4 ms·

I fully agree with you there. I think we’re going to have very fucked up generations for the next 50+ years as a result. I’m quite worried. I didn’t either. An

I fully agree with you there. I think we’re going to have very fucked up generations for the next 50+ years as a result. I’m quite worried. I didn’t either. And it’s taken me into my 40s to correct many of those issues myself. I got lucky in that I had childhood trauma and neglect which forced me to be self sufficient, but many people don’t have that even.

lordfrito 4y ago
Interesting. Nearly all of the entrepreneurial / keep-trying successful people in my life have a common experience of overcoming childhood trauma. It's a very formative force and leads to an endless drive to improve things. "Bad times breed good men" kind of thing. edit: I wouldn't wish it on anyone! People who have experienced trauma become hyper vigilant. That skill, combined with a scientific/engineering mindset, gives you deep insight into finding the roots of problems, and the drive to find solutions, and motivation to apply them. I've found its my superpower (when applied correctly). It takes a lot of introspection. And critical thinking skills. Which is why I guess that's why so many parents bemoan the loss of critical thinking skills. The digital era does not encourage kids to think. It encourages them to ask a the internet for a solution (google / peers on social media). If the solution doesn't work out it's easy not to blame yourself, but rather the "system". When your drive is to label yourself correctly to fit in, it makes it easy to avoid having to critically think about the "why" behind your choices. Focusing on identity is a new ruling priesthood of sorts: you must not question the teaching, and should get angry at those who don't share your faith.
- solarmist 4y ago
  Yes, the term I think you're looking for here is self-efficacy. "This is my problem, so I need to find a way through or around it, with or without help." See, I had the opposite problem. I was hyper-vigilant AND hyper-independent, so I failed to develop my skills to connect with others. I have repeatedly reached the limits of my ability to do things independently. And the first step there was to overcome my childhood trauma (emotional neglect, which left me woefully underdeveloped in my ability to feel or understand emotions, and trust issues) which prevented me from trusting or being able to accept help from others. I could help others but couldn't accept help from others, so I was always overloaded and cut off, so people didn't even know or realize I was struggling. I'm now trying to learn how to build a network and go beyond what I can accomplish alone. This is a huge challenge in itself.
  - lordfrito 4y ago
    Same problem. My main problem now isn't the trauma, but the fact I've been very successful on my own without help for so long. Essentially every time I got let down, I doubled down on independence and worked harder. And it kept working. Now I'm 51 and well established so I don't need anyone to provide anything, probably for the rest of my life. What I never found along the way are the skills to share, let alone enjoy, what I've built with someone else. Deep inside I just see other humans as potential attack vectors. But I keep trying! The remaining parts should be easier, I hope. Thanks for the chat. And best of luck to your journey as well.
    - solarmist 4y ago
      I got lucky here. My wife was emotionally broken when I met her (her mom died from cancer in HS, and then her family started scapegoating her father), so I could care for her without much reciprocation. And over the last ten years, as she's healed, I've learned to address my issues one by one to the point where I'm now on neutral ground emotionally. I can share and enjoy what I have with her, but we both lack the skills to go beyond the two of us. > Deep inside I just see other humans as potential attack vectors. This is the problem. All human interaction is built on trust, empathy, and authenticity. Without being able to make progress there, no lasting connection can be achieved. Because trust is so fundamental to being human, I see the entire effort to establish zero-trust anything as a fundamentally misguided and doomed-to-failure activity. If you want to change your point of view you'd need to overcome trust issues and the easiest way of doing that is by identifying and coming to terms with the source of your trust issues. Brute forcing it as I did (with my wife) was the emotional version of repeatedly getting full-body road rash over and over again (for both of us).
      - lordfrito 4y ago
        Glad to hear. Sometimes a little luck is all it takes. I've read luck is just opportunity + preparedness. I don't have real control of opportunities, but I have agency to work on being prepared to identify and take advantage of them when they come along. At this phase in life, I've solved all my material problems, so I have plenty of free time, means, and energy that I can dedicate to solving this last big problem. Right now I'm dealing with the colossal amount of narcissistic selfishness that the average single adult in this country possesses. Attractive single woman at my age appear highly correlated with systemic selfish behavior and using people as a means to an end. Making it even harder is the material success I've found personally, it's like a magnet for every gold digger out there. Hard to develop trust in an environment full of people you shouldn't trust. I am regularly approached by women online looking for a sugar relationship. When did using people become this normalized? At least I've solved that one, I know it's not me any longer! That said, any advice on finding decent people to even try with?

lordfrito 4y ago

Interesting. Nearly all of the entrepreneurial / keep-trying successful people in my life have a common experience of overcoming childhood trauma. It's a very formative force and leads to an endless drive to improve things. "Bad times breed good men" kind of thing. edit: I wouldn't wish it on anyone! People who have experienced trauma become hyper vigilant. That skill, combined with a scientific/engineering mindset, gives you deep insight into finding the roots of problems, and the drive to find solutions, and motivation to apply them. I've found its my superpower (when applied correctly). It takes a lot of introspection. And critical thinking skills. Which is why I guess that's why so many parents bemoan the loss of critical thinking skills. The digital era does not encourage kids to think. It encourages them to ask a the internet for a solution (google / peers on social media). If the solution doesn't work out it's easy not to blame yourself, but rather the "system". When your drive is to label yourself correctly to fit in, it makes it easy to avoid having to critically think about the "why" behind your choices. Focusing on identity is a new ruling priesthood of sorts: you must not question the teaching, and should get angry at those who don't share your faith.

solarmist 4y ago
Yes, the term I think you're looking for here is self-efficacy. "This is my problem, so I need to find a way through or around it, with or without help." See, I had the opposite problem. I was hyper-vigilant AND hyper-independent, so I failed to develop my skills to connect with others. I have repeatedly reached the limits of my ability to do things independently. And the first step there was to overcome my childhood trauma (emotional neglect, which left me woefully underdeveloped in my ability to feel or understand emotions, and trust issues) which prevented me from trusting or being able to accept help from others. I could help others but couldn't accept help from others, so I was always overloaded and cut off, so people didn't even know or realize I was struggling. I'm now trying to learn how to build a network and go beyond what I can accomplish alone. This is a huge challenge in itself.
- lordfrito 4y ago
  Same problem. My main problem now isn't the trauma, but the fact I've been very successful on my own without help for so long. Essentially every time I got let down, I doubled down on independence and worked harder. And it kept working. Now I'm 51 and well established so I don't need anyone to provide anything, probably for the rest of my life. What I never found along the way are the skills to share, let alone enjoy, what I've built with someone else. Deep inside I just see other humans as potential attack vectors. But I keep trying! The remaining parts should be easier, I hope. Thanks for the chat. And best of luck to your journey as well.
  - solarmist 4y ago
    I got lucky here. My wife was emotionally broken when I met her (her mom died from cancer in HS, and then her family started scapegoating her father), so I could care for her without much reciprocation. And over the last ten years, as she's healed, I've learned to address my issues one by one to the point where I'm now on neutral ground emotionally. I can share and enjoy what I have with her, but we both lack the skills to go beyond the two of us. > Deep inside I just see other humans as potential attack vectors. This is the problem. All human interaction is built on trust, empathy, and authenticity. Without being able to make progress there, no lasting connection can be achieved. Because trust is so fundamental to being human, I see the entire effort to establish zero-trust anything as a fundamentally misguided and doomed-to-failure activity. If you want to change your point of view you'd need to overcome trust issues and the easiest way of doing that is by identifying and coming to terms with the source of your trust issues. Brute forcing it as I did (with my wife) was the emotional version of repeatedly getting full-body road rash over and over again (for both of us).
    - lordfrito 4y ago
      Glad to hear. Sometimes a little luck is all it takes. I've read luck is just opportunity + preparedness. I don't have real control of opportunities, but I have agency to work on being prepared to identify and take advantage of them when they come along. At this phase in life, I've solved all my material problems, so I have plenty of free time, means, and energy that I can dedicate to solving this last big problem. Right now I'm dealing with the colossal amount of narcissistic selfishness that the average single adult in this country possesses. Attractive single woman at my age appear highly correlated with systemic selfish behavior and using people as a means to an end. Making it even harder is the material success I've found personally, it's like a magnet for every gold digger out there. Hard to develop trust in an environment full of people you shouldn't trust. I am regularly approached by women online looking for a sugar relationship. When did using people become this normalized? At least I've solved that one, I know it's not me any longer! That said, any advice on finding decent people to even try with?