4 ms·
"Contrary to people’s forecasts, they were more likable the more they spoke, and their partners formed global rather than differentiated impressions." In my ex
by starkd 4y ago
"Contrary to people’s forecasts, they were more likable the more they spoke, and their partners formed global rather than differentiated impressions."
In my experience, reticence to talk is mostly about fear of saying something stupid, which generally happens when you don't have anything to say but your trying to say something. Assigning people to talk for abitrary portions of the conversation might just cause you to say more stupid things. So, this is indeed a surprising result.
- whatever1 4y agoWhich is is when you can form an opinion for someone. Will they say something stupid or offensive? When people let their guard down is when you get a glimpse into them. Which I guess is why alcohol and similar substances have been used for centuries.
- themitigating 4y agoBy letting your guard down I take that to mean revealing personal matters, weaknesses, fears, anything that makes you vulnerable. Being offensive certainly gives me a glimpse into the person but not in a good way.
- jrgoff 4y agoYour experience agrees with my experience of myself. Growing up I was the youngest child in our family friend group and particularly had an older sibling who basically bullied me - I learned to be reticent to speak and was definitely afraid of saying something stupid. When I got a little older (in high school) I eventually got curious about how so many of my peers seemed to converse easily without fear of saying anything stupid. Upon observation I realized that my peers said stupid stuff all the time and for the most part nobody cared. I think to some extent position in the social pecking order probably mattered more for how people would react to what someone said than specifically what they said. I sometimes think about something similar while watching sitcoms - the characters will often say/do mean things to each other for a laugh and because everyone on the show reacts as though what was said was okay/normal it seems to barely register to me how mean it actually was. I think growing up with a critical sibling lead to me developing a self-critical voice that I carried around with me so even if externally people didn't react poorly to something "stupid" I said, internally I provided myself that negative feedback that reinforced my fears/beliefs. I think the self-critical voice was protective when it developed - it helped me avoid the more painful external feedback from my sibling, but it continued on long after that was useful.
- yamrzou 4y agoDid this realization eventually help you get rid of that internal self-critical voice?
- jrgoff 4y agoYes, it's not gone but it has greatly improved. One of the challenges as far as that goes is that much of the time that sort of negative self-talk/belief happens below the verbal/conscious level for me so it's easy for it to be in effect without me realizing it. I've done a number of things over the years that have been helpful but therapy work the last couple of years has led to some notable shifts for me in that area.
- j33zusjuice 4y agoAsking questions is a form of talking. If you’re afraid of saying something stupid, why not just admit that the topic is outside your knowledge, and ask questions about what they’re telling you? I didn’t see the whole paper, but I wonder if the idea is really to be engaged in the conversation.