4 ms·

Poly relationships usually start with one of the partners gaslighting the other into opening up the relationship while the other silently agrees to it even thou

• __alexs 4y ago
  > Poly relationships usually start with one of the partners gaslighting the other Cite your sources?
  • the_third_wave 4y ago
    Probably from having seen this happen in their own circles? The "cite your sources" thing is rather tiring, it is an appeal to authority where no authority is required or even desired. There are no "experts on polyamorous relationships" who can tell people how to feel when their partners decides they need a little more excitement in their life after all, or are people now expected to follow the "experts" in their love life as well?
    • __alexs 4y ago
      The accusing people who are just getting on with their lives of manipulating their partners is also pretty tiring. There actually are people studying non-monogamous relationship models out there so yes those experts do exist if you seek them out. If your source is just "in my experience" that's fine, just make it clear that's what you are citing. Because otherwise it's just the same appeal to authority issue that you are accusing me of.
      • LightHugger 4y ago
        Yeah, then just say that. Don't mean what you wrote this time, but write "cite your sources". Just say what you mean, without playing that weird game of annoying people with irrelevant citation requests.
        • __alexs 4y ago
          I'm not sure what you're expecting but "personal experience" seems like a perfectly reasonable response to my original question.
          • the_third_wave 4y ago
            random_person: It's raining. __alexs: CITE YOUR SOURCES! random_person: I just came from outside and noticed. __alexs: OK, that is a perfectly reasonable response. Nope, the "cite your sources" thing does not work here either. It belongs on the Talk pages of Wikipedia articles or at the most in discussions where something really contentious is put forward by someone who has not given any indication of where he got his information from.
            • __alexs 4y ago
              > discussions where something really contentious is put forward by someone who has not given any indication of where he got his information from. Like this one apparently.
    • jfengel 4y ago
      Probably from having seen this happen in their own circles? If that is their experience, they should say so, rather than saying what "usually" happens (their word). "Cite your sources" is a somewhat combative way to say it, but they invited it by making broader statements than was justified. A better conversation could have run, "In my experience, [bad thing]." And then somebody could say, "Oh, but in my experience, [good thing]. Perhaps we can put our anecdotes together and draw patterns. I'll start: the difference could be [X]".
• raxxorraxor 4y ago
  If two people are unhappy with each other, maybe drawing in third parties isn't a good idea. I have no problems with such relationships. Certainly would never want to be in one and I don't believe they need state sanctions for anything. You can have the relationships you want and nobody stops you. Maybe guardianship transferal could be made easier, but tax benefits for relationships should only be valid for people that actually have kids. It is also questionable for people in marriages that do not have them.
• Nursie 4y ago
  I have seen this too, but with the genders the other way around. She wanted variety, he did not, but because he wanted her he agreed, and died quietly inside. I've also seen poly people who were all into it equally, with various partners, not all of whom were shared amongst each other, if you get my meaning. I think if everyone is into the idea ahead of time then it can work for those involved. AFAICT it varies a lot, and while we shouldn't generalise about all poly relationships, I think it's fair to say that some are the suffering-in-silence kind. But then you can say that about most relationship types.
• dhfbshfbu4u3 4y ago
  That’s my observation as well but I don’t really care what adults choose to do as long as kids aren’t involved.
  • prirun 4y ago
    I don't know anything about poly relationships, but it seems that if a couple with kids are unhappy in their relationship, and adding another adult fixes their relationship issues, then it would be a positive thing for the kids as well. Ie, kids shouldn't automatically rule out poly relationships. Though I'd agree, having kids with a person outside the marriage could be legally a mess. Then again, single people have kids all the time and have to deal with the messy details of that.
    • slowmovintarget 4y ago
      All of the things you're describing involve selfish behavior on the part of the adults. One partner wants this, both want that, but "should" seems to be missing from the equation.