4 ms·

Yes, the term I think you're looking for here is self-efficacy. "This is my problem, so I need to find a way through or around it, with or without help." See,

Yes, the term I think you're looking for here is self-efficacy. "This is my problem, so I need to find a way through or around it, with or without help." See, I had the opposite problem. I was hyper-vigilant AND hyper-independent, so I failed to develop my skills to connect with others. I have repeatedly reached the limits of my ability to do things independently. And the first step there was to overcome my childhood trauma (emotional neglect, which left me woefully underdeveloped in my ability to feel or understand emotions, and trust issues) which prevented me from trusting or being able to accept help from others. I could help others but couldn't accept help from others, so I was always overloaded and cut off, so people didn't even know or realize I was struggling. I'm now trying to learn how to build a network and go beyond what I can accomplish alone. This is a huge challenge in itself.

lordfrito 4y ago
Same problem. My main problem now isn't the trauma, but the fact I've been very successful on my own without help for so long. Essentially every time I got let down, I doubled down on independence and worked harder. And it kept working. Now I'm 51 and well established so I don't need anyone to provide anything, probably for the rest of my life. What I never found along the way are the skills to share, let alone enjoy, what I've built with someone else. Deep inside I just see other humans as potential attack vectors. But I keep trying! The remaining parts should be easier, I hope. Thanks for the chat. And best of luck to your journey as well.
- solarmist 4y ago
  I got lucky here. My wife was emotionally broken when I met her (her mom died from cancer in HS, and then her family started scapegoating her father), so I could care for her without much reciprocation. And over the last ten years, as she's healed, I've learned to address my issues one by one to the point where I'm now on neutral ground emotionally. I can share and enjoy what I have with her, but we both lack the skills to go beyond the two of us. > Deep inside I just see other humans as potential attack vectors. This is the problem. All human interaction is built on trust, empathy, and authenticity. Without being able to make progress there, no lasting connection can be achieved. Because trust is so fundamental to being human, I see the entire effort to establish zero-trust anything as a fundamentally misguided and doomed-to-failure activity. If you want to change your point of view you'd need to overcome trust issues and the easiest way of doing that is by identifying and coming to terms with the source of your trust issues. Brute forcing it as I did (with my wife) was the emotional version of repeatedly getting full-body road rash over and over again (for both of us).
  - lordfrito 4y ago
    Glad to hear. Sometimes a little luck is all it takes. I've read luck is just opportunity + preparedness. I don't have real control of opportunities, but I have agency to work on being prepared to identify and take advantage of them when they come along. At this phase in life, I've solved all my material problems, so I have plenty of free time, means, and energy that I can dedicate to solving this last big problem. Right now I'm dealing with the colossal amount of narcissistic selfishness that the average single adult in this country possesses. Attractive single woman at my age appear highly correlated with systemic selfish behavior and using people as a means to an end. Making it even harder is the material success I've found personally, it's like a magnet for every gold digger out there. Hard to develop trust in an environment full of people you shouldn't trust. I am regularly approached by women online looking for a sugar relationship. When did using people become this normalized? At least I've solved that one, I know it's not me any longer! That said, any advice on finding decent people to even try with?
    - solarmist 4y ago
      > At this phase in life, I've solved all my material problems... That sounds like a signaling problem. If one of the first things you talk about is being wealthy or displaying a lack of concern about spending money, then people who key off will take an interest. To me, this is all very common sense that I'm sure you've heard before, but I'll share it in case my reasoning helps it resonate better. I would suggest connecting with people without the direct intention of dating. For example, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4gWMTDaxKk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4gWMTDaxKk Then as you meet people doing these other things, you can ask them out for a date or be friends. As you make friends, you'll have access to more datable people via your social network, which (mostly) removes the problem you're describing since the people are pre-vetted by the type of people you make friends with. (I.e., the traditional way of finding dates via your social network). The other option is to not talk about money/means/etc. (and avoid spending money during dates above the bare minimum; i.e., splitting the check) until after four or so dates, effectively weeding out those people quickly. Another thing is to avoid making assumptions about what other people want or who is/isn't datable. People will often artificially limit their options or agency, such as an unwavering belief that "the man should pay," etc.

lordfrito 4y ago

Same problem. My main problem now isn't the trauma, but the fact I've been very successful on my own without help for so long. Essentially every time I got let down, I doubled down on independence and worked harder. And it kept working. Now I'm 51 and well established so I don't need anyone to provide anything, probably for the rest of my life. What I never found along the way are the skills to share, let alone enjoy, what I've built with someone else. Deep inside I just see other humans as potential attack vectors. But I keep trying! The remaining parts should be easier, I hope. Thanks for the chat. And best of luck to your journey as well.

solarmist 4y ago
I got lucky here. My wife was emotionally broken when I met her (her mom died from cancer in HS, and then her family started scapegoating her father), so I could care for her without much reciprocation. And over the last ten years, as she's healed, I've learned to address my issues one by one to the point where I'm now on neutral ground emotionally. I can share and enjoy what I have with her, but we both lack the skills to go beyond the two of us. > Deep inside I just see other humans as potential attack vectors. This is the problem. All human interaction is built on trust, empathy, and authenticity. Without being able to make progress there, no lasting connection can be achieved. Because trust is so fundamental to being human, I see the entire effort to establish zero-trust anything as a fundamentally misguided and doomed-to-failure activity. If you want to change your point of view you'd need to overcome trust issues and the easiest way of doing that is by identifying and coming to terms with the source of your trust issues. Brute forcing it as I did (with my wife) was the emotional version of repeatedly getting full-body road rash over and over again (for both of us).
- lordfrito 4y ago
  Glad to hear. Sometimes a little luck is all it takes. I've read luck is just opportunity + preparedness. I don't have real control of opportunities, but I have agency to work on being prepared to identify and take advantage of them when they come along. At this phase in life, I've solved all my material problems, so I have plenty of free time, means, and energy that I can dedicate to solving this last big problem. Right now I'm dealing with the colossal amount of narcissistic selfishness that the average single adult in this country possesses. Attractive single woman at my age appear highly correlated with systemic selfish behavior and using people as a means to an end. Making it even harder is the material success I've found personally, it's like a magnet for every gold digger out there. Hard to develop trust in an environment full of people you shouldn't trust. I am regularly approached by women online looking for a sugar relationship. When did using people become this normalized? At least I've solved that one, I know it's not me any longer! That said, any advice on finding decent people to even try with?
  - solarmist 4y ago
    > At this phase in life, I've solved all my material problems... That sounds like a signaling problem. If one of the first things you talk about is being wealthy or displaying a lack of concern about spending money, then people who key off will take an interest. To me, this is all very common sense that I'm sure you've heard before, but I'll share it in case my reasoning helps it resonate better. I would suggest connecting with people without the direct intention of dating. For example, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4gWMTDaxKk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4gWMTDaxKk Then as you meet people doing these other things, you can ask them out for a date or be friends. As you make friends, you'll have access to more datable people via your social network, which (mostly) removes the problem you're describing since the people are pre-vetted by the type of people you make friends with. (I.e., the traditional way of finding dates via your social network). The other option is to not talk about money/means/etc. (and avoid spending money during dates above the bare minimum; i.e., splitting the check) until after four or so dates, effectively weeding out those people quickly. Another thing is to avoid making assumptions about what other people want or who is/isn't datable. People will often artificially limit their options or agency, such as an unwavering belief that "the man should pay," etc.