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> Why not just be honest about what you want? I've encountered two significant reasons: 1) You don't know what you want 2) What you want is not kosher in you

> Why not just be honest about what you want? I've encountered two significant reasons: 1) You don't know what you want 2) What you want is not kosher in your culture so you'll settle for eating dirt

alexvoda 4y ago
To expand on 1, it does not have to mean that one has not thought about the subject. It can also mean that one has thought about the subject in depth but has either reached a dead end or has reached a undesirable answer. Since this is about kids, plenty of people would desire having children from an emotional POV, yet would find it a bad choice for various rational reasons. Such people are in a deadlock and to an outsider would appear as not know what they want.
itsthejb 4y ago
3. Some amount of people don’t want to feel like the dating process is an interview process, of attempting to insert a “bum” into a “seat”, of finding a “candidate” to fill a “role”. Of course that doesn’t stop it from still _being that_, it’s just that some people are fully comfortable with an upfront, obvious and formal selection process, but many people are not, and want the process to have some amount of an “organic” feel to it. As with anything with dating, since you have no idea of what a new person’s criteria is, and they may not know either, and since there’s often a certain poker game involved in revealing those intentions, most people seem to opt for feeling it out as they go along. Honestly I think this is fine, it’s just that you have to give each other enough time and space for that, and that’s often a problem
- em-bee 4y ago
  it depends how we meet. if i meet someone through a dating site or some other matchmaking process, i would want to known soon whether we have similar goals in life. and if the goals line up we can go deeper and explore our relationship. if not, we can keep looking for someone else. but i actually feel that dating itself is not a good approach to find a partner. it is an artificial situation disconnected from your normal life. it would be better to be able to pick your partner from among your friends, and then spending time with that friend and others as you get to know each other more. many qualities, interests and goals will naturally reveal themselves and common interests and goals will cause you to spend more time together. dating makes this difficult because you are switching from relaxed activities with friends to a very formal meeting with high expectations where not getting invited for a second date counts as a failure without much hope for another chance.

> Why not just be honest about what you want? I've encountered two significant reasons: 1) You don't know what you want 2) What you want is not kosher in your culture so you'll settle for eating dirt

alexvoda 4y ago

To expand on 1, it does not have to mean that one has not thought about the subject. It can also mean that one has thought about the subject in depth but has either reached a dead end or has reached a undesirable answer. Since this is about kids, plenty of people would desire having children from an emotional POV, yet would find it a bad choice for various rational reasons. Such people are in a deadlock and to an outsider would appear as not know what they want.

itsthejb 4y ago

3. Some amount of people don’t want to feel like the dating process is an interview process, of attempting to insert a “bum” into a “seat”, of finding a “candidate” to fill a “role”. Of course that doesn’t stop it from still _being that_, it’s just that some people are fully comfortable with an upfront, obvious and formal selection process, but many people are not, and want the process to have some amount of an “organic” feel to it. As with anything with dating, since you have no idea of what a new person’s criteria is, and they may not know either, and since there’s often a certain poker game involved in revealing those intentions, most people seem to opt for feeling it out as they go along. Honestly I think this is fine, it’s just that you have to give each other enough time and space for that, and that’s often a problem

em-bee 4y ago
it depends how we meet. if i meet someone through a dating site or some other matchmaking process, i would want to known soon whether we have similar goals in life. and if the goals line up we can go deeper and explore our relationship. if not, we can keep looking for someone else. but i actually feel that dating itself is not a good approach to find a partner. it is an artificial situation disconnected from your normal life. it would be better to be able to pick your partner from among your friends, and then spending time with that friend and others as you get to know each other more. many qualities, interests and goals will naturally reveal themselves and common interests and goals will cause you to spend more time together. dating makes this difficult because you are switching from relaxed activities with friends to a very formal meeting with high expectations where not getting invited for a second date counts as a failure without much hope for another chance.