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> Ugly and alone? Just be yourself! Never mind that we’ve designed for you a society where personal connections are harder and harder to make and maintain, and

> Ugly and alone? Just be yourself! Never mind that we’ve designed for you a society where personal connections are harder and harder to make and maintain, and we’ve commodified human relationships into the equivalent of online supermarket catalogs. Having done online dating for years, this rings so true. Some people online talk about the success stories but rarely do they acknowledge the absolute slog that can happen for a huge portion of people and that there is no guarantee even with persistence and a good attitude that you'll ever find someone who neither ghosts or treats you like garbage, and has a true connection with you. I recall a Louis CK joke: > 'There’s someone for everyone.' Nope. Not at all true, and stop saying it cause it’s mean to people who never find anybody. There are millions of people out there who we’ve all unanimously decided that they are lightspeed ugly and nobody kisses them on the lips even. Nobody touches their genitals their entire life. They just wash 'em, and then they die. That’s all that happens. 'Aww,' and if you’re feeling bad for them, you can go find one and fuck one tomorrow, you can just solve the problem right there with all that kindness in your heart. 'Aww.' Well, go fuck one. 'Nah.' I didn’t think so." Out of all my friends, only one tried setting me up with someone on a blind date. Goodness, I can't even describe to you the kind of disgust I felt from her face when I walked through the restaurant door for our first and only date. Even though I knew from the first minute that the date was doomed, I did my best to make non-awkward. Such is life, we can't choose what we inherit.

xyzelement 4y ago
// there is no guarantee even with persistence and a good attitude // Such is life, we can't choose what we inherit I agree that there's no guarantees but something conspicuously missing from this story is anything you've done to better the odds. Do you go to the gym or work out at home? Have you found a barber who cuts your hair well? Have you had a fashionable friend help you with your wardrobe? Have you spent any time practicing small talk or put any emphasis on becoming more charming? None of these things guarantee success either but it's weird to not hear about any work you had put in to make this happen (not saying you haven't done it just you didn't mention it)
- moralestapia 4y ago
  Dude, come on, that's what TFA's about lol.
  - xyzelement 4y ago
    Yup and I disagree with it. I don't blame the dude for the outcome, sometimes you do what you can and it doesn't work out. But did he do what he could?
    - fluoridation 4y ago
      >Yup and I disagree with it. I don't blame the dude for the outcome, sometimes you do what you can and it doesn't work out. If it's the case that you can do everything you can and still fail, how are you disagreeing with the article?
      - xyzelement 4y ago
        // If it's the case that you can do everything you can and still fail, how are you disagreeing with the article It's about moving the probably of desired outcome from zero to likely. Like, let's say op really wanted someone to "touch his genitals"- badly enough to invest a year in working on his physique, appearance, and personality. There's still no guarantee that it will work but it will move the odds tremendously. If he does nothing, he's taking the guaranteed fail and I think that's sad.
        s1artibartfast 4y ago
        >quarantined fail What does this mean? Im not familiar with the term
        xyzelement 4y ago
        Typo of "guaranteed" - fixed it, thanks.
        4y ago
willcipriano 4y ago
[flagged]
- numbers_guy 4y ago
  What the fuck sort of bullshit comment is this? I swear to God, everytime a man dares complain about his life, some asshole immediately gets triggered and starts blaming him. Go fuck yourself.
  - dang 4y ago
    Please don't respond to a bad comment by breaking the site guidelines yourself. That only makes everything worse. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html
- bartread 4y ago
  Blind dates, and this is nothing to do with physical attractiveness, have in my experience been a disillusioning opportunity to find out how little my friends actually know me, to the point where I started refusing to go on them any more around 10 years ago. I'm now fortunate enough to be getting married to a wonderful woman in a few weeks so (I hope) this will forever more be a non-issue, but I'd always rather get to know someone in a group setting if friends think we might click without the unnecessary pressure of it being a date.
  - willcipriano 4y ago
    [flagged]
- jstarfish 4y ago
  > Out of all my friends, only one tried setting me up with someone on a blind date. > Goodness, I can't even describe to you the kind of disgust I felt from her face when I walked through the restaurant door for our first and only date. Well, now we see why none of his friends set him up on blind dates. I feel bad for the poor girl who suffered an hour with him.
- 4y ago
subjectsigma 4y ago
I used to be in the “just gym” crowd but as I’m getting older, I’m personally seeing how completely and utterly useless any sentence starting with “just” is. I have a friend who has the full puzzle and can’t seem to put it together. Used to be fat, poor, lived with his parents. In five years he’s completely turned his life around - he’s young, in shape, has a career, and is moving out into his own place. Still can’t get a date. Starting to both rapidly lose his hair to male pattern baldness and his sanity to the numerous rejections he receives. This isn’t some comment on society or my friend, I’m pointing out how nobody (especially him) seems to know what he needs to be happy. If even specific advice doesn’t work how could generic advice ever help? Godspeed friend, hope things get better for you.
- goethes_kind 4y ago
  I never understood this obsession with going to the gym. Like, my main problem is meeting women at all. Second main problem is impressing them enough to give me a chance to showcase my attractive qualities, which unlike my unattractive qualities, are not in plain view. Unfortunately, living in a country where meeting any kind of people at all is extremely hard to start with, I barely get a chance to ever even flirt or ask a woman on a date. At least your friend is getting rejections. That means he somehow managed to figure out how to routinely get in contact with women.
  - SuoDuanDao 4y ago
    hitting the gym tends to up testosterone which makes one more likely to take opportunities to start conversations. A lot of men don't take all the opportunities they have, 'just hit the gym' is helpful in those cases.
  - Hasu 4y ago
    > Like, my main problem is meeting women at all. Second main problem is impressing them enough to give me a chance to showcase my attractive qualities, which unlike my unattractive qualities, are not in plain view. Going to the gym helps with both of these problems. The gym is a place you can meet people, being fit makes you more confident and makes it easier to meet people, and being fit gives you attractive qualities that are in plain view.
googlryas 4y ago
If you're a 4 you have to target other 4s. I guess one problem is a lot of 4s decide to hold out for 7s and if they can't land one they say they will be forever alone.
PragmaticPulp 4y ago
> Having done online dating for years, this rings so true. Some people online talk about the success stories but rarely do they acknowledge the absolute slog that can happen for a huge portion of people I’ve seen the opposite of this: Online spaces are full of consensus stories about how dating is hard, dating is terrible, dating is miserable, and that it’s nearly impossible to find anyone. Many of my (completely average looking) friends have found success in online dating, but they’re not broadcasting it to the world. They also avoid talking about it with people who are struggling with online dating because those people don’t want to hear about other people doing well. Among my friends who are struggling with online dating into their 30s, this entrenched cynicism is turning into self-defeating mindsets. As an outside observer it’s frustrating to watch them self-sabotage by insisting that the problems with their dating are 100% society’s fault and 0% due to things they could possibly change. This ranges from not spending enough the tiniest effort on personal appearance to declining second dates or follow up conversations unless everything goes exactly as they imagined it. They retreat to online spaces like Reddit where they can get endless confirmation for their biases that other people and society are to blame, and that there was nothing they could do differently. I’m surprised to read the suggestion that “nobody” is talking about the difficulties in dating when it’s quite literally front page topics on sites like Reddit all of the time.
- lezojeda 4y ago
  >Many of my (completely average looking) friends have found success in online dating, but they’re not broadcasting it to the world. They also avoid talking about it with people who are struggling with online dating because those people don’t want to hear about other people doing well. Are they really _average_?
  - swagasaurus-rex 4y ago
    Everybody thinks a 7 is average but on the bell curve there’s 70% of people uglier than them. Men tend to rate women roughly along the bell curve. Women skew their ratings more heavily towards the most attractive men. I’d post the source but it was removed by okcupid.
- 4y ago
ge96 4y ago
When I was in college, there were so many people to interact with/meet. I then move to another state, I still go to the bars or whatever (spontaneous interaction with strangers is hard but I at least met a guy friend recently to not solo bars anymore). I also spend so much money... it's bad. Strip club for example waste of money, dim, forget what happened next day. Also kind of sad to pay for interaction. This problem did plague me in school though, it's all I strove for (getting laid). Step 1) be attractive as they say. Online dating is brutal too, depressing stuff. I'm just glad there's an outlet for me (porn). Then I can go about my life still.

xyzelement 4y ago

// there is no guarantee even with persistence and a good attitude // Such is life, we can't choose what we inherit I agree that there's no guarantees but something conspicuously missing from this story is anything you've done to better the odds. Do you go to the gym or work out at home? Have you found a barber who cuts your hair well? Have you had a fashionable friend help you with your wardrobe? Have you spent any time practicing small talk or put any emphasis on becoming more charming? None of these things guarantee success either but it's weird to not hear about any work you had put in to make this happen (not saying you haven't done it just you didn't mention it)

moralestapia 4y ago
Dude, come on, that's what TFA's about lol.
- xyzelement 4y ago
  Yup and I disagree with it. I don't blame the dude for the outcome, sometimes you do what you can and it doesn't work out. But did he do what he could?
  - fluoridation 4y ago
    >Yup and I disagree with it. I don't blame the dude for the outcome, sometimes you do what you can and it doesn't work out. If it's the case that you can do everything you can and still fail, how are you disagreeing with the article?
    - xyzelement 4y ago
      // If it's the case that you can do everything you can and still fail, how are you disagreeing with the article It's about moving the probably of desired outcome from zero to likely. Like, let's say op really wanted someone to "touch his genitals"- badly enough to invest a year in working on his physique, appearance, and personality. There's still no guarantee that it will work but it will move the odds tremendously. If he does nothing, he's taking the guaranteed fail and I think that's sad.
      - s1artibartfast 4y ago
        >quarantined fail What does this mean? Im not familiar with the term
        xyzelement 4y ago
        Typo of "guaranteed" - fixed it, thanks.
      - 4y ago

willcipriano 4y ago

[flagged]

numbers_guy 4y ago
What the fuck sort of bullshit comment is this? I swear to God, everytime a man dares complain about his life, some asshole immediately gets triggered and starts blaming him. Go fuck yourself.
- dang 4y ago
  Please don't respond to a bad comment by breaking the site guidelines yourself. That only makes everything worse. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html
bartread 4y ago
Blind dates, and this is nothing to do with physical attractiveness, have in my experience been a disillusioning opportunity to find out how little my friends actually know me, to the point where I started refusing to go on them any more around 10 years ago. I'm now fortunate enough to be getting married to a wonderful woman in a few weeks so (I hope) this will forever more be a non-issue, but I'd always rather get to know someone in a group setting if friends think we might click without the unnecessary pressure of it being a date.
- willcipriano 4y ago
  [flagged]
jstarfish 4y ago
> Out of all my friends, only one tried setting me up with someone on a blind date. > Goodness, I can't even describe to you the kind of disgust I felt from her face when I walked through the restaurant door for our first and only date. Well, now we see why none of his friends set him up on blind dates. I feel bad for the poor girl who suffered an hour with him.
4y ago

subjectsigma 4y ago

I used to be in the “just gym” crowd but as I’m getting older, I’m personally seeing how completely and utterly useless any sentence starting with “just” is. I have a friend who has the full puzzle and can’t seem to put it together. Used to be fat, poor, lived with his parents. In five years he’s completely turned his life around - he’s young, in shape, has a career, and is moving out into his own place. Still can’t get a date. Starting to both rapidly lose his hair to male pattern baldness and his sanity to the numerous rejections he receives. This isn’t some comment on society or my friend, I’m pointing out how nobody (especially him) seems to know what he needs to be happy. If even specific advice doesn’t work how could generic advice ever help? Godspeed friend, hope things get better for you.

goethes_kind 4y ago
I never understood this obsession with going to the gym. Like, my main problem is meeting women at all. Second main problem is impressing them enough to give me a chance to showcase my attractive qualities, which unlike my unattractive qualities, are not in plain view. Unfortunately, living in a country where meeting any kind of people at all is extremely hard to start with, I barely get a chance to ever even flirt or ask a woman on a date. At least your friend is getting rejections. That means he somehow managed to figure out how to routinely get in contact with women.
- SuoDuanDao 4y ago
  hitting the gym tends to up testosterone which makes one more likely to take opportunities to start conversations. A lot of men don't take all the opportunities they have, 'just hit the gym' is helpful in those cases.
- Hasu 4y ago
  > Like, my main problem is meeting women at all. Second main problem is impressing them enough to give me a chance to showcase my attractive qualities, which unlike my unattractive qualities, are not in plain view. Going to the gym helps with both of these problems. The gym is a place you can meet people, being fit makes you more confident and makes it easier to meet people, and being fit gives you attractive qualities that are in plain view.

googlryas 4y ago

If you're a 4 you have to target other 4s. I guess one problem is a lot of 4s decide to hold out for 7s and if they can't land one they say they will be forever alone.

PragmaticPulp 4y ago

> Having done online dating for years, this rings so true. Some people online talk about the success stories but rarely do they acknowledge the absolute slog that can happen for a huge portion of people I’ve seen the opposite of this: Online spaces are full of consensus stories about how dating is hard, dating is terrible, dating is miserable, and that it’s nearly impossible to find anyone. Many of my (completely average looking) friends have found success in online dating, but they’re not broadcasting it to the world. They also avoid talking about it with people who are struggling with online dating because those people don’t want to hear about other people doing well. Among my friends who are struggling with online dating into their 30s, this entrenched cynicism is turning into self-defeating mindsets. As an outside observer it’s frustrating to watch them self-sabotage by insisting that the problems with their dating are 100% society’s fault and 0% due to things they could possibly change. This ranges from not spending enough the tiniest effort on personal appearance to declining second dates or follow up conversations unless everything goes exactly as they imagined it. They retreat to online spaces like Reddit where they can get endless confirmation for their biases that other people and society are to blame, and that there was nothing they could do differently. I’m surprised to read the suggestion that “nobody” is talking about the difficulties in dating when it’s quite literally front page topics on sites like Reddit all of the time.

lezojeda 4y ago
>Many of my (completely average looking) friends have found success in online dating, but they’re not broadcasting it to the world. They also avoid talking about it with people who are struggling with online dating because those people don’t want to hear about other people doing well. Are they really _average_?
- swagasaurus-rex 4y ago
  Everybody thinks a 7 is average but on the bell curve there’s 70% of people uglier than them. Men tend to rate women roughly along the bell curve. Women skew their ratings more heavily towards the most attractive men. I’d post the source but it was removed by okcupid.
4y ago

ge96 4y ago

When I was in college, there were so many people to interact with/meet. I then move to another state, I still go to the bars or whatever (spontaneous interaction with strangers is hard but I at least met a guy friend recently to not solo bars anymore). I also spend so much money... it's bad. Strip club for example waste of money, dim, forget what happened next day. Also kind of sad to pay for interaction. This problem did plague me in school though, it's all I strove for (getting laid). Step 1) be attractive as they say. Online dating is brutal too, depressing stuff. I'm just glad there's an outlet for me (porn). Then I can go about my life still.