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My partner and I recently had our second child. The biggest difference we noticed is related to our better acceptance of that child’s needs. With the first one,

My partner and I recently had our second child. The biggest difference we noticed is related to our better acceptance of that child’s needs. With the first one, we always tried to look for signs of autonomy, much too early. Everything is more peaceful when we accept to let go. I’m not fixing things in the house. Every thing I give up is a liberation. Being a father more or less makes up for the self image forced and embraced update.

pmarreck 4y ago
Yes, I already am letting go of a lot (I can't, for example, remember the last time I got my car washed), but my partner continues to take on time-ful or effort-ful things that I consider "expendably unnecessary" (such as at least half of the cleaning/sanitizing she does- despite me emphasizing that the Hygiene Hypothesis is probably real) and is stressing both of us out anyway. My office is a mess that has needed cleaning for over a year. Etc. We probably won't be having (or able to have) a second child (not to mention that time and energy for the basic biological prerequisites here are non-existent, I have no friggin idea how other parents have a second so soon after the first) but we are probably making the mistake(s) you mentioned about your first one.
- coffeebeqn 4y ago
  We had a second fairly soon after but we were in our early-mid 30s. By 50 your natural energy levels are probably much lower already. It can be grueling but they get easier in my mind every day. At 4 years old my older kid is quite independent and funny. I can just ask her to play and have a snack and go to the bathroom while I clean my office or whatever. Daycare also means you will have actual alone time. But it is best to accept that you are a parent first now. Not an introvert, engineer, whatever other nonsense you thought you were. You’ll have more time to yourself eventually but the first two years are tough!
  - pmarreck 4y ago
    > whatever other nonsense you thought you were hah, oh man. If you only knew how (and how hard) I've tried to shove certain labels off me, only to have them almost karmically boomerang back to me, to the point where I practically screamed back to whatever powers-that-may-be, "OK, I'LL F***ING BE A CODER!" =) (Computers and I were as much an intellectual version of "love at first sight" as can be imagined. But, like many loves, it was also burdensome for a time.) But I will accept this ADDITIONAL first-order label of "Dad" ;)

pmarreck 4y ago

Yes, I already am letting go of a lot (I can't, for example, remember the last time I got my car washed), but my partner continues to take on time-ful or effort-ful things that I consider "expendably unnecessary" (such as at least half of the cleaning/sanitizing she does- despite me emphasizing that the Hygiene Hypothesis is probably real) and is stressing both of us out anyway. My office is a mess that has needed cleaning for over a year. Etc. We probably won't be having (or able to have) a second child (not to mention that time and energy for the basic biological prerequisites here are non-existent, I have no friggin idea how other parents have a second so soon after the first) but we are probably making the mistake(s) you mentioned about your first one.

coffeebeqn 4y ago
We had a second fairly soon after but we were in our early-mid 30s. By 50 your natural energy levels are probably much lower already. It can be grueling but they get easier in my mind every day. At 4 years old my older kid is quite independent and funny. I can just ask her to play and have a snack and go to the bathroom while I clean my office or whatever. Daycare also means you will have actual alone time. But it is best to accept that you are a parent first now. Not an introvert, engineer, whatever other nonsense you thought you were. You’ll have more time to yourself eventually but the first two years are tough!
- pmarreck 4y ago
  > whatever other nonsense you thought you were hah, oh man. If you only knew how (and how hard) I've tried to shove certain labels off me, only to have them almost karmically boomerang back to me, to the point where I practically screamed back to whatever powers-that-may-be, "OK, I'LL F***ING BE A CODER!" =) (Computers and I were as much an intellectual version of "love at first sight" as can be imagined. But, like many loves, it was also burdensome for a time.) But I will accept this ADDITIONAL first-order label of "Dad" ;)