4 ms·

Once you have kids (my apologies assuming you don't if you do, but perhaps other readers should be aware), you start to feel that every day - not only worrying

Once you have kids (my apologies assuming you don't if you do, but perhaps other readers should be aware), you start to feel that every day - not only worrying how they'll be cared for materially, but also how they'd cope with the loss developmentally.

jacquesm 4y ago
Spot on. This is pretty much the driving force in my life right now. I haven't been particularly kind to this body and the damage is starting to add up to the point that I wonder how much longer it will work and posts like these ram that home in ways that are impossible to ignore.
- CamelRocketFish 4y ago
  How haven’t you been kind to your body?
  - jacquesm 4y ago
    Bike accident (utterly self inflicted), 1000's of all-nighters, too little exercise (which I guess you can always point at, I bike a lot but that's not balanced exercise), diet, overstressed joints/muscles by doing too much physical work beyond my ability (usually when remodeling houses or constructing stuff). Coupled with a nice assortment of genetic heritage and some regular diseases (COVID, kidneys, gall bladder, bad lung) and it starts to really add up, the comparison between when I turned 50 and today is really harsh, it's not so much a gradual descent as it is a drop off a cliff.
    - ronyeh 4y ago
      Sorry to hear.... I'm a fan of your work and your writing. Hope you can put as much focus into improving your health (sleep, diet, mobility) as you do your work. (I have had the same tendencies so I know...)
      - jacquesm 4y ago
        Trying...
    - subharmonicon 4y ago
      For me 47 to 52 has been like a steep drop as well. I have neither been great or awful in taking care of myself, but it has clearly added up. Now facing open-heart surgery with all its risks and complications sometime soon. I knew that was always a possibility due to a congenital heart defect but five years ago it seemed unlikely and suddenly in the last 18 months it became a clear eventuality. Trying to reframe that in the most positive way possible in my mind and also stop blaming myself for not taking better care of myself. It’s hard.
      - jacquesm 4y ago
        Wow, here's to hoping that that surgery works out and that there are no complications. Makes my stuff look like a mere nuisance. Best of luck there!
        subharmonicon 4y ago
        Thanks!
    - wayeq 4y ago
      I'm similar. You might try swimming if it is practical for you, it has made a world of difference for me. It is close to a perfectly balanced exercise, involving nearly all muscles, low impact, cardio and breath control, and above all it is fun (at least for me and a significant percentage of people).
      - jacquesm 4y ago
        I'm a super bad swimmer and my skin is hypersensitive to chlorine but this sounds like it is worth investigating anyway, thank you!
        bitwidget 4y ago
        See if there are any saltwater pools next to you, they still need chlorine, but it looks like the chlorine effect is gentler.
        jacquesm 4y ago
        Thank you very much, that might be just the thing for me. I really need a way to balance all this out and it has to be something that I can do on a schedule and indoors so it isn't weather dependent. The best so far was a trainer bike on a stand. Of course I will need to become a better swimmer.
    - qwerpy 4y ago
      Was really helpful for me to read this comment. I'm entering my 40s, have young children, and am still relatively healthy but I start to notice old age stubbornly pushing for a foothold. The aches and pains take longer to go away and some of them never quite do. I'm terrified of an irreversible "drop off a cliff" as you mentioned. The most important thing for me now is to preserve my health for the next 30 years so I can see my kids grow up and hopefully have their own children. Seems exercise, diet, and sleep are things I need to prioritize.
      - jacquesm 4y ago
        Yes, please do. And - my big mistake - don't think your body will be able to do the tricks that you could do yesterday and get away with it. If you are used to taking risks scale that down before you meet a risk that is not easily recoverable. Case in point: I like to tinker with bikes and I owned a whole bunch of experimental ones that I'd take down for rides, one of them a low racer recumbent. I'd fallen off that thing many times and never as much as a scratch so I figured it was pretty safe, even at speed. Cue my surprise when I ended up with a right leg and ankle broken in many places after being launched from something as exciting as a speedbump... If i could re-do that day I would be so happy.
imdsm 4y ago
I couldn't say this any better. Once you have kids, everything changes. The impact of getting ill is no longer how it affects you, if you've done enough with your time, but how it will affect them. It's like a dark cloud that follows, in the back of your mind every day. Ultimately, it helps you realise what really matters, and what doesn't.
- jacquesm 4y ago
  Indeed, nothing to help focus the mind like having kids. Until I held my firstborn life was all fun and games.
  - tasuki 4y ago
    Is it a bad thing for life to be fun and games?
    - jacquesm 4y ago
      No, absolutely not. But it is somewhat incompatible with having the responsibility for one or more children. I'm sure it can be done but most people that I know that have children see them as their first responsibility.
- xedrac 4y ago
  I consider this one of life's greatest privileges. The responsibility of it all can be overwhelming, but I have perspective in droves!
- mrits 4y ago
  I doubt you actually mean this is the case for everyone. Obviously there are a lot of parents that don't feel this way. I have a recent example where a few years ago my friends dad (friend is ~35,dad is ~75) wanted the son to give up a kidney even though he had other health concerns and most likely wouldn't last a few more years regardless. That doesn't sound like love as I wouldn't even ask that of a good friend.
  - 4y ago
tartoran 4y ago
Yes, having children complicates things quite a bit. I personally don’t care much about my own demise but the thought of leaving my child without support is giving me great anxiety. My biggest hope in life is surviving until my child is a young adult.
jjtheblunt 4y ago
that even generalizes to having "adopted" rescue animals, i confess and know innumerable others would too: one adopts them because they're good earthlings too, and while not genetic offspring, adopters feel they join a family which you don't want to have disrupted by horrid illness.

jacquesm 4y ago

Spot on. This is pretty much the driving force in my life right now. I haven't been particularly kind to this body and the damage is starting to add up to the point that I wonder how much longer it will work and posts like these ram that home in ways that are impossible to ignore.

CamelRocketFish 4y ago
How haven’t you been kind to your body?
- jacquesm 4y ago
  Bike accident (utterly self inflicted), 1000's of all-nighters, too little exercise (which I guess you can always point at, I bike a lot but that's not balanced exercise), diet, overstressed joints/muscles by doing too much physical work beyond my ability (usually when remodeling houses or constructing stuff). Coupled with a nice assortment of genetic heritage and some regular diseases (COVID, kidneys, gall bladder, bad lung) and it starts to really add up, the comparison between when I turned 50 and today is really harsh, it's not so much a gradual descent as it is a drop off a cliff.
  - ronyeh 4y ago
    Sorry to hear.... I'm a fan of your work and your writing. Hope you can put as much focus into improving your health (sleep, diet, mobility) as you do your work. (I have had the same tendencies so I know...)
    - jacquesm 4y ago
      Trying...
  - subharmonicon 4y ago
    For me 47 to 52 has been like a steep drop as well. I have neither been great or awful in taking care of myself, but it has clearly added up. Now facing open-heart surgery with all its risks and complications sometime soon. I knew that was always a possibility due to a congenital heart defect but five years ago it seemed unlikely and suddenly in the last 18 months it became a clear eventuality. Trying to reframe that in the most positive way possible in my mind and also stop blaming myself for not taking better care of myself. It’s hard.
    - jacquesm 4y ago
      Wow, here's to hoping that that surgery works out and that there are no complications. Makes my stuff look like a mere nuisance. Best of luck there!
      - subharmonicon 4y ago
        Thanks!
  - wayeq 4y ago
    I'm similar. You might try swimming if it is practical for you, it has made a world of difference for me. It is close to a perfectly balanced exercise, involving nearly all muscles, low impact, cardio and breath control, and above all it is fun (at least for me and a significant percentage of people).
    - jacquesm 4y ago
      I'm a super bad swimmer and my skin is hypersensitive to chlorine but this sounds like it is worth investigating anyway, thank you!
      - bitwidget 4y ago
        See if there are any saltwater pools next to you, they still need chlorine, but it looks like the chlorine effect is gentler.
        jacquesm 4y ago
        Thank you very much, that might be just the thing for me. I really need a way to balance all this out and it has to be something that I can do on a schedule and indoors so it isn't weather dependent. The best so far was a trainer bike on a stand. Of course I will need to become a better swimmer.
  - qwerpy 4y ago
    Was really helpful for me to read this comment. I'm entering my 40s, have young children, and am still relatively healthy but I start to notice old age stubbornly pushing for a foothold. The aches and pains take longer to go away and some of them never quite do. I'm terrified of an irreversible "drop off a cliff" as you mentioned. The most important thing for me now is to preserve my health for the next 30 years so I can see my kids grow up and hopefully have their own children. Seems exercise, diet, and sleep are things I need to prioritize.
    - jacquesm 4y ago
      Yes, please do. And - my big mistake - don't think your body will be able to do the tricks that you could do yesterday and get away with it. If you are used to taking risks scale that down before you meet a risk that is not easily recoverable. Case in point: I like to tinker with bikes and I owned a whole bunch of experimental ones that I'd take down for rides, one of them a low racer recumbent. I'd fallen off that thing many times and never as much as a scratch so I figured it was pretty safe, even at speed. Cue my surprise when I ended up with a right leg and ankle broken in many places after being launched from something as exciting as a speedbump... If i could re-do that day I would be so happy.

imdsm 4y ago

I couldn't say this any better. Once you have kids, everything changes. The impact of getting ill is no longer how it affects you, if you've done enough with your time, but how it will affect them. It's like a dark cloud that follows, in the back of your mind every day. Ultimately, it helps you realise what really matters, and what doesn't.

jacquesm 4y ago
Indeed, nothing to help focus the mind like having kids. Until I held my firstborn life was all fun and games.
- tasuki 4y ago
  Is it a bad thing for life to be fun and games?
  - jacquesm 4y ago
    No, absolutely not. But it is somewhat incompatible with having the responsibility for one or more children. I'm sure it can be done but most people that I know that have children see them as their first responsibility.
xedrac 4y ago
I consider this one of life's greatest privileges. The responsibility of it all can be overwhelming, but I have perspective in droves!
mrits 4y ago
I doubt you actually mean this is the case for everyone. Obviously there are a lot of parents that don't feel this way. I have a recent example where a few years ago my friends dad (friend is ~35,dad is ~75) wanted the son to give up a kidney even though he had other health concerns and most likely wouldn't last a few more years regardless. That doesn't sound like love as I wouldn't even ask that of a good friend.
- 4y ago

tartoran 4y ago

Yes, having children complicates things quite a bit. I personally don’t care much about my own demise but the thought of leaving my child without support is giving me great anxiety. My biggest hope in life is surviving until my child is a young adult.

jjtheblunt 4y ago

that even generalizes to having "adopted" rescue animals, i confess and know innumerable others would too: one adopts them because they're good earthlings too, and while not genetic offspring, adopters feel they join a family which you don't want to have disrupted by horrid illness.