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> just be yourself Unless you suffer from schizofrenia, you can't not be yourself. I am sure you mean well but this often repeated piece of advice is meaningle

by 4ad 4y ago

> just be yourself Unless you suffer from schizofrenia, you can't not be yourself. I am sure you mean well but this often repeated piece of advice is meaningless.

simonh 4y ago
It’s quite common for people in dating situations to try and second guess what good dating behaviour would be. They try to project a character or personality that they think will be attractive, rather than behaving as they normally would around friends or family. Also they might answer questions disingenuously in order to project a false image of themselves. The advice to just be yourself is really just saying, don’t do that. Be more honest.
- 4ad 4y ago
  Those people are just being themselves. What are you are suggesting them to do is precisely doing something else than what they naturally do. There are people naturally good at social interactions and people who are bad at it. People who are good look at the ones who aren't and see them doing dumb, self-sabotaging mistakes that _they_ wouldn't do. The successful wouldn't act that way so they recommend the lesser fortunate to "just be themselves" assuming that everybody acts the same in their natural state, while in reality they should be recommending "just act like me". The people bad at social interactions already act like themselves, by definition, and any sort of actionable advice that would improve their situation literally means to act less like oneself and more like someone else.
  - simonh 4y ago
    > Those people are just being themselves. That’s technically true but in practice useless. Nobody knows how to do almost anything ‘naturally’ in the sense you’re using the word because we have learned to do practically everything. Yes I know there’s nature versus nurture, and innate nature is a thing, but in practice our social interactions are very largely learned. Do you think it’s possible for people to learn and change? What you are arguing is that what that person learned up until then is the real ‘natural’ them and anything they learn after is somehow unnatural. Do I even need to take that line of reasoning any further?
    - 4ad 4y ago
      > Do you think it’s possible for people to learn and change? Yes, if they get actionable advice, which they can understand and follow, which "just be yourself" is not an example of. It's not just useless advice, it's wrong, showing a fundamental misunderstanding by the advisor of what the problem with the advised person is. It's not only frustrating, but it causes the advised person to dismiss any further advice from the advisor.
      - simonh 4y ago
        I think by itself you're right, it's ambiguous and dismissive. I think the basic idea behind it, trying to be more relaxed and comfortable in that situation to express more of your genuine personality than a special behaviour you adopt for dating situations, is on the right track though.

by 4ad 4y ago

> just be yourself Unless you suffer from schizofrenia, you can't not be yourself. I am sure you mean well but this often repeated piece of advice is meaningless.

simonh 4y ago

It’s quite common for people in dating situations to try and second guess what good dating behaviour would be. They try to project a character or personality that they think will be attractive, rather than behaving as they normally would around friends or family. Also they might answer questions disingenuously in order to project a false image of themselves. The advice to just be yourself is really just saying, don’t do that. Be more honest.

4ad 4y ago
Those people are just being themselves. What are you are suggesting them to do is precisely doing something else than what they naturally do. There are people naturally good at social interactions and people who are bad at it. People who are good look at the ones who aren't and see them doing dumb, self-sabotaging mistakes that _they_ wouldn't do. The successful wouldn't act that way so they recommend the lesser fortunate to "just be themselves" assuming that everybody acts the same in their natural state, while in reality they should be recommending "just act like me". The people bad at social interactions already act like themselves, by definition, and any sort of actionable advice that would improve their situation literally means to act less like oneself and more like someone else.
- simonh 4y ago
  > Those people are just being themselves. That’s technically true but in practice useless. Nobody knows how to do almost anything ‘naturally’ in the sense you’re using the word because we have learned to do practically everything. Yes I know there’s nature versus nurture, and innate nature is a thing, but in practice our social interactions are very largely learned. Do you think it’s possible for people to learn and change? What you are arguing is that what that person learned up until then is the real ‘natural’ them and anything they learn after is somehow unnatural. Do I even need to take that line of reasoning any further?
  - 4ad 4y ago
    > Do you think it’s possible for people to learn and change? Yes, if they get actionable advice, which they can understand and follow, which "just be yourself" is not an example of. It's not just useless advice, it's wrong, showing a fundamental misunderstanding by the advisor of what the problem with the advised person is. It's not only frustrating, but it causes the advised person to dismiss any further advice from the advisor.
    - simonh 4y ago
      I think by itself you're right, it's ambiguous and dismissive. I think the basic idea behind it, trying to be more relaxed and comfortable in that situation to express more of your genuine personality than a special behaviour you adopt for dating situations, is on the right track though.