You are not alone, and you are not a lost cause. People change their life all the time. Start with both the most important and the easiest problems. You menti

You are not alone, and you are not a lost cause. People change their life all the time. Start with both the most important and the easiest problems. You mentioned depression and suicidal thoughts. Take those seriously, treat depression like an injury or illness. You wouldn't ignore a broken leg or high fever. Absolutely get professional help for this illness. This is top prio. Do it tomorrow. And then there's also all the small things you can change right now. I've been in a similar situation a few times in my life, the most recent in my late 30s. Kids, work and family left me without any time for myself, which meant over the years I had nothing else left. No hobbies. Very few friends. No real interests outside of work and family. This also meant that any crisis in family or work hit 100x, because there was not much to compensate. I had reduced myself to a worker and family serviceman. I wasn't really a person anymore. It took me a while to get out of this mess. The path that helped me was re-discovering things that interest me and then pursuing them in a careful way. Reading, sports, computer gaming, side programming on hobby projects, open source contributions, cooking... Nothing special or unique, but all of these things I did for myself and not for others. I was slowly rebuilding my persona and reinventing myself.