4 ms·

I'm all for fixing systemic problems, taming the dragons, etc. Collectively, that's great. I'd argue that western civilization has never been kindler, gentler,

I'm all for fixing systemic problems, taming the dragons, etc. Collectively, that's great. I'd argue that western civilization has never been kindler, gentler, inclusive and diverse than it is at this moment in history. So we've made great strides. However all of this does very little for the average individual unhappy in their unique situational challenges. If you're unhappy with the hand you're dealt, and keep shifting the blame to society, you will probably remain unhappy for a long time. If, on the other hand, you decide to change things in or about yourself, you will find that you have significantly more agency over the situation. A wise person once told me that whenever you have stress in your life it's because your expectations don't match reality. I learned that sometimes what had to change was I had to "learn to accept reality", as reality was something that couldn't be changed. As Bruce Lee said, the reed that bends in a storm survives it and grows, while bamboo, being rigid, will snap and break. There's no panacea to the problem of being happy and content in our short lives. But there are things you can do to improve your odds of enjoying it more while you're here. In the meantime, we should continue to fix systemic problems, injustices, etc.

s1artibartfast 4y ago
>I learned that sometimes what had to change was I had to "learn to accept reality" This was a breakthrough for me as well. Accepting reality as it does not mean you have to like it, but it gives a foundation for moving forward. I would quibble that it is important to separate reality as it is today, The future it Can Be, and the future it Can't Be. If you cant accept reality as it is and that some futures are impossible, you will miss the best future that CAN have. You need to accept the cards you are dealt and then play them to the very best of your ability.
- tjrDL6MjB2Zwwa 4y ago
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- lordfrito 4y ago
  Something else worth mentioning is that "cruel" and "lazy" parts of the advice the article talks about has more to do with people who've had it pretty easy lecturing people that haven't. It's not that the message is wrong, it's that there's no empathy so it just comes across as incredibly tone-deaf (which it of course is).
  - s1artibartfast 4y ago
    Interesting, That wasn't my take on the second "lazy" part of the article at all. For me the lazy part was a counter-statement to first part. It claims that YES, there are individual issues, and individual action matters tremendously.
    - victorstanciu 4y ago
      This is what I meant. It's a harsh word, but--at least in my case--the truth is harsh too. I'm lazy. I have a huge array of benefits and privileges laid out in front of me, but I don't take advantage of them, even though I easily could.
    - lordfrito 4y ago
      Yeah I guess I'm confusing that my bad, lazy I'm talking about is the "arm-chair advice" people give to sound smart. Easy to dispense, little value. No empathy.
DangitBobby 4y ago
> A wise person once told me that whenever you have stress in your life it's because your expectations don't match reality. I can't agree with this at all. If expect to have to work 60 hours next week and then I do, should I reflect on why that's stressful? Or if I'm expecting to lose my house because I don't have a job or money... Where's the stress coming from? I'd probably be less stressed if I were under the illusion that I'd be able to keep my house without money! Stress is not just expectations.
- lordfrito 4y ago
  > If expect to have to work 60 hours next week and then I do, should I reflect on why that's stressful? It's not clear to why working 60 hours is stressful to you. Is it because the 60 hours is too long, or the quality of the job? If long hours is the problem, then your expectation is that you shouldn't be working 60 hours, but reality clearly says that you are, and so your stressed. If it's the quality of the job, then you're expecting the job to be something other than it is. You're purposely showing up to a place that you know will make you unhappy. In this case, the agency you have gives you a few options to consider - talk to management about possibly reducing hours or responsibilities - if that doesn't work, leave and find another job with better work/life balance. You may have to accept a pay cut to get this. If your expectation is that you'll make $1M a year being a McDonalds worker, well that's another expectation not aligned with reality. - or alternatively "accept" that is what your job is at this part of life (maybe you have crushing debts you need to pay, and so you accept doing something hard for a while to pay them off) I personally don't mind working long hours, I've done it before, I'll do it again as work challenges come and go. As long as I feel I'm being compensated properly I'm good with it. > Or if I'm expecting to lose my house because I don't have a job or money... Where's the stress coming from? The stress is coming from you expecting not to be homeless, while reality is telling you that you will be. A terrible situation for sure (how did you get here?). If you don't have friends or family that can help you get back on your feet, then your options are very limited (you can't change reality and make someone house you for free). So accepting the temporary homelessness will reduce the stress you feel. Many people choose to be homeless, so it is possible. There are homeless shelters and other programs designed to help you get back on your feet. Accept that this is part of your life moving forward and make plans to get back on your feet. This is a hard example, but same logic applies. If you're going to be homeless then you're going to be homeless. I understand why that one is hard to accept. Not saying it's easy. But you can either be homeless and stressed because you don't want to be, or you can be homeless and find a way to make it work (live light) while you get back on your feet. I lived on my buddies couch for a month. I know a woman who was homeless as a young single mother, now works in IT. It is possible to overcome these things and put yourself back on your own two feet. I lost my son at 16. That was very hard to accept. I'd have done anything to turn back time, but that's impossible. Some of the worst parts of life are learning to accept things outside of your control, grieving, and moving on with life. Life is for the living.

s1artibartfast 4y ago

>I learned that sometimes what had to change was I had to "learn to accept reality" This was a breakthrough for me as well. Accepting reality as it does not mean you have to like it, but it gives a foundation for moving forward. I would quibble that it is important to separate reality as it is today, The future it Can Be, and the future it Can't Be. If you cant accept reality as it is and that some futures are impossible, you will miss the best future that CAN have. You need to accept the cards you are dealt and then play them to the very best of your ability.

tjrDL6MjB2Zwwa 4y ago
[dead]
lordfrito 4y ago
Something else worth mentioning is that "cruel" and "lazy" parts of the advice the article talks about has more to do with people who've had it pretty easy lecturing people that haven't. It's not that the message is wrong, it's that there's no empathy so it just comes across as incredibly tone-deaf (which it of course is).
- s1artibartfast 4y ago
  Interesting, That wasn't my take on the second "lazy" part of the article at all. For me the lazy part was a counter-statement to first part. It claims that YES, there are individual issues, and individual action matters tremendously.
  - victorstanciu 4y ago
    This is what I meant. It's a harsh word, but--at least in my case--the truth is harsh too. I'm lazy. I have a huge array of benefits and privileges laid out in front of me, but I don't take advantage of them, even though I easily could.
  - lordfrito 4y ago
    Yeah I guess I'm confusing that my bad, lazy I'm talking about is the "arm-chair advice" people give to sound smart. Easy to dispense, little value. No empathy.

DangitBobby 4y ago

> A wise person once told me that whenever you have stress in your life it's because your expectations don't match reality. I can't agree with this at all. If expect to have to work 60 hours next week and then I do, should I reflect on why that's stressful? Or if I'm expecting to lose my house because I don't have a job or money... Where's the stress coming from? I'd probably be less stressed if I were under the illusion that I'd be able to keep my house without money! Stress is not just expectations.

lordfrito 4y ago
> If expect to have to work 60 hours next week and then I do, should I reflect on why that's stressful? It's not clear to why working 60 hours is stressful to you. Is it because the 60 hours is too long, or the quality of the job? If long hours is the problem, then your expectation is that you shouldn't be working 60 hours, but reality clearly says that you are, and so your stressed. If it's the quality of the job, then you're expecting the job to be something other than it is. You're purposely showing up to a place that you know will make you unhappy. In this case, the agency you have gives you a few options to consider - talk to management about possibly reducing hours or responsibilities - if that doesn't work, leave and find another job with better work/life balance. You may have to accept a pay cut to get this. If your expectation is that you'll make $1M a year being a McDonalds worker, well that's another expectation not aligned with reality. - or alternatively "accept" that is what your job is at this part of life (maybe you have crushing debts you need to pay, and so you accept doing something hard for a while to pay them off) I personally don't mind working long hours, I've done it before, I'll do it again as work challenges come and go. As long as I feel I'm being compensated properly I'm good with it. > Or if I'm expecting to lose my house because I don't have a job or money... Where's the stress coming from? The stress is coming from you expecting not to be homeless, while reality is telling you that you will be. A terrible situation for sure (how did you get here?). If you don't have friends or family that can help you get back on your feet, then your options are very limited (you can't change reality and make someone house you for free). So accepting the temporary homelessness will reduce the stress you feel. Many people choose to be homeless, so it is possible. There are homeless shelters and other programs designed to help you get back on your feet. Accept that this is part of your life moving forward and make plans to get back on your feet. This is a hard example, but same logic applies. If you're going to be homeless then you're going to be homeless. I understand why that one is hard to accept. Not saying it's easy. But you can either be homeless and stressed because you don't want to be, or you can be homeless and find a way to make it work (live light) while you get back on your feet. I lived on my buddies couch for a month. I know a woman who was homeless as a young single mother, now works in IT. It is possible to overcome these things and put yourself back on your own two feet. I lost my son at 16. That was very hard to accept. I'd have done anything to turn back time, but that's impossible. Some of the worst parts of life are learning to accept things outside of your control, grieving, and moving on with life. Life is for the living.