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> At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men (well, at least making babies: bringing up kids does get a bit harder as you age regardless of
by gwd 4y ago
> At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men (well, at least making babies: bringing up kids does get a bit harder as you age regardless of the gender).
And regardless, do consider adoption, even as a single parent. There are loads of kids taken away from parents who for whatever reason can't really care for them. Often there's a generational component: the kid's grandparent abused or couldn't support the parent; the parent ended up in foster care, exited out of the system at 18 with no support network, got pregnant, and can't really support the child. If they're not placed with an adoptive family, they spend the rest of their lives in foster care and repeat the cycle. You can make a world of difference.
My first marriage took a long time to resolve itself; by the time I married again, and we figured out that we were having fertility problems, my wife was "over the cliff" fertility-wise. We adopted a little one and he's been a real joy. You are wired to connect with children, and children are wired to connect with you; those circuits in your brain can't read DNA.
Obviously you need to get your own life sorted out first: lack of work and depression feeding into each other are major contributing factors to the problems the kids' biological parents have taking care of them. But get your head in the right space, a good support network around you, and a steady income, and there's no reason you can't be welcome a child into your family. Obviously having a partner can make the burden easier, but there were plenty of single-parent adopters in the "cohort" going through the adoption process with us. It's definitely do-able.
- rlawson 4y agoI second this! Had two bios, they got grown (as happens). Wife and I missing kids and fostered a little 5 month old girl and after two years adopted. She's 5 now and wife/myself are early 50's and she is the center of our universe and so much fun. We all fall asleep around 8pm :) OP - You are young! Not even 1/2 way through life. You can do it.
- blablabla123 4y agoThat, I wanted to mention this myself. E.g. adopting kids that are already in school. That'll make their day and also considering today's divorce rates they'd probably be already studying should a divorce ever happen. I know families that adopted kids and everyone did really well (and did not divorce from what I heard anyway)
- a123b456c 4y agoBe cautious with this. Lots of kids need adopting no doubt. But adoption can be extraordinarily difficult for parents. I speak from experience. It's not something to be taken lightly.
- enneff 4y agoRaising children in general is not something to be taken lightly.
- rlawson 4y agoYou are right that you need to go into it with your eyes open. At least in my state it took about a year to get certified to foster and you set boundaries on what you can handle. For instance, I knew that I would not be equipped for a certain level of trauma/medical issues and indicated that. You still end up dealing with state agencies, family court, crazy relatives and lots of other stuff so it's not all sunshine. But in our case it was totally worth it.
- riku_iki 4y agoAdditionally, there are many single women with kids, which also will be happy to restore semi-normal family and find life long partner.
- Eisenstein 4y ago> And regardless, do consider adoption, even as a single parent. I am struggling to think of any official agency which would pair a child with a single man. Is this really something that happens?
- gwd 4y agoAs I said, there was one man in my "cohort" -- the group of parents that went through the adoption training together. He was a tradesman -- single, self-employed, my guess in his early 40's; he passed the screening process and adopted a school-age boy. This is a "local authority" in the UK. I'm sure rules vary from place to place, depending on culture, experience, and need. I do know they look extensively at your support network, history, and so on; presumably the requirements for a support network are higher when you're going to be a single adoptive parent.