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I just upvoted this, and thought about posting something similar myself. I am right now buying "how to talk about sex" books for my 11 year old son. My wife

by ttcbj 4y ago

I just upvoted this, and thought about posting something similar myself. I am right now buying "how to talk about sex" books for my 11 year old son. My wife and I are super sex positive. But I look on Pornhub, and the idea that that might be my children's first impression of sex makes me sad. Its fine for adults, but not good for forming accurate impressions of how to connect with another human being. My favorite book so far, by far, has been "The Hush Factor" by Karen Rayne. It has almost nothing about sex itself, its almost all about communicating with emerging adults (it would really be good for anyone who has a teenager). But its key thesis is that you are trying to help your children develop the capacity to have healthy sexual relationships. I think the people downvoting this comment probably don't have kids this age (if you do, I'd be curious to hear your perspective). But I love my kids, and I care about all the kids that age and hope they will find good, healthy partners to sleep with eventually. Even as someone who is quite tech savvy, it’s difficult to control access to this kind of material. This specific effort may be heavy handed, but there is a problem here that I believe is real and deserves attention.

TheFreim 4y ago
> But I look on Pornhub, and the idea that that might be my children's first impression of sex makes me sad. Its fine for adults, but not good for forming accurate impressions of how to connect with another human being. I was exposed to hardcore pornography by friends at a young age. It's done incredible damage and has warped my perception of the opposite sex, it's taken years of active effort to combat it. I know many people in a similar situation. Having continued to attempt to quit addictive pornography the effects are real, being off of what I describe as a drug for a long period of time I can consciously identify changes in my perceptions of people. This doesn't get talked about enough, so much harm is being done.
stirfish 4y ago
It can be a pretty quick talk, if you contextualize porn as a movie. Real people don't have sex the way the characters do in porn, just like they don't drive like the characters in action movies.
- ttcbj 4y ago
  Thanks, this is actually very useful, and I will almost certainly use it. But, I still think there are real issues here, regarding empowering parents to guide their children to appropriate resources and away from resources they view as negative (it’s not just sex, either, it’s stuff on YouTube as well). The tools just aren’t that good. One thing I’d really like on YouTube is the ability to accept YouTube’s default recommendations, but then whitelist/blacklist additional channels at my discretion. Currently it’s YouTube’s recommendations, or curate everything yourself, making the latter really hard.
  - stirfish 4y ago
    You won't be able to curate everything forever, so in the long run it's easier to get them asking questions (and to ask them questions) about what they're watching. They'll quickly be able to tell what's trash media on their own. Advertisements were a big problem in our house at first. Every toy was enticing, but the fast cuts and up-tempo music made them look more fun to play with than they actually were. Have you tried asking them about motivation? Like, those YouTube channels you don't want them to watch were made deliberately, but for what purpose? Making something forbidden doesn't make it any less misleading, you know? It's the ability to question it that takes away that power.
timeon 4y ago
I'm not arguing for online porn here so do not take it as some form of whataboutism. I just wonder if such young kid should have unrestricted access to internet at all. Apart from sites like 4chan even random influencer can create unhealthy perspective on life.

by ttcbj 4y ago

TheFreim 4y ago

> But I look on Pornhub, and the idea that that might be my children's first impression of sex makes me sad. Its fine for adults, but not good for forming accurate impressions of how to connect with another human being. I was exposed to hardcore pornography by friends at a young age. It's done incredible damage and has warped my perception of the opposite sex, it's taken years of active effort to combat it. I know many people in a similar situation. Having continued to attempt to quit addictive pornography the effects are real, being off of what I describe as a drug for a long period of time I can consciously identify changes in my perceptions of people. This doesn't get talked about enough, so much harm is being done.

stirfish 4y ago

It can be a pretty quick talk, if you contextualize porn as a movie. Real people don't have sex the way the characters do in porn, just like they don't drive like the characters in action movies.

ttcbj 4y ago
Thanks, this is actually very useful, and I will almost certainly use it. But, I still think there are real issues here, regarding empowering parents to guide their children to appropriate resources and away from resources they view as negative (it’s not just sex, either, it’s stuff on YouTube as well). The tools just aren’t that good. One thing I’d really like on YouTube is the ability to accept YouTube’s default recommendations, but then whitelist/blacklist additional channels at my discretion. Currently it’s YouTube’s recommendations, or curate everything yourself, making the latter really hard.
- stirfish 4y ago
  You won't be able to curate everything forever, so in the long run it's easier to get them asking questions (and to ask them questions) about what they're watching. They'll quickly be able to tell what's trash media on their own. Advertisements were a big problem in our house at first. Every toy was enticing, but the fast cuts and up-tempo music made them look more fun to play with than they actually were. Have you tried asking them about motivation? Like, those YouTube channels you don't want them to watch were made deliberately, but for what purpose? Making something forbidden doesn't make it any less misleading, you know? It's the ability to question it that takes away that power.

timeon 4y ago

I'm not arguing for online porn here so do not take it as some form of whataboutism. I just wonder if such young kid should have unrestricted access to internet at all. Apart from sites like 4chan even random influencer can create unhealthy perspective on life.