Using paper to clean the anus is not only wasteful, it's unpleasant and ineffective. The universal solvent is clearly the superior option for this daily task.

Using paper to clean the anus is not only wasteful, it's unpleasant and ineffective. The universal solvent is clearly the superior option for this daily task. As nice a thing as it is, it doesn't take a $400 bidet to wash your ass with water. Use your imagination. You can even do it in the woods, like a bear with a water bottle. And if you insist on using paper, I humbly recommend the delicate tissues of the Christian Bible, which should be a fine alternative to such old darlings of western bathroom culture as the Sears, Roebuck and Co. catalog, and are available for free all over the damned place.