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No offense to the reply, but “need a therapist” is a very American response and a bit of a cop out. OP, I’ve seen many people turn around after aged 40, includ

No offense to the reply, but “need a therapist” is a very American response and a bit of a cop out. OP, I’ve seen many people turn around after aged 40, including a friend who got married for the first time at aged 58. She’s energetic and attractive and incidentally also turned her life around after 40. My two pennies would suggest you throw the past expectations out the window, determine where your passions lie, and set short-term intentions / goals. I might also suggest looking to groups where people are successful but take approaches outside the norm. My friend for example is a successful physician and involved in a Yoga community that is global and inexpensive and where he can meet others of like kind. Build community for yourself.

soheil 4y ago
> No offense to the reply, but “need a therapist” is a very American response and a bit of a cop out. Why? I'd change it to "need a psychiatrist".
- vjulian 4y ago
  I don’t follow your last sentence. Why? Because it is a very American approach that is less the norm elsewhere. Therapy is not an industry to such a degree necessarily in other countries. Cop-out because it is akin to RTFM, ‘go Google it’, ‘delete and re-install’. If one doesn’t have a personal viewpoint, why bother responding.
  - soheil 4y ago
    What? No it's like format whatever that shit is and install Ubuntu.
    - vjulian 4y ago
      Still not following, but I think that is a function of the medium. I think the US therapist industry is a symptom of its culture and relative lack of community. There is an important role for mental health professionals, don’t get me wrong. I’m referring more to the industry of mental health.
      - Apocryphon 4y ago
        What other countries are you thinking about? Certainly in other nations with higher degrees of religiosity and intact community, people may share their issues with clerical figures. Certainly the American mental health industry, especially the pharmaceutical component, is skewed by all sorts of misaligned incentives. But I doubt that Europeans, Canadians, or Australians are not taking advantage of therapy options offered by national health systems.
  - tacticalturtle 4y ago
    Not the original poster, but regarding the last sentence, a psychiatrist is a medical doctor who can prescribe medication. A medical doctor can evaluate the OP much better than we can, and determine if medication may be able to help, in addition to changing thinking patterns.
  - halkony 4y ago
    Psychiatrists differ from therapists in the US because they can prescribe meds. Antidepressants, ADHD meds, etc. Not sure what his point is though. I understand your frustration with the "go to therapy" response. Even in the US there is a dismissive undertone to comments like this. The reality is that the people who get the most out of therapy already have a positive outlook on its benefits. Therapy doesn't fix anyone directly -- it gives a people a vehicle to look for ways to fix themselves by talking to a non-judgmental arbiter. People that have already done that tend to take it for granted and obviously there's a ton of variance in results/quality of therapeutic conversation.
    - caddemon 4y ago
      Eh I don't think a random non-judgemental arbiter would have the same efficacy. Therapy also usually involves teaching specific tools for dealing with negative thoughts. Parts of that could be outsourced to a workbook, but at times there is helpful personalization that occurs. It's totally true that it requires some buy-in, but so does an exercise routine. Things that require effort require buy-in. It is also true that there's a ton of variance and that some people who give it an honest try still don't really improve. This stuff is still really poorly understood for the most part, and I don't think therapy is a silver bullet. Neither is anything else anyone suggests. So yeah therapy is far from perfect, but I think it's selling it a bit short to suggest that the entire effect boils down to a facilitated self-conversation. I also don't get why others are so annoyed by the therapy suggestion, as I don't really see the downside of trying it. OP should look into all the options he might have, which IMO is the point of seeking community advice. You're not going to get an exact answer from HN comments, just some ideas.
mberning 4y ago
I agree 100%. It can help some people, but it's not a panacea. I have known people that went to therapists for years and didn't really make any progress. And some people arguably get worse. For example, what's the benefit of a therapist that gives you the illusion of making progress and you stay in a poor relationship longer than you otherwise would. That actually happened to someone I know. They stayed in a relationship for years trying to "fix" things. Then within a year they left their crappy situation, met someone way better, and is happier than ever. Be careful with seeing a therapist. And be very careful recommending them to people. I think a lot of people doing the recommending don't actually have first hand experience with it.
- a123b456c 4y ago
  It's easy to find a therapist. It's much harder to find the right therapist for you.
  - senbrow 4y ago
    10000%; I thought therapy was pretty ineffective until I found a therapist that is a good fit, at which point I realized that a lot of therapists are just straight up bad at their jobs. Therapists that are well matched to their patients are capable of truly incredible stuff.
tw600040 4y ago
Agree 100%. One needs help for sure, but help doesn't mean therapist. It's someone who cares, parents / sibling / spouse / cousins some family or close friends who truly care. Don't be alone
ravenstine 4y ago
THANK YOU I know "see a therapist" is generally meant well, and therapy can definitely help, but people are way too quick to suggest it, and suggest it as a must. It can communicate that a person is broken when their situation can be due to any number of things besides brokenness. I think most people know that therapy is an option, and I think many also underestimate the difficulty in not only finding an adequate therapist but a therapist at all in any reasonable amount of time.
- mancerayder 4y ago
  "See a Therapist" being the first, top-voted comment is to me a sign of a sick society, where loneliness reigns. In a world where in middle-age your closest friends are married with kids, and most people prefer to be 'remote-first' in friendships (you chat online with even friends you know), the answer "see a therapist" is for most people instead just a proxy for the gap: the gap of close friends and family to be able to bounce ideas and feelings off of. What should see a therapist is society itself, with top answers like that. Therapy should be reserved for the eccentric pathologies, not for routine middle-age crises and life situations.
  - ineedausername 4y ago
    You hit the nail on the head, but it's too late for that now, therapy is the new trend and will only keep growing from here. And it's not a bad idea, what do you have to loose anyway. In a sick society, everyone is sick by definition anyway... so yeah... therapy
  - enneff 4y ago
    Why so hostile to therapy? I have a great supportive network of friends and family, but even so a few times in my life I have seen a psychologist that gave me actionable advice that really helped me deal with personal hardships. An impartial trained professional can often see much more clearly what you’re blind to; friends mean well but sometimes their intuitive advice is actually the opposite of what you need to hear.
    - 4y ago
filereaper 4y ago
Its better than the OP seeks help from someone trained in this domain rather than getting an anecdotal therapy session from these comments. Getting professional help shouldn't be stigmatized as a cop out.
shadowbanned-00 4y ago
Therapy is like covid boosters. Every two months for infinity and you never get any better.

soheil 4y ago

> No offense to the reply, but “need a therapist” is a very American response and a bit of a cop out. Why? I'd change it to "need a psychiatrist".

vjulian 4y ago
I don’t follow your last sentence. Why? Because it is a very American approach that is less the norm elsewhere. Therapy is not an industry to such a degree necessarily in other countries. Cop-out because it is akin to RTFM, ‘go Google it’, ‘delete and re-install’. If one doesn’t have a personal viewpoint, why bother responding.
- soheil 4y ago
  What? No it's like format whatever that shit is and install Ubuntu.
  - vjulian 4y ago
    Still not following, but I think that is a function of the medium. I think the US therapist industry is a symptom of its culture and relative lack of community. There is an important role for mental health professionals, don’t get me wrong. I’m referring more to the industry of mental health.
    - Apocryphon 4y ago
      What other countries are you thinking about? Certainly in other nations with higher degrees of religiosity and intact community, people may share their issues with clerical figures. Certainly the American mental health industry, especially the pharmaceutical component, is skewed by all sorts of misaligned incentives. But I doubt that Europeans, Canadians, or Australians are not taking advantage of therapy options offered by national health systems.
- tacticalturtle 4y ago
  Not the original poster, but regarding the last sentence, a psychiatrist is a medical doctor who can prescribe medication. A medical doctor can evaluate the OP much better than we can, and determine if medication may be able to help, in addition to changing thinking patterns.
- halkony 4y ago
  Psychiatrists differ from therapists in the US because they can prescribe meds. Antidepressants, ADHD meds, etc. Not sure what his point is though. I understand your frustration with the "go to therapy" response. Even in the US there is a dismissive undertone to comments like this. The reality is that the people who get the most out of therapy already have a positive outlook on its benefits. Therapy doesn't fix anyone directly -- it gives a people a vehicle to look for ways to fix themselves by talking to a non-judgmental arbiter. People that have already done that tend to take it for granted and obviously there's a ton of variance in results/quality of therapeutic conversation.
  - caddemon 4y ago
    Eh I don't think a random non-judgemental arbiter would have the same efficacy. Therapy also usually involves teaching specific tools for dealing with negative thoughts. Parts of that could be outsourced to a workbook, but at times there is helpful personalization that occurs. It's totally true that it requires some buy-in, but so does an exercise routine. Things that require effort require buy-in. It is also true that there's a ton of variance and that some people who give it an honest try still don't really improve. This stuff is still really poorly understood for the most part, and I don't think therapy is a silver bullet. Neither is anything else anyone suggests. So yeah therapy is far from perfect, but I think it's selling it a bit short to suggest that the entire effect boils down to a facilitated self-conversation. I also don't get why others are so annoyed by the therapy suggestion, as I don't really see the downside of trying it. OP should look into all the options he might have, which IMO is the point of seeking community advice. You're not going to get an exact answer from HN comments, just some ideas.

mberning 4y ago

I agree 100%. It can help some people, but it's not a panacea. I have known people that went to therapists for years and didn't really make any progress. And some people arguably get worse. For example, what's the benefit of a therapist that gives you the illusion of making progress and you stay in a poor relationship longer than you otherwise would. That actually happened to someone I know. They stayed in a relationship for years trying to "fix" things. Then within a year they left their crappy situation, met someone way better, and is happier than ever. Be careful with seeing a therapist. And be very careful recommending them to people. I think a lot of people doing the recommending don't actually have first hand experience with it.

a123b456c 4y ago
It's easy to find a therapist. It's much harder to find the right therapist for you.
- senbrow 4y ago
  10000%; I thought therapy was pretty ineffective until I found a therapist that is a good fit, at which point I realized that a lot of therapists are just straight up bad at their jobs. Therapists that are well matched to their patients are capable of truly incredible stuff.

tw600040 4y ago

Agree 100%. One needs help for sure, but help doesn't mean therapist. It's someone who cares, parents / sibling / spouse / cousins some family or close friends who truly care. Don't be alone

ravenstine 4y ago

THANK YOU I know "see a therapist" is generally meant well, and therapy can definitely help, but people are way too quick to suggest it, and suggest it as a must. It can communicate that a person is broken when their situation can be due to any number of things besides brokenness. I think most people know that therapy is an option, and I think many also underestimate the difficulty in not only finding an adequate therapist but a therapist at all in any reasonable amount of time.

mancerayder 4y ago
"See a Therapist" being the first, top-voted comment is to me a sign of a sick society, where loneliness reigns. In a world where in middle-age your closest friends are married with kids, and most people prefer to be 'remote-first' in friendships (you chat online with even friends you know), the answer "see a therapist" is for most people instead just a proxy for the gap: the gap of close friends and family to be able to bounce ideas and feelings off of. What should see a therapist is society itself, with top answers like that. Therapy should be reserved for the eccentric pathologies, not for routine middle-age crises and life situations.
- ineedausername 4y ago
  You hit the nail on the head, but it's too late for that now, therapy is the new trend and will only keep growing from here. And it's not a bad idea, what do you have to loose anyway. In a sick society, everyone is sick by definition anyway... so yeah... therapy
- enneff 4y ago
  Why so hostile to therapy? I have a great supportive network of friends and family, but even so a few times in my life I have seen a psychologist that gave me actionable advice that really helped me deal with personal hardships. An impartial trained professional can often see much more clearly what you’re blind to; friends mean well but sometimes their intuitive advice is actually the opposite of what you need to hear.
  - 4y ago

filereaper 4y ago

Its better than the OP seeks help from someone trained in this domain rather than getting an anecdotal therapy session from these comments. Getting professional help shouldn't be stigmatized as a cop out.

shadowbanned-00 4y ago

Therapy is like covid boosters. Every two months for infinity and you never get any better.