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I really like this, but to to add an alternate perspective: I’m skeptical of deathbed regrets, and regrets in general. I don’t think your present self actually

I really like this, but to to add an alternate perspective: I’m skeptical of deathbed regrets, and regrets in general. I don’t think your present self actually knows what your past self went through. We remember events but are bad at remembering emotions except in very broad, general ways. You might say “I wish I had spent more time with my kids and less time at work”. But you won’t remember the feeling of dissatisfaction you had with your home life and the pride you felt when you delivered on a difficult project. You could say “I wish I was more satisfied with my home life” but how much control do you have over that, really? I don’t remember where I heard this: “every person you see is fighting a battle that you know nothing about, so be kind, always”. I think we can extend that same kindness to ourselves.

jjeaff 4y ago
I'd say you have about as much control over your career trajectory as you do your home life (arguably more control over how your home life turns out). And I agree that memory is fickle and weird but I think there is a reason you so rarely hear someone say, they wished they had spent more time on their career rather than family. They recognize what brought/brings them happiness.
- digbybk 4y ago
  I suspect that a lot of deathbed regrets about not spending enough time with your kids is for the benefit of the kids. Who would say “I’m glad I didn’t spent all that much time with you and your siblings. Frankly. I had better things to do.” I’m not saying that you shouldn’t spend more time with your family. I’m saying that we should give our past selves the benefit of the doubt when it comes to their decision making, whatever your present self decides to do. It’s just an argument against regret.
  - ido 4y ago
    Not affirming or disproving anything you wrote, it just reminded me that my mother once told that in one of the last conversations she had with my grandmother, she told her she never really loved her as much as she loved my uncle (or maybe that she didn't really love her much at all, I don't remember exactly). She was eventually senile enough to be unable to talk towards the end of her life. I also found it interesting that my grandmother was extremely loving and caring to me. And my grandfather (who was ever less kind to my mother than my grandmother was) was very affectionate to his great-grandchildren (but not his grandchildren). Maybe they both regretted it near the end of their lives and tried to handle things differently with the younger generations? But yes, I agree- I would guess most people had more tact and empathy than my grandmother apparently had towards her daughter, and wouldn't say something like that even if it was true. And if they did many their kids wouldn't be too quick to recount the experience publicly?
rscho 4y ago
> the pride you felt when you delivered on a difficult project. Never felt that way. Which is why family always comes first for me.
- digbybk 4y ago
  I definitely don’t want to say that choosing family over work isn’t the optimal path to happiness. My point is that decisions are largely made on emotion, and we’re bad at remembering past emotion.
- testing404 4y ago
  Test
stackbutterflow 4y ago
More like you might say “I wish I had spent more time with my kids and less time at work” but you won't remember the anxiety of planning for the future. In hindsight you managed to saved enough for retirement but it didn't always looked that way when you were laid off for the second time in 4 years in the middle of an economic crisis. Your kids grew without life changing injuries but you didn't know that and you didn't have to battle a cancer. So at the twilight of your life you might say that you wish you hadn't worked overtime for that startup or spent your weekends on side projects but at the time you were worried about paying your rent or a dead-end career path and you had to try to work harder because you had no way of knowing things would turn out fine. And maybe they turned out fine because of your efforts. Hindsight is 20/20 and this is just as true for your future self judging your current self.

jjeaff 4y ago

I'd say you have about as much control over your career trajectory as you do your home life (arguably more control over how your home life turns out). And I agree that memory is fickle and weird but I think there is a reason you so rarely hear someone say, they wished they had spent more time on their career rather than family. They recognize what brought/brings them happiness.

digbybk 4y ago
I suspect that a lot of deathbed regrets about not spending enough time with your kids is for the benefit of the kids. Who would say “I’m glad I didn’t spent all that much time with you and your siblings. Frankly. I had better things to do.” I’m not saying that you shouldn’t spend more time with your family. I’m saying that we should give our past selves the benefit of the doubt when it comes to their decision making, whatever your present self decides to do. It’s just an argument against regret.
- ido 4y ago
  Not affirming or disproving anything you wrote, it just reminded me that my mother once told that in one of the last conversations she had with my grandmother, she told her she never really loved her as much as she loved my uncle (or maybe that she didn't really love her much at all, I don't remember exactly). She was eventually senile enough to be unable to talk towards the end of her life. I also found it interesting that my grandmother was extremely loving and caring to me. And my grandfather (who was ever less kind to my mother than my grandmother was) was very affectionate to his great-grandchildren (but not his grandchildren). Maybe they both regretted it near the end of their lives and tried to handle things differently with the younger generations? But yes, I agree- I would guess most people had more tact and empathy than my grandmother apparently had towards her daughter, and wouldn't say something like that even if it was true. And if they did many their kids wouldn't be too quick to recount the experience publicly?

rscho 4y ago

> the pride you felt when you delivered on a difficult project. Never felt that way. Which is why family always comes first for me.

digbybk 4y ago
I definitely don’t want to say that choosing family over work isn’t the optimal path to happiness. My point is that decisions are largely made on emotion, and we’re bad at remembering past emotion.
testing404 4y ago
Test

stackbutterflow 4y ago

More like you might say “I wish I had spent more time with my kids and less time at work” but you won't remember the anxiety of planning for the future. In hindsight you managed to saved enough for retirement but it didn't always looked that way when you were laid off for the second time in 4 years in the middle of an economic crisis. Your kids grew without life changing injuries but you didn't know that and you didn't have to battle a cancer. So at the twilight of your life you might say that you wish you hadn't worked overtime for that startup or spent your weekends on side projects but at the time you were worried about paying your rent or a dead-end career path and you had to try to work harder because you had no way of knowing things would turn out fine. And maybe they turned out fine because of your efforts. Hindsight is 20/20 and this is just as true for your future self judging your current self.