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I disagree strongly with "5. Identify what irritates people the most in others—because this is probably the trait they dislike most in themselves." Often what

I disagree strongly with "5. Identify what irritates people the most in others—because this is probably the trait they dislike most in themselves." Often what irritates someone most is if others have a different engagement style. E.g. someone who likes to take a conflict head on will be most irritated by the avoidance or the silent treatment, someone who likes to let things settle will be most irritated by someone who always feel the need to force the point of conflict. Not all resentment or irritation felt towards others comes from projection! It also feels rather silencing, if applied at large. Can one not call others deceptive without being labeled deceptive oneself?

The_Colonel 4y ago
Agreed, I think the author mixed several different things together and it would be better to just stay with projection.
mihaic 4y ago
I wanted to post almost the same comment. While it might sometimes be true, since a practitioner has an easier time to identify a fellow sinner, it's terribly wrong at other times: most upright individuals strongly dislike corruption for instance. I'm wondering what the author is generalizing from himself.
raducu 4y ago
I came back to the comments to say this! I'm quite tolerant (perhaps overly so) but I can't stand bullies, un-professional people or unpolite people in the workenvironment. I'm 100% not on one of those. What the author is ON to this statement is when people say "I can't stand X" it really means "I don't know how to deal with X", and that's 75% true for me.
_yb2s 4y ago
You raise good points, but I think your point is actually compatible with, rather than at odds with the article. For example, someone that likes to take conflict head on will deeply dislike their own desire to be avoidant, and for example will likely deeply regret the few times they failed to take a conflict head on. In any such scale, e.g. being deceptive vs truthful, everybody has a bit of both, and if they identify strongly with one end, they also dislike the part of themselves that is opposite of that (a la Carl Jung's shadow concept). I think most people are actually pretty successful at suppressing parts of themselves they most dislike unless they are suffering from addiction or depression, etc.
- xboxnolifes 4y ago
  This feels like it's assuming a certain causal direction. You say that I dislike the other person's character trait because it's a trait of mine I may dislike and suppress. What if it's the other way around? What if I suppress a trait of mine because I've been annoyed by other people exhibiting the trait and do not wish to exhibit it myself? I know the latter is something I've taken conscience effort to do.
  - raducu 4y ago
    That's a really good point, but not 100% in contradiction with the main point. It certainly is an issue regardless of causal direction when you feel strongly about something that most "healthy" people aren't that bothered with. I had BPD(90% cured) and one lingering issue I have is called "Subjugation" where I have trouble setting healthy limits and seeing acts of bullying or others subjugating others (real or perceived) still triggers me. I did tell HR I hated bullying, HR took it well, but one could certainly reach the correct conclusion I have a weakness when dealing with them, otherwise I wouldn't be as bothered with it, or list it as number one issue; I mean, it only happened once in the last 15 years.
  - _yb2s 4y ago
    I think the cause and effect here isn't linear, but circular. People dislike the same trait in others, and themselves, and seeing it in either of them causes them to further dislike and suppress it.

The_Colonel 4y ago

Agreed, I think the author mixed several different things together and it would be better to just stay with projection.

mihaic 4y ago

I wanted to post almost the same comment. While it might sometimes be true, since a practitioner has an easier time to identify a fellow sinner, it's terribly wrong at other times: most upright individuals strongly dislike corruption for instance. I'm wondering what the author is generalizing from himself.

raducu 4y ago

I came back to the comments to say this! I'm quite tolerant (perhaps overly so) but I can't stand bullies, un-professional people or unpolite people in the workenvironment. I'm 100% not on one of those. What the author is ON to this statement is when people say "I can't stand X" it really means "I don't know how to deal with X", and that's 75% true for me.

_yb2s 4y ago

You raise good points, but I think your point is actually compatible with, rather than at odds with the article. For example, someone that likes to take conflict head on will deeply dislike their own desire to be avoidant, and for example will likely deeply regret the few times they failed to take a conflict head on. In any such scale, e.g. being deceptive vs truthful, everybody has a bit of both, and if they identify strongly with one end, they also dislike the part of themselves that is opposite of that (a la Carl Jung's shadow concept). I think most people are actually pretty successful at suppressing parts of themselves they most dislike unless they are suffering from addiction or depression, etc.

xboxnolifes 4y ago
This feels like it's assuming a certain causal direction. You say that I dislike the other person's character trait because it's a trait of mine I may dislike and suppress. What if it's the other way around? What if I suppress a trait of mine because I've been annoyed by other people exhibiting the trait and do not wish to exhibit it myself? I know the latter is something I've taken conscience effort to do.
- raducu 4y ago
  That's a really good point, but not 100% in contradiction with the main point. It certainly is an issue regardless of causal direction when you feel strongly about something that most "healthy" people aren't that bothered with. I had BPD(90% cured) and one lingering issue I have is called "Subjugation" where I have trouble setting healthy limits and seeing acts of bullying or others subjugating others (real or perceived) still triggers me. I did tell HR I hated bullying, HR took it well, but one could certainly reach the correct conclusion I have a weakness when dealing with them, otherwise I wouldn't be as bothered with it, or list it as number one issue; I mean, it only happened once in the last 15 years.
- _yb2s 4y ago
  I think the cause and effect here isn't linear, but circular. People dislike the same trait in others, and themselves, and seeing it in either of them causes them to further dislike and suppress it.