Not sure if you went through all the comments already. I kept this tab open to try and remember not to forget and comment. I only have encouragement for you. I

Not sure if you went through all the comments already. I kept this tab open to try and remember not to forget and comment. I only have encouragement for you. I don't think finding a therapist or more money for treatment is the right step. I know nothing about you, and I don't know you. But I think you can get out of this. You have some pretty nice degrees and have proven you have a great brain. You were courageous enough to take care of a family member out of respect and duty. Now you have a whole half of life or more left to continue doing things. There are tons of opportunities out there. I recommend doing some exercise on a schedule. Since you have internet, go watch some David Goggins, Joe Rogan or Tim Ferris on topics like "motivation, building up yourself from scratch" etc... (These are podcasts that go over the topics you speak of over and over again) After you can do 100 push-ups, squats and run like 5km daily. You probably will have enough natural motivation (and higher amount of testosterone in your blood) to get a short-term job. Lots of single people everywhere that need a reliable man, become that person.