5 ms·

> At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men Finding a partner becomes hard, especially if you expect her to be 5-10 years younger. I use

> At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men Finding a partner becomes hard, especially if you expect her to be 5-10 years younger. I used to be rather successful with women, was never single, always could find someone easily. I'm 45, in good shape with a good job, but it has became much harder.

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ambicapter 4y ago
> rather successful with women, was never single, always could find someone easily The good news for GP is I think for a lot of people what you consider to be much harder is just the norm.
- dbspin 4y ago
  Totally agree with this. I have an older (late 50's) gay friend who considers himself 'over the hill'. He talks constantly about how hard it is to find someone etc. However, by comparison to myself and my other straight friends, it's trivially easy for him to find both sex and companionship. Essentially it was so easy when he was young and handsome, he learned an aversion to trying. It's not so much that he doesn't know how, it's that he feels he shouldn't have to. As an average looking straight guy, I find his entitlement absurd. Same goes for OP. I'm literally his age, don't own property, have less in savings (I don't work in tech), and consider myself both lucky and free. Also lucky not to live in the US, where other people's perceptions of your relative wealth seems much more important for dating / social life etc. Perspective governs so much of how meaningful and rich our lives seem. I look at my family / contemporaries who have children, or have crushed themselves at a desk for twenty years and feel inestimable gratitude I didn't sacrifice my life on that alter. OP's problem is a long period unemployment and depression, not some kind of nebulous 'failure'. Fortunately it's readily fixable. 43 is not remotely 'past it'.
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    [deleted]
  - hiram112 4y ago
    > Essentially it was so easy when he was young and handsome, he learned an aversion to trying I think a lot of women experience the same upon reaching middle age. In their 20s and early 30s, getting a date, sex, long-term relationship, etc. was as easy as firing up the app and letting a dozen men dance like monkeys for the chance to take her out. By late 30s, this dynamic is gone for most women, and even starts reversing itself where by 40's, many men - and not just the "alphas" or gay men who also had an easy time in their younger years - have a lot more power in the dating market, though mostly because they aren't so beholden to their hormones, and can make decisions based on what benefits a particular women and relationship brings to his life. In most cases, the negatives outweigh the positives, and thus women and gay men now get to experience the same odds that most men dealt with all their life.
jfk13 4y ago
If you'll excuse me saying -- and I may be totally misreading your comment -- it sounds like what you were looking for (and finding) so easily in the past wasn't really a partner, at least in the life-long sense, but rather a string of casual relationships. That's not at all the same thing as wanting a wife and kids.
- yodsanklai 4y ago
  Not really, I had many long term relationships, and shorter ones in between. I wasn't a super popular man, but attractive enough that I could always find partners with reasonable efforts. But in any case, I think it's not that different as wanting a wife and kids. You need to be able to seduce someone, whether it's for a casual relationship, or for marriage. It's start with physical attraction either way. I don't think mentioning "I want to get married and have kids" will give you a free pass which is ironic considering many women complain men only want casual relationships. Modern dating where people meet online makes it harder too. A gay friend of mine who is 60 years old says that back in the day, he would meet guys in saunas or bars, and older guy would have a chance. But online, nobody want to meet a 60 years old guy.
  - docmars 4y ago
    > I want to get married and have kids" I think this just comes off as moving too quickly. After a few weeks of successful dates and comfort levels built, I've found this to be acceptable to mention casually, especially in a conversation meant for discussing goals. It also softens things to say it like "Yea, someday I want to be married and have kids" but in a tone that doesn't include the woman you're dating yet. They already know you're dating them presumably for this goal if you mention it, but it also communicates you aren't desperate and already thinking this far ahead with this person (even though you probably already are).
  - enneff 4y ago
    How long term can they have been if you had “many” of them? There’s a huge difference between seducing someone for a casual relationship and forging a deep friendship with the person who becomes your life partner.
ako 4y ago
I recently started taking dancing lessons, bachata, surprised by the amount of single women looking for a dance partner...
mancerayder 4y ago
> I used to be rather successful with women, was never single, always could find someone easily. I'm 45, in good shape with a good job, but it has became much harder. You're also most likely much more selective. In your 20's and 30's, there's no feeling of a clock ticking.
- scottLobster 4y ago
  Yeah, as weird as it sounds, my wife and I are probably together now 14 years after we met because we had relatively low standards in our early 20s. Obviously you should have some baselines for fundamental character traits when considering a long-term partner, but we were both well-intentioned-but-half-developed at 21. If either one of us had been in a position to look down on our relatively lackluster lifestyles at that point, we probably wouldn't be happily married today. I guess my point is prioritize fundamental character (honesty, communication, loyalty, values, etc), and someone you can have fun with. The rest can be taken care of with time and effort.

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ambicapter 4y ago

> rather successful with women, was never single, always could find someone easily The good news for GP is I think for a lot of people what you consider to be much harder is just the norm.

dbspin 4y ago
Totally agree with this. I have an older (late 50's) gay friend who considers himself 'over the hill'. He talks constantly about how hard it is to find someone etc. However, by comparison to myself and my other straight friends, it's trivially easy for him to find both sex and companionship. Essentially it was so easy when he was young and handsome, he learned an aversion to trying. It's not so much that he doesn't know how, it's that he feels he shouldn't have to. As an average looking straight guy, I find his entitlement absurd. Same goes for OP. I'm literally his age, don't own property, have less in savings (I don't work in tech), and consider myself both lucky and free. Also lucky not to live in the US, where other people's perceptions of your relative wealth seems much more important for dating / social life etc. Perspective governs so much of how meaningful and rich our lives seem. I look at my family / contemporaries who have children, or have crushed themselves at a desk for twenty years and feel inestimable gratitude I didn't sacrifice my life on that alter. OP's problem is a long period unemployment and depression, not some kind of nebulous 'failure'. Fortunately it's readily fixable. 43 is not remotely 'past it'.
- deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
- hiram112 4y ago
  > Essentially it was so easy when he was young and handsome, he learned an aversion to trying I think a lot of women experience the same upon reaching middle age. In their 20s and early 30s, getting a date, sex, long-term relationship, etc. was as easy as firing up the app and letting a dozen men dance like monkeys for the chance to take her out. By late 30s, this dynamic is gone for most women, and even starts reversing itself where by 40's, many men - and not just the "alphas" or gay men who also had an easy time in their younger years - have a lot more power in the dating market, though mostly because they aren't so beholden to their hormones, and can make decisions based on what benefits a particular women and relationship brings to his life. In most cases, the negatives outweigh the positives, and thus women and gay men now get to experience the same odds that most men dealt with all their life.

jfk13 4y ago

If you'll excuse me saying -- and I may be totally misreading your comment -- it sounds like what you were looking for (and finding) so easily in the past wasn't really a partner, at least in the life-long sense, but rather a string of casual relationships. That's not at all the same thing as wanting a wife and kids.

yodsanklai 4y ago
Not really, I had many long term relationships, and shorter ones in between. I wasn't a super popular man, but attractive enough that I could always find partners with reasonable efforts. But in any case, I think it's not that different as wanting a wife and kids. You need to be able to seduce someone, whether it's for a casual relationship, or for marriage. It's start with physical attraction either way. I don't think mentioning "I want to get married and have kids" will give you a free pass which is ironic considering many women complain men only want casual relationships. Modern dating where people meet online makes it harder too. A gay friend of mine who is 60 years old says that back in the day, he would meet guys in saunas or bars, and older guy would have a chance. But online, nobody want to meet a 60 years old guy.
- docmars 4y ago
  > I want to get married and have kids" I think this just comes off as moving too quickly. After a few weeks of successful dates and comfort levels built, I've found this to be acceptable to mention casually, especially in a conversation meant for discussing goals. It also softens things to say it like "Yea, someday I want to be married and have kids" but in a tone that doesn't include the woman you're dating yet. They already know you're dating them presumably for this goal if you mention it, but it also communicates you aren't desperate and already thinking this far ahead with this person (even though you probably already are).
- enneff 4y ago
  How long term can they have been if you had “many” of them? There’s a huge difference between seducing someone for a casual relationship and forging a deep friendship with the person who becomes your life partner.

ako 4y ago

I recently started taking dancing lessons, bachata, surprised by the amount of single women looking for a dance partner...

mancerayder 4y ago

> I used to be rather successful with women, was never single, always could find someone easily. I'm 45, in good shape with a good job, but it has became much harder. You're also most likely much more selective. In your 20's and 30's, there's no feeling of a clock ticking.

scottLobster 4y ago
Yeah, as weird as it sounds, my wife and I are probably together now 14 years after we met because we had relatively low standards in our early 20s. Obviously you should have some baselines for fundamental character traits when considering a long-term partner, but we were both well-intentioned-but-half-developed at 21. If either one of us had been in a position to look down on our relatively lackluster lifestyles at that point, we probably wouldn't be happily married today. I guess my point is prioritize fundamental character (honesty, communication, loyalty, values, etc), and someone you can have fun with. The rest can be taken care of with time and effort.