Everytime I find myself trying to break down what I want from a mentor, I discover it's just a gaping hole in my heart from effectively being my own father and

Everytime I find myself trying to break down what I want from a mentor, I discover it's just a gaping hole in my heart from effectively being my own father and teaching myself how to exist, and then I get sad I'm being serious though is the non-obvious part, I'm not making a quip. A mentor to me is someone who isn't teaching me "how" or even teaching me "why", they are teaching me "hmm" I'm in my mid 40s and I try to remain receptive that a me from 20 years ago is looking for me now, and try to pay backwards what I couldn't steal forwards