5 ms·

I don't care to be in rooms I am not welcomed in. Blurting things out when I have something to say is part of my character. If other people have so much of an i

I don't care to be in rooms I am not welcomed in. Blurting things out when I have something to say is part of my character. If other people have so much of an issue with me having this characteristic, then they are perfectly free to ask me to leave. Until then, I feel perfectly free to speak my mind, and I do not accept strangers socially policing me. Why should I? They're the ones who have an issue, not me. Both styles are acceptable, but don't let others tell you what the room reads. You are an adult, and perfectly capable of choosing for yourself what is appropriate communication. Whether you're someone who is naturally withdrawn or not makes no difference, you should always be able to feel comfortable being yourself. If you can't, your number one goal should be to permanently remove yourself from whichever situations restricts you from that, whatever way you can while maintaining your integrity. Don't let others scare you into thinking you'll never make it work, cause you absolutely will. Where there's a will there's a way, and I don't know a single person who moved out of home, for example, then regretted it but ended up homeless because they cut ties. I'm sure you can find me an example or two, but in the vast majority of cases, the people who are the worst off in society are those who relied on someone who was toxic for them, not those who cut ties and failed to adequately provide for themselves. Your body is capable of more than you know, and will even naturally prioritise things for you in the way they should be. Modern society allows you to be an individual at the cost of the community we used to have. That sucks, but as a hacker, you should accept things as they are, and take advantage of what you can in the broken systems that surround us. Even in your own life. Things are what they are, and you can feel about them however you want to. The only way to make them different is to use what's in front of you.

bittercynic 4y ago
I appreciate the "This is how I am, take it or leave it." attitude, and vaguely recall a Buddhist teaching relating to cultivating a self that can be consistent across different situations. I like it. However, your version seems a little extreme. The article may seem to articulate the other extreme - like you should always contort yourself into the shape that others want, but I don't think the author was suggesting that. Seemed to me they were just pointing out that conversations are most fun when both/all parties take an interest in each other, and it's nice when someone takes a genuine interest in what you're talking about, so let's do that for each other.
- CPLX 4y ago
  Another Buddhist teaching is to learn how to free oneself from attachment and to be egoless. The poster is clearly believes that there is something intrinsic and essential to their one personality that involves how they interrupt people, rather than realizing it is simply a choice they have made that has effects and consequences like any other choice. They want and expect those consequences to be different than they are and they are anchored in that delusion.
  - AngriestLettuce 4y ago
    Which is exactly why Buddhism is for losers. No one wants to be the Dalai Lama. If standing by helplessly as others dominate you is supposed to be the highest example of holiness, then it is quite simply rotten. It got closer than the Abrahamic religions because it teaches you to accept what you can't change, but it teaches this at the cost of giving up the will to change the things you want to change that DO bother you. Of course the things I do are a choice. Everything is. I chose to restrain myself for a good 10-11 years and it was utterly miserable. Why would I desire relationships I do not need on the condition that I do what I do not want? Makes no sense. I don't expect anything from anyone aside from treating me with the same respect I treat them. If I am not welcome somewhere, I have no problem leaving. Being myself alone is far preferable to being someone else with a bunch of people who will never be closer than acquaintances.
    - DontchaKnowit 4y ago
      Ive never understppd people who interrupt sp can I ask - if you interrupt someone and they then interupt you and say "shut up and let me finish" is this offensive to you or do you consider it a normal event in the course of a convo? I tend not to do this just to keep the peace, but It absolutely infuriates me when im interrupted and id love to be able to just re-interrupt people
    - CPLX 4y ago
      As I am sure you are already aware in moments of clarity, your fear of being evaluated and rejected by others is so severe that you’ve made the choice to engage in behaviors that ensue it will happen, thus at least giving yourself a feeling of agency and control over that process. Perhaps you will come to terms with this in time to live some portion of your life with a different approach.
barrkel 4y ago
Honestly, that first paragraph sounds like a self-justification for not improving one's social skills. By choosing to make it part of your identity, learning to improve would be self erasure. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TPxD4Cpfmys https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TPxD4Cpfmys
- AngriestLettuce 4y ago
  What skills need improvement? I am 100% aware of when it is safe to interrupt and when it is not. People have different thresholds for what they consider acceptable, and there's a whole bunch of social factors to it, like in every situation. All I've come to realise is that I don't need to let anyone I'm not close to police me. It's nonsensical. If I am breaking no laws, and simply sating my desires, then what business is it of a stranger what I do? What do I care if it makes them feel bad? While I am a generous person, it's important to remember that offense is taken, not given. The only people who actually feel bad about someone who's interesting enough to capture the spotlight keeping it on, are those who feel so insecure in themselves and their own accomplishments, they are unable to let others have theirs. I understand that, and I sympathise. That's why I used to go along with what I was told. I too thought that was the right thing to do. In my experience, I have had more positive social interactions in the past ~3 months I've been speaking my mind than the past 8 years I've lived as a "proper person" in this city. My strategy is improving my social success, not decreasing it. I simply do not accept the assertion that it is better to be reticent than assertive. It does not fit with what I've observed about who seems happy with their lives, and who feels helpless, anxious, and weak.
opdahl 4y ago
Where are you from? The reason I am asking that is I have noticed this behavior is seen as common in America, but if you go to e.g Scandinavia you will be seen as extremely rude. The perceived rudeness will come from the other people thinking that you are «taking all the space» and not giving other people the opportunity to talk. It is more common to take turns while speaking and self regulating, instead of people talking over each other and interrupting. I hope for your sake that when you are traveling you try to adjust to the social norms there instead of forcing your more space-taking style onto other people.
- AngriestLettuce 4y ago
  I am from Norway. I know all about the importance of perservering in the face of social pressure precisely because of that. I know who I am, and I know what makes me happy. Being "proper" is not that. I know full well this trait of mine is off-putting to people when they initially meet me, but trying to be someone I'm not makes both of us even more uncomfortable. After I broke bad during childhood due to emotional neglect, my mother reacted by buying me things and letting me mostly do what I wanted with my days in order to shut me up, and so I did. I raised myself on the internet and I know it inside out. At 15 we moved, and I decided I was going to try to be a "real" adult from now on. That was when the REAL problems started. Hell truly is other people. Attempting to contort yourself into some strange dependencies you're somehow "supposed" to have on other people, and attachments you never formed is unnatural and painful, both for you and your victim. Though I did my best to grin and bear it, I was never happy. Though I easily accomplished anything I set out to do on the "proper" path, it brought me no joy. Today, I am a 26 year old engineer working in a truly innovative, economically sound startup, where I am well-respected and feel fully competent. It bores me to tears, and any attempts to force me into "standups" and "OKR"s makes me want to stand up and kms. Being "socially succesful" is no longer a goal of mine, because it's just straight up boring. People who restrain themselves from speaking their mind bore me, and people who attempt to restrain me from speaking mine infuriate me. If that philosophy means fewer people want to interact with me, I consider that a great success.
  - opdahl 4y ago

bittercynic 4y ago

I appreciate the "This is how I am, take it or leave it." attitude, and vaguely recall a Buddhist teaching relating to cultivating a self that can be consistent across different situations. I like it. However, your version seems a little extreme. The article may seem to articulate the other extreme - like you should always contort yourself into the shape that others want, but I don't think the author was suggesting that. Seemed to me they were just pointing out that conversations are most fun when both/all parties take an interest in each other, and it's nice when someone takes a genuine interest in what you're talking about, so let's do that for each other.

CPLX 4y ago
Another Buddhist teaching is to learn how to free oneself from attachment and to be egoless. The poster is clearly believes that there is something intrinsic and essential to their one personality that involves how they interrupt people, rather than realizing it is simply a choice they have made that has effects and consequences like any other choice. They want and expect those consequences to be different than they are and they are anchored in that delusion.
- AngriestLettuce 4y ago
  Which is exactly why Buddhism is for losers. No one wants to be the Dalai Lama. If standing by helplessly as others dominate you is supposed to be the highest example of holiness, then it is quite simply rotten. It got closer than the Abrahamic religions because it teaches you to accept what you can't change, but it teaches this at the cost of giving up the will to change the things you want to change that DO bother you. Of course the things I do are a choice. Everything is. I chose to restrain myself for a good 10-11 years and it was utterly miserable. Why would I desire relationships I do not need on the condition that I do what I do not want? Makes no sense. I don't expect anything from anyone aside from treating me with the same respect I treat them. If I am not welcome somewhere, I have no problem leaving. Being myself alone is far preferable to being someone else with a bunch of people who will never be closer than acquaintances.
  - DontchaKnowit 4y ago
    Ive never understppd people who interrupt sp can I ask - if you interrupt someone and they then interupt you and say "shut up and let me finish" is this offensive to you or do you consider it a normal event in the course of a convo? I tend not to do this just to keep the peace, but It absolutely infuriates me when im interrupted and id love to be able to just re-interrupt people
  - CPLX 4y ago
    As I am sure you are already aware in moments of clarity, your fear of being evaluated and rejected by others is so severe that you’ve made the choice to engage in behaviors that ensue it will happen, thus at least giving yourself a feeling of agency and control over that process. Perhaps you will come to terms with this in time to live some portion of your life with a different approach.

barrkel 4y ago

Honestly, that first paragraph sounds like a self-justification for not improving one's social skills. By choosing to make it part of your identity, learning to improve would be self erasure. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TPxD4Cpfmys https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TPxD4Cpfmys

AngriestLettuce 4y ago
What skills need improvement? I am 100% aware of when it is safe to interrupt and when it is not. People have different thresholds for what they consider acceptable, and there's a whole bunch of social factors to it, like in every situation. All I've come to realise is that I don't need to let anyone I'm not close to police me. It's nonsensical. If I am breaking no laws, and simply sating my desires, then what business is it of a stranger what I do? What do I care if it makes them feel bad? While I am a generous person, it's important to remember that offense is taken, not given. The only people who actually feel bad about someone who's interesting enough to capture the spotlight keeping it on, are those who feel so insecure in themselves and their own accomplishments, they are unable to let others have theirs. I understand that, and I sympathise. That's why I used to go along with what I was told. I too thought that was the right thing to do. In my experience, I have had more positive social interactions in the past ~3 months I've been speaking my mind than the past 8 years I've lived as a "proper person" in this city. My strategy is improving my social success, not decreasing it. I simply do not accept the assertion that it is better to be reticent than assertive. It does not fit with what I've observed about who seems happy with their lives, and who feels helpless, anxious, and weak.

opdahl 4y ago

Where are you from? The reason I am asking that is I have noticed this behavior is seen as common in America, but if you go to e.g Scandinavia you will be seen as extremely rude. The perceived rudeness will come from the other people thinking that you are «taking all the space» and not giving other people the opportunity to talk. It is more common to take turns while speaking and self regulating, instead of people talking over each other and interrupting. I hope for your sake that when you are traveling you try to adjust to the social norms there instead of forcing your more space-taking style onto other people.

AngriestLettuce 4y ago
I am from Norway. I know all about the importance of perservering in the face of social pressure precisely because of that. I know who I am, and I know what makes me happy. Being "proper" is not that. I know full well this trait of mine is off-putting to people when they initially meet me, but trying to be someone I'm not makes both of us even more uncomfortable. After I broke bad during childhood due to emotional neglect, my mother reacted by buying me things and letting me mostly do what I wanted with my days in order to shut me up, and so I did. I raised myself on the internet and I know it inside out. At 15 we moved, and I decided I was going to try to be a "real" adult from now on. That was when the REAL problems started. Hell truly is other people. Attempting to contort yourself into some strange dependencies you're somehow "supposed" to have on other people, and attachments you never formed is unnatural and painful, both for you and your victim. Though I did my best to grin and bear it, I was never happy. Though I easily accomplished anything I set out to do on the "proper" path, it brought me no joy. Today, I am a 26 year old engineer working in a truly innovative, economically sound startup, where I am well-respected and feel fully competent. It bores me to tears, and any attempts to force me into "standups" and "OKR"s makes me want to stand up and kms. Being "socially succesful" is no longer a goal of mine, because it's just straight up boring. People who restrain themselves from speaking their mind bore me, and people who attempt to restrain me from speaking mine infuriate me. If that philosophy means fewer people want to interact with me, I consider that a great success.
- opdahl 4y ago