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I don't have any idea why you think "a wife, kids" are out of the picture for you: after early adulthood, men and women are looking for someone they can see hav

I don't have any idea why you think "a wife, kids" are out of the picture for you: after early adulthood, men and women are looking for someone they can see having a family with, and not for the more superfluous things in life (good looks, status or lots of money). At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men (well, at least making babies: bringing up kids does get a bit harder as you age regardless of the gender). In any case, getting a job in a place where you'd be happy should "restart" your life: job is also a means to a new social life where you make the break from the old. So it sounds like you are only a decent job away from starting on the right path. Having some vices also allows you to connect with others, so perhaps pick up a few non-damaging ones :D Finally, note that you should look for professional help instead of listening to any of the advice I might give, though finding a psychologist who you can connect to is sometimes an ordeal as well.

saiya-jin 4y ago
Second that age thing, 43 is not 'too old' for a man, past prime yes but definitely doable if your health is OK in that area. As a person who has 2 young kids (first when 39, second at 41) - in some regards I am much better parent than younger me, the only problem that probably got worse with age (for me) is patience. But parents are required to have endless amount of patience anyway and I've seen even otherwise stellar parents to lose it more than once when pushed enough. If you don't feel up to it anymore, look for single moms and give some proper good into the world, it desperately needs it now more than ever. Don't let (often ancient) social norms of your specific place rule your life, science is on your side. Tons of other good advices here - if you think you really are suicidal (and not just fleeting emotion in the lowest position), get professional help, even if it means moving away. You owe to yourself as much as to anybody else, including your closest family. Otherwise try to get a job you want and like, AND get into some sports, whatever it is. Being active brutally increases mood, happiness and often integrates you with like-minded people. On top of usual stuff like better sleep, sex, longer better life overall etc. Do some 'charity' work, helping unknown people with whatever, its extremely rewarding. Attempt in some way to overcome procrastination, attack it from different angles, ie set up appointments that you would feel ashamed to cancel later.
yodsanklai 4y ago
> At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men Finding a partner becomes hard, especially if you expect her to be 5-10 years younger. I used to be rather successful with women, was never single, always could find someone easily. I'm 45, in good shape with a good job, but it has became much harder.
- deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
- ambicapter 4y ago
  > rather successful with women, was never single, always could find someone easily The good news for GP is I think for a lot of people what you consider to be much harder is just the norm.
  - dbspin 4y ago
    Totally agree with this. I have an older (late 50's) gay friend who considers himself 'over the hill'. He talks constantly about how hard it is to find someone etc. However, by comparison to myself and my other straight friends, it's trivially easy for him to find both sex and companionship. Essentially it was so easy when he was young and handsome, he learned an aversion to trying. It's not so much that he doesn't know how, it's that he feels he shouldn't have to. As an average looking straight guy, I find his entitlement absurd. Same goes for OP. I'm literally his age, don't own property, have less in savings (I don't work in tech), and consider myself both lucky and free. Also lucky not to live in the US, where other people's perceptions of your relative wealth seems much more important for dating / social life etc. Perspective governs so much of how meaningful and rich our lives seem. I look at my family / contemporaries who have children, or have crushed themselves at a desk for twenty years and feel inestimable gratitude I didn't sacrifice my life on that alter. OP's problem is a long period unemployment and depression, not some kind of nebulous 'failure'. Fortunately it's readily fixable. 43 is not remotely 'past it'.
    - deleted 4y ago
      [deleted]
nsxwolf 4y ago
Also, men can circumvent fertility issues by dating younger. I know two 40+ men who started families with 20+ women, and so far so good.
- dweekly 4y ago
  Starting a family with twenty spouses sounds like a lot of work, honestly.
  - robertlagrant 4y ago
    Well, that's why there were two of them.
    - malfist 4y ago
      Reminds me of chain marriages in The Moon is a Harsh Mistress
gwd 4y ago
> At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men (well, at least making babies: bringing up kids does get a bit harder as you age regardless of the gender). And regardless, do consider adoption, even as a single parent. There are loads of kids taken away from parents who for whatever reason can't really care for them. Often there's a generational component: the kid's grandparent abused or couldn't support the parent; the parent ended up in foster care, exited out of the system at 18 with no support network, got pregnant, and can't really support the child. If they're not placed with an adoptive family, they spend the rest of their lives in foster care and repeat the cycle. You can make a world of difference. My first marriage took a long time to resolve itself; by the time I married again, and we figured out that we were having fertility problems, my wife was "over the cliff" fertility-wise. We adopted a little one and he's been a real joy. You are wired to connect with children, and children are wired to connect with you; those circuits in your brain can't read DNA. Obviously you need to get your own life sorted out first: lack of work and depression feeding into each other are major contributing factors to the problems the kids' biological parents have taking care of them. But get your head in the right space, a good support network around you, and a steady income, and there's no reason you can't be welcome a child into your family. Obviously having a partner can make the burden easier, but there were plenty of single-parent adopters in the "cohort" going through the adoption process with us. It's definitely do-able.
- rlawson 4y ago
  I second this! Had two bios, they got grown (as happens). Wife and I missing kids and fostered a little 5 month old girl and after two years adopted. She's 5 now and wife/myself are early 50's and she is the center of our universe and so much fun. We all fall asleep around 8pm :) OP - You are young! Not even 1/2 way through life. You can do it.
  - trentnix 4y ago
    Thank you for sharing this anecdote. It brightened my day. God bless you and your wife, and your daughter!
    - 4y ago
soheil 4y ago
Second that. I wish people would avoid not rejecting "it's too late for kids at 43". The more implicit affirmation you hear on HN it strengthens that false belief.
- salambombay 4y ago
  Wow! So many negatives. I had to whip out pen and paper to figure it out: Negative: "avoid" Negative: "not" Negative: "rejecting" Negative: "too late..." So, you're saying: you wish people accept its ok to have kids at 43?
oezi 4y ago
I agree that starting a family is very much still a possibility but also would suggest that it doesn't have part of a solution. Marriage and kids bring their own challenges and make any turn-around much harder. I think solving your personal issues and the job should come first.

saiya-jin 4y ago

Second that age thing, 43 is not 'too old' for a man, past prime yes but definitely doable if your health is OK in that area. As a person who has 2 young kids (first when 39, second at 41) - in some regards I am much better parent than younger me, the only problem that probably got worse with age (for me) is patience. But parents are required to have endless amount of patience anyway and I've seen even otherwise stellar parents to lose it more than once when pushed enough. If you don't feel up to it anymore, look for single moms and give some proper good into the world, it desperately needs it now more than ever. Don't let (often ancient) social norms of your specific place rule your life, science is on your side. Tons of other good advices here - if you think you really are suicidal (and not just fleeting emotion in the lowest position), get professional help, even if it means moving away. You owe to yourself as much as to anybody else, including your closest family. Otherwise try to get a job you want and like, AND get into some sports, whatever it is. Being active brutally increases mood, happiness and often integrates you with like-minded people. On top of usual stuff like better sleep, sex, longer better life overall etc. Do some 'charity' work, helping unknown people with whatever, its extremely rewarding. Attempt in some way to overcome procrastination, attack it from different angles, ie set up appointments that you would feel ashamed to cancel later.

yodsanklai 4y ago

> At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men Finding a partner becomes hard, especially if you expect her to be 5-10 years younger. I used to be rather successful with women, was never single, always could find someone easily. I'm 45, in good shape with a good job, but it has became much harder.

deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
ambicapter 4y ago
> rather successful with women, was never single, always could find someone easily The good news for GP is I think for a lot of people what you consider to be much harder is just the norm.
- dbspin 4y ago
  Totally agree with this. I have an older (late 50's) gay friend who considers himself 'over the hill'. He talks constantly about how hard it is to find someone etc. However, by comparison to myself and my other straight friends, it's trivially easy for him to find both sex and companionship. Essentially it was so easy when he was young and handsome, he learned an aversion to trying. It's not so much that he doesn't know how, it's that he feels he shouldn't have to. As an average looking straight guy, I find his entitlement absurd. Same goes for OP. I'm literally his age, don't own property, have less in savings (I don't work in tech), and consider myself both lucky and free. Also lucky not to live in the US, where other people's perceptions of your relative wealth seems much more important for dating / social life etc. Perspective governs so much of how meaningful and rich our lives seem. I look at my family / contemporaries who have children, or have crushed themselves at a desk for twenty years and feel inestimable gratitude I didn't sacrifice my life on that alter. OP's problem is a long period unemployment and depression, not some kind of nebulous 'failure'. Fortunately it's readily fixable. 43 is not remotely 'past it'.
  - deleted 4y ago
    [deleted]

nsxwolf 4y ago

Also, men can circumvent fertility issues by dating younger. I know two 40+ men who started families with 20+ women, and so far so good.

dweekly 4y ago
Starting a family with twenty spouses sounds like a lot of work, honestly.
- robertlagrant 4y ago
  Well, that's why there were two of them.
  - malfist 4y ago
    Reminds me of chain marriages in The Moon is a Harsh Mistress

gwd 4y ago

> At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men (well, at least making babies: bringing up kids does get a bit harder as you age regardless of the gender). And regardless, do consider adoption, even as a single parent. There are loads of kids taken away from parents who for whatever reason can't really care for them. Often there's a generational component: the kid's grandparent abused or couldn't support the parent; the parent ended up in foster care, exited out of the system at 18 with no support network, got pregnant, and can't really support the child. If they're not placed with an adoptive family, they spend the rest of their lives in foster care and repeat the cycle. You can make a world of difference. My first marriage took a long time to resolve itself; by the time I married again, and we figured out that we were having fertility problems, my wife was "over the cliff" fertility-wise. We adopted a little one and he's been a real joy. You are wired to connect with children, and children are wired to connect with you; those circuits in your brain can't read DNA. Obviously you need to get your own life sorted out first: lack of work and depression feeding into each other are major contributing factors to the problems the kids' biological parents have taking care of them. But get your head in the right space, a good support network around you, and a steady income, and there's no reason you can't be welcome a child into your family. Obviously having a partner can make the burden easier, but there were plenty of single-parent adopters in the "cohort" going through the adoption process with us. It's definitely do-able.

rlawson 4y ago
I second this! Had two bios, they got grown (as happens). Wife and I missing kids and fostered a little 5 month old girl and after two years adopted. She's 5 now and wife/myself are early 50's and she is the center of our universe and so much fun. We all fall asleep around 8pm :) OP - You are young! Not even 1/2 way through life. You can do it.
- trentnix 4y ago
  Thank you for sharing this anecdote. It brightened my day. God bless you and your wife, and your daughter!
  - 4y ago

soheil 4y ago

Second that. I wish people would avoid not rejecting "it's too late for kids at 43". The more implicit affirmation you hear on HN it strengthens that false belief.

salambombay 4y ago
Wow! So many negatives. I had to whip out pen and paper to figure it out: Negative: "avoid" Negative: "not" Negative: "rejecting" Negative: "too late..." So, you're saying: you wish people accept its ok to have kids at 43?

oezi 4y ago

I agree that starting a family is very much still a possibility but also would suggest that it doesn't have part of a solution. Marriage and kids bring their own challenges and make any turn-around much harder. I think solving your personal issues and the job should come first.