is something that's been lost.
wheats 4y ago
>"The best thing I did was become the shameless type of person who actively tries to create/join/combine social circles. It pretty quickly put me in touch with other people who do the same, and my social circle grew naturally after that." Any advice? That's a hard thing to do!
- curiousllama 4y ago
  For sure. Assuming you have a few friends to start: (0) Reach out to everyone. Everyone. That old college acquaintance you just noticed is in your city? Get coffee/happy hour. You never know who's looking for more friends. (1) Encourage people to invite/bring their friends when you organize something. Hit up one friend for happy hour/food. "You've mentioned [coworker] a few times before - would he/she want to join us?" (2) Host (implied) large group gatherings. Easy to say "come over, and bring whoever!" I like sports, so I host for the super bowl, World cup, March Madness, etc. - but could be anything. Throw parties for other peoples' birthday/going away/coming-to-the-city. Advance level: some bars are often open to "hosting" an event - they'll just rope off an area if you promise X people will show up. (3) Host recurring events. Board Game nights, poker nights, dinner parties, wine club, etc. Great way to deepen relationships. (4) Start group chats. Much easier to maintain a relationship with 4 group chats than 20 individuals. If one can't get critical mass, post the plan in another. (5) Be actively welcoming. Make a point to intro yourself to new people/social stragglers on the edge, and greet people by name when they show up in a new-ish space (e.g., my friend brings his new gf to a board game night; she doesn't know many people here; stand up and say "Hello Janice! Great to finally meet you. How has your week been?"). Forge connection, don't just co-exist in the same space. I'm sure there's more...
  - dr_orpheus 4y ago
    > (3) Host recurring events This has been a key one for me and my friend group. And this may also be instead of "host" recurring events its "go to" recurring events. We try and do trivia every week and as it becomes recurring it becomes part of everyone's schedule itself and not something to schedule and plan for which takes a lot of the pressure off. We kind of have a "core" group but everyone will occasionally bring coworkers, friends/family who are in town, etc. that help expand the social circle.
ericmay 4y ago
I agree, and it's even more difficult when a population is very transitory. Basically, things don't maintain themselves. This is true of work parties and get-togethers and dinners, and also true of government, civic organizations, and other related groups. We need more people stepping up and doing the hard work of organizing.
djaychela 4y ago
>there's a pretty small number of people who actually organize things I think this is very true. Back in the day, I was 'the instigator'. I'd phone a couple of friends, and soon enough, Saturday night would be 'on'. If I didn't do it, it generally didn't happen. They wanted to go out, but never enough to actually organize it. 20 years on, I'm remembering my role and trying to make more things happen, particularly as I'm not on any Social Media, so have dropped off the passive radar of a number of my friends.

TechnicolorByte 4y ago

Thai rings true IME. My (small) social circle died out with COVID/remote work/moving to the city and I’ve struggled to make connections because I’m not the type to initiate events. Realizing now that I’ve taken for granted these organizing people and will have to be comfortable becoming the “shameless type” and risk rejection if I want to make friends.

yunwal 4y ago
I went through this probably a year ago and I think it’s probably something everyone should go through. Like immersion therapy for rejection.
- curiousllama 4y ago
  > Like immersion therapy for rejection. Love this phrasing
- Nextgrid 4y ago
  Problem isn't just the fear of rejection. There are legitimate reasons why some people get rejected more than others, whether it's looks, social skills or just lack of shared interests. If you are part of those people, the "return on investment" in terms of socialisation diminishes - it's not about fear per-se, it's about the rational decision of not sinking time into an endeavour with a high failure rate if you have other, better options.
  - curiousllama 4y ago
    This is a good point. There’s definitely a different baseline ROI for different people. But still, I was surprised how much of “how to make people like me” was pretty explicitly learnable. But your point does still stand. If you’re happy where you are - you have “other, better options” - def doesn’t make sense to invest in something where you’re not gonna get the return you want.

Aerroon 4y ago

>there's a pretty small number of people who actually organize things I've observed the same thing in video games with group activities. People sit in party finder waiting for somebody else to organize a group. They could make the group themselves, but they don't. They just sit there and wait until somebody else does it. In real life I can understand this apprehension a lot more, but in games it's the difference of a few clicks and picking and choosing who gets to join. And yet a lot of people don't want to do it. It's quite curious. I wonder if it's related to who is willing to organize things in real life as well. Maybe some people are just more driven to organize things?

10000truths 4y ago
With video games, if you want a group of N people, then creating a new group means you have to wait until N-1 other people join. If you join an existing group of N-1 people, then the group is ready to go as soon as you join. Of course, finding that group of N-1 people might take longer than just creating a group of N people yourself, but the human mind is easily lulled into sunk costs.
MattDemers 4y ago
There's probably a discussion to be had here about the change from self-hosted servers and self-selecting your community, vs "party finder"/matchmaking becoming the prevalent way to play. Previously you could go to "newbie" servers, learn the game or play without as much seriousness, or self-organize into clans/groups if you wanted something more serious. You needed to learn the customs and culture of every server and if you didn't like it, you could just go to another. Now, everything is matchmade, there is no culture, and the "Ranked" vs "Quick Play" game modes means that you're just relying on the game to pair you with an enjoyable experience (that you can't just bail on without a penalty of some kind). Yes, this system is sometimes more preferable than going "LFG SM All" in LFG chat, but there is something that's been lost.

wheats 4y ago

>"The best thing I did was become the shameless type of person who actively tries to create/join/combine social circles. It pretty quickly put me in touch with other people who do the same, and my social circle grew naturally after that." Any advice? That's a hard thing to do!

curiousllama 4y ago
For sure. Assuming you have a few friends to start: (0) Reach out to everyone. Everyone. That old college acquaintance you just noticed is in your city? Get coffee/happy hour. You never know who's looking for more friends. (1) Encourage people to invite/bring their friends when you organize something. Hit up one friend for happy hour/food. "You've mentioned [coworker] a few times before - would he/she want to join us?" (2) Host (implied) large group gatherings. Easy to say "come over, and bring whoever!" I like sports, so I host for the super bowl, World cup, March Madness, etc. - but could be anything. Throw parties for other peoples' birthday/going away/coming-to-the-city. Advance level: some bars are often open to "hosting" an event - they'll just rope off an area if you promise X people will show up. (3) Host recurring events. Board Game nights, poker nights, dinner parties, wine club, etc. Great way to deepen relationships. (4) Start group chats. Much easier to maintain a relationship with 4 group chats than 20 individuals. If one can't get critical mass, post the plan in another. (5) Be actively welcoming. Make a point to intro yourself to new people/social stragglers on the edge, and greet people by name when they show up in a new-ish space (e.g., my friend brings his new gf to a board game night; she doesn't know many people here; stand up and say "Hello Janice! Great to finally meet you. How has your week been?"). Forge connection, don't just co-exist in the same space. I'm sure there's more...
- dr_orpheus 4y ago
  > (3) Host recurring events This has been a key one for me and my friend group. And this may also be instead of "host" recurring events its "go to" recurring events. We try and do trivia every week and as it becomes recurring it becomes part of everyone's schedule itself and not something to schedule and plan for which takes a lot of the pressure off. We kind of have a "core" group but everyone will occasionally bring coworkers, friends/family who are in town, etc. that help expand the social circle.

ericmay 4y ago

I agree, and it's even more difficult when a population is very transitory. Basically, things don't maintain themselves. This is true of work parties and get-togethers and dinners, and also true of government, civic organizations, and other related groups. We need more people stepping up and doing the hard work of organizing.

djaychela 4y ago

>there's a pretty small number of people who actually organize things I think this is very true. Back in the day, I was 'the instigator'. I'd phone a couple of friends, and soon enough, Saturday night would be 'on'. If I didn't do it, it generally didn't happen. They wanted to go out, but never enough to actually organize it. 20 years on, I'm remembering my role and trying to make more things happen, particularly as I'm not on any Social Media, so have dropped off the passive radar of a number of my friends.