3 ms·

I had a very smothering mother. Someone a bit too much into parenting for her own emotional needs, rather than her children’s. So you can imagine independence w

I had a very smothering mother. Someone a bit too much into parenting for her own emotional needs, rather than her children’s. So you can imagine independence was subtly discouraged. At the same time my Father came from a traditionally wealthy family. While we were not wealthy, his family consisted of successful lawyers, doctors, and entrepreneurs. So there was a lot of pressure to choose a somewhat preordained path to success. A therapist encouraged me to focus on my own independence in young adulthood, including standing up and being more assertive with my parents. So I really blossomed much more in college choosing my own path away from my parents. All to say a lot of what happens is parents have kids for their own needs, and end up neglecting who their kids are and want to be. How much here is American cultural issue? How much is a problem in all cultures? Certainly you see other notably workaholic cultures really put this pressure on kids to succeed and focus on serving the older generation.

m3Lith 4y ago
I think it's universal. And not always in a consciously aware way. It seems natural to try to raise your kids the way you were raised (if that formed a good image in your head), or to try to do the complete opposite (if that left a bad image in your head). And both can go to very extremes. In my case (I'm from northern-eastern EU), my mom was very overprotective and over caring as well. With the years, I realized that, and was trying to "ignore" it as much as possible. However, she didn't really see my "ungratefulness", and was continuing all the same. Me being a shy kid, and having this level of care, had a big influence on my independence/self-confidence. I stayed at my parents until 28. This was last year. For the past year I was having angrier thoughts, bad thoughts sometimes. I finally mustered the courage and got my own place in another city. My mom was pretty sad with this, and was rather asking me to get a bigger house where we could live together more spaciously (we lived in a smallish flat). I thought she's joking, but she was not, she would even send me house listing ads. Anyways, this decision was the greatest thing so far in my life. I've been on my own for over a year now, learning the ropes of being a self-sustainable adult. I never miss my parents. I do visit them once a month for a few hours. Recently, I've talked with my mom about how her behavior was only pushing me away all these years. The good thing, I guess, is that she understood. We cried a bit together. Her reasoning was that she didn't have much attention as a kid - her mom was always working. So she tried to recoup that with her kids. I told that it's the opposite of what I needed, and now I feel very little emotions towards her. I guess I could've told that sooner too. But better now than never.
isthisthingon99 4y ago
Your therapist, I'm sorry, is an idiot. Your mother wasn't smothering for her own needs, she wanted to protect you. Your father didn't demand you go into a profession for his own satisfaction, he wanted to give you a good life. Therapists and therapy will be the undoing of the West.

m3Lith 4y ago

I think it's universal. And not always in a consciously aware way. It seems natural to try to raise your kids the way you were raised (if that formed a good image in your head), or to try to do the complete opposite (if that left a bad image in your head). And both can go to very extremes. In my case (I'm from northern-eastern EU), my mom was very overprotective and over caring as well. With the years, I realized that, and was trying to "ignore" it as much as possible. However, she didn't really see my "ungratefulness", and was continuing all the same. Me being a shy kid, and having this level of care, had a big influence on my independence/self-confidence. I stayed at my parents until 28. This was last year. For the past year I was having angrier thoughts, bad thoughts sometimes. I finally mustered the courage and got my own place in another city. My mom was pretty sad with this, and was rather asking me to get a bigger house where we could live together more spaciously (we lived in a smallish flat). I thought she's joking, but she was not, she would even send me house listing ads. Anyways, this decision was the greatest thing so far in my life. I've been on my own for over a year now, learning the ropes of being a self-sustainable adult. I never miss my parents. I do visit them once a month for a few hours. Recently, I've talked with my mom about how her behavior was only pushing me away all these years. The good thing, I guess, is that she understood. We cried a bit together. Her reasoning was that she didn't have much attention as a kid - her mom was always working. So she tried to recoup that with her kids. I told that it's the opposite of what I needed, and now I feel very little emotions towards her. I guess I could've told that sooner too. But better now than never.

isthisthingon99 4y ago

Your therapist, I'm sorry, is an idiot. Your mother wasn't smothering for her own needs, she wanted to protect you. Your father didn't demand you go into a profession for his own satisfaction, he wanted to give you a good life. Therapists and therapy will be the undoing of the West.