4 ms·

I've struggled with depression and anxiety issues for most of my life. Two things have made a huge difference for me: Actually identifying with my body and tak

by niom 4y ago

I've struggled with depression and anxiety issues for most of my life. Two things have made a huge difference for me: Actually identifying with my body and taking care of me (it). That's the diet, sleep, exercise combo driven by a positive body image I identify with. The by far worst years of my life (so far) were when I clung to some kind of cyberpunky mind-body dualism and treated my body as a bag of meat whose only purpose is to supply oxygen to the brain in front of a computer. Self-acceptance. For some people this is a given, seemingly achieved without any conscious thought at all, and I'm quite envious of those people. For others this takes decades or they repress until the bitter end (suicide in one way or another). Therapy might be helpful and seems to be the default advice for questions like these. I've been sent to a handful of psychologist appointments due to anger issues in elementary school (don't recall any of that). I tried to get mental health help around a decade ago, only got some pills that made me feel even worse (adverse effects: suicide) and couldn't get a follow-up appointment. Real therapy is hard to access because the health system intentionally keeps capacity low (it's expensive). Basically only for people unable to work any more due to mental health issues, not for people that have quality-of-life issues. The US seems to be on the other end of the spectrum from my country in this regard.

niom 4y ago
Figuring I can be a bit more open since it's a throwaway account (edit - this kinda escalated) I lost eighty pounds in a year with that body image "trick", but that's only half the story at best. That's what I desired, but it wouldn't have been enough motivation. And if you have a severe mismatch between your body image and your body that's not going to cause good vibes, will it? So I don't know how depression manifests for others. For me it has usually taken the shape of a particular mean intonation in my inner monologue (I don't have or hear separate voices let alone characters, I'm not a schizo). When my depression gets worse, that part of my inner monologue gets more frequent and nasty, like incredibly nasty in ways I haven't ever even thought about being to anyone in my entire life, ever, not even close. I've literally never told anyone about this and tearing up a bit now. I'm kinda at a loss how to describe it. Calling it "mean spirited" would be the most British understatement in the last few ten-thousand years. When I had really bad days it felt like "it" just wanted to destroy me, like total annihilation until nothing was left and then discard (suicide) the empty husk. Thinking about this makes me wonder how I survived those days. I'd guess without binge-watching some series and binging some video games I might actually be dead now. Not such a waste of time after all, I suppose... So uh I don't know how exactly I've done it. And even if I knew, I wouldn't tell because it's just such an obviously bad idea. I don't think it was a conscious choice, because even to a very depressed person it would've been obvious how insane doing that would be. But what I did was I weaponized that part of me, the depression, into helping me loose weight. When I went hungry during a day or wanted to eat more, and obviously if you loose that much weight that quickly you're going to pretty often, ... I "let" that mean part speak up and be nasty and ugly and mean to me as much as "it" wanted to. People thought I was "soooo strong-willed" doing this but that's really not true. I just bullied myself into doing it. Every day. Sure... I had a positive idea that I wanted to achieve, but that wasn't how I got there. It's probably an incredibly bad idea to do it like this and a super easy way to end up with an eating disorder or more mental health issues, but at least depression was finally good for something. And it's way better now that I don't loathe and hate what I see in the mirror any more. I can look in a mirror now and say "you look fine today" to myself. And when I put nice clothes on, because I have some of those now, even with colors, I think I look good and I've even got a few compliments and guess how often that happened in the last decade before. I didn't know that had to get out. But well. There you have it. Does "co-opting depression to rain fire and brimstone on yourself so you stop being fat so you stop being depressed so much" count as "working on your mental health"?
- lgvld 4y ago
  Wow, very interesting, thank you for writing all this. Hope you’re more at peace today. Human mind is complex and can be so fucked up.

by niom 4y ago

niom 4y ago

Figuring I can be a bit more open since it's a throwaway account (edit - this kinda escalated) I lost eighty pounds in a year with that body image "trick", but that's only half the story at best. That's what I desired, but it wouldn't have been enough motivation. And if you have a severe mismatch between your body image and your body that's not going to cause good vibes, will it? So I don't know how depression manifests for others. For me it has usually taken the shape of a particular mean intonation in my inner monologue (I don't have or hear separate voices let alone characters, I'm not a schizo). When my depression gets worse, that part of my inner monologue gets more frequent and nasty, like incredibly nasty in ways I haven't ever even thought about being to anyone in my entire life, ever, not even close. I've literally never told anyone about this and tearing up a bit now. I'm kinda at a loss how to describe it. Calling it "mean spirited" would be the most British understatement in the last few ten-thousand years. When I had really bad days it felt like "it" just wanted to destroy me, like total annihilation until nothing was left and then discard (suicide) the empty husk. Thinking about this makes me wonder how I survived those days. I'd guess without binge-watching some series and binging some video games I might actually be dead now. Not such a waste of time after all, I suppose... So uh I don't know how exactly I've done it. And even if I knew, I wouldn't tell because it's just such an obviously bad idea. I don't think it was a conscious choice, because even to a very depressed person it would've been obvious how insane doing that would be. But what I did was I weaponized that part of me, the depression, into helping me loose weight. When I went hungry during a day or wanted to eat more, and obviously if you loose that much weight that quickly you're going to pretty often, ... I "let" that mean part speak up and be nasty and ugly and mean to me as much as "it" wanted to. People thought I was "soooo strong-willed" doing this but that's really not true. I just bullied myself into doing it. Every day. Sure... I had a positive idea that I wanted to achieve, but that wasn't how I got there. It's probably an incredibly bad idea to do it like this and a super easy way to end up with an eating disorder or more mental health issues, but at least depression was finally good for something. And it's way better now that I don't loathe and hate what I see in the mirror any more. I can look in a mirror now and say "you look fine today" to myself. And when I put nice clothes on, because I have some of those now, even with colors, I think I look good and I've even got a few compliments and guess how often that happened in the last decade before. I didn't know that had to get out. But well. There you have it. Does "co-opting depression to rain fire and brimstone on yourself so you stop being fat so you stop being depressed so much" count as "working on your mental health"?

lgvld 4y ago
Wow, very interesting, thank you for writing all this. Hope you’re more at peace today. Human mind is complex and can be so fucked up.