3 ms·

This is inevitably going to sound facetious but you can always move back. Give up some things, gain others. Isn't that what this essay's about? I'm 40. My pare

This is inevitably going to sound facetious but you can always move back. Give up some things, gain others. Isn't that what this essay's about? I'm 40. My parents are 75 and I recently moved back next door to them. I expect to be here until they die. Is it my favourite place to live? No. Best for my career? Couldn't be worse. But I see my folks every day. I see my childhood friends every week. I see as much of my family as I can stand - I bump into a random cousin on the daily. Do you value closeness to family above other things and would you like your daughter to value closeness to you when she grows up? Choices are here to be made.

r3trohack3r 4y ago
Not facetious at all. I call it "visiting Paris." A large number of people I grew up with "wanted to see the world." My younger self modeled a lot of my desired outcomes on people's externally stated desires. As I got older, I started realizing something: a lot of what people said they wanted was attainable for them and their socioeconomic status if they made different trade offs. So I started poking and offering advice on how they could "visit Paris." What I came to learn is that they wanted to be the kind of people that wanted to visit Paris. But they never would go to Paris. It was the idea they liked. I have well off family members who talk about wishing their son lived closer. They have the means to visit him. They're retired and live near an airport with direct flights, 3.5 hours door to door. But they never go. That's their Paris. I don't want to live in my hometown. I don't kid myself - I value raising my family here where I live more than the extra time with family. But, at the same time, when I go back I spend that time in a way maximally meaningful to me. I try not to have "going to Paris" wishes. I sacrifice protecting my ego from my own decisions but it makes me reconcile my decisions with my desires before reaching the state of irreversible regret.
- zemvpferreira 4y ago
  It's clear you've put a lot of thought into the tradeoff between these mutually exclusive wishes but I'd still encourage you to look for ways to spend more time with your folks. It's not all roses but it's been precious for me, personally.
dorchadas 4y ago
This is actually something that's been weighing on my mind heavily this holiday season, as I'm home in the first time for a year. It's...difficult for me. I love seeing my good friends and family, but there's also nothing in this town for me (apart from a job); it's in rural Kentucky, and there's nothing there to promote my interests (mainly academic) and good luck finding any long-term partners (I'm about as far from a Trump supporter as you can get). But, I truly miss seeing my family and friends regularly, more than I realised. It's a tough decision, and one I'll probably actually discuss with my friends on our annual New Years trip.
- babyoil 4y ago
  I'm in my late 20s. Still no kids but a long term partner. Since finding a fully remote job, I've been going back and forth. I stay one month in my city where I am independent, go out with friends, basically where I live my life. Then I stay 2-4 full weeks with my folks. I bought new office equipment to work as comfortably as in the city, and nice things to make my space really mine. It's an interesting cycle that I've learned to accept and enjoy. When I'm with them, I work a bit more because I have less social distractions, I go to the gym every day, and I see them all day. When I go back to my place, I go out with everyone, eat less meat, go to events, and do my regular activities that make me feel myself. It's a 6 hour cheap trip, which is not bad considering I stay in one place for weeks. It's not perfect, and maybe not permanent, but I can see my folks. Half the year at least, even if they never visit me. They're getting older. If they leave this world today, I will be devastated, but happy that my present self is doing the best it can to be with them.
  - dorchadas 4y ago
    > If they leave this world today, I will be devastated, but happy that my present self is doing the best it can to be with them. Yeah, this is what's bothering me, just turning 30. Even moreso in that if something were to happen where they were to leave the world tomorrow, I don't know if I'd be able to make it because of the way flights work overseas. It's a lot to think about, honestly, though I feel it'll at least be 2024 before I come back as there's a masters programme I want to do I think I'll always regret if I don't. Then maybe a PhD. Maybe getting a remote job would be the best, or just returning to teaching here. Thanks for your input!

r3trohack3r 4y ago

Not facetious at all. I call it "visiting Paris." A large number of people I grew up with "wanted to see the world." My younger self modeled a lot of my desired outcomes on people's externally stated desires. As I got older, I started realizing something: a lot of what people said they wanted was attainable for them and their socioeconomic status if they made different trade offs. So I started poking and offering advice on how they could "visit Paris." What I came to learn is that they wanted to be the kind of people that wanted to visit Paris. But they never would go to Paris. It was the idea they liked. I have well off family members who talk about wishing their son lived closer. They have the means to visit him. They're retired and live near an airport with direct flights, 3.5 hours door to door. But they never go. That's their Paris. I don't want to live in my hometown. I don't kid myself - I value raising my family here where I live more than the extra time with family. But, at the same time, when I go back I spend that time in a way maximally meaningful to me. I try not to have "going to Paris" wishes. I sacrifice protecting my ego from my own decisions but it makes me reconcile my decisions with my desires before reaching the state of irreversible regret.

zemvpferreira 4y ago
It's clear you've put a lot of thought into the tradeoff between these mutually exclusive wishes but I'd still encourage you to look for ways to spend more time with your folks. It's not all roses but it's been precious for me, personally.

dorchadas 4y ago

This is actually something that's been weighing on my mind heavily this holiday season, as I'm home in the first time for a year. It's...difficult for me. I love seeing my good friends and family, but there's also nothing in this town for me (apart from a job); it's in rural Kentucky, and there's nothing there to promote my interests (mainly academic) and good luck finding any long-term partners (I'm about as far from a Trump supporter as you can get). But, I truly miss seeing my family and friends regularly, more than I realised. It's a tough decision, and one I'll probably actually discuss with my friends on our annual New Years trip.

babyoil 4y ago
I'm in my late 20s. Still no kids but a long term partner. Since finding a fully remote job, I've been going back and forth. I stay one month in my city where I am independent, go out with friends, basically where I live my life. Then I stay 2-4 full weeks with my folks. I bought new office equipment to work as comfortably as in the city, and nice things to make my space really mine. It's an interesting cycle that I've learned to accept and enjoy. When I'm with them, I work a bit more because I have less social distractions, I go to the gym every day, and I see them all day. When I go back to my place, I go out with everyone, eat less meat, go to events, and do my regular activities that make me feel myself. It's a 6 hour cheap trip, which is not bad considering I stay in one place for weeks. It's not perfect, and maybe not permanent, but I can see my folks. Half the year at least, even if they never visit me. They're getting older. If they leave this world today, I will be devastated, but happy that my present self is doing the best it can to be with them.
- dorchadas 4y ago
  > If they leave this world today, I will be devastated, but happy that my present self is doing the best it can to be with them. Yeah, this is what's bothering me, just turning 30. Even moreso in that if something were to happen where they were to leave the world tomorrow, I don't know if I'd be able to make it because of the way flights work overseas. It's a lot to think about, honestly, though I feel it'll at least be 2024 before I come back as there's a masters programme I want to do I think I'll always regret if I don't. Then maybe a PhD. Maybe getting a remote job would be the best, or just returning to teaching here. Thanks for your input!