Ugh. Yeah, it does sound kinda burnout-y, sure. In your shoes I'd probably design a specification & system to get what you want. Starting with questions like:

Ugh. Yeah, it does sound kinda burnout-y, sure. In your shoes I'd probably design a specification & system to get what you want. Starting with questions like: How would you know you're applying at the type of company you want to work at? How could you find that out before accepting a position? If things don't turn out the way you want, how could you turn your critic-voice into a grounded, solutions-oriented voice as soon as possible, to regain control? And on the independent side, what's the minimum you need to make to survive? Additionally, putting those together, what kind of PT or FT employment runway might you need--how long would you need to work & how much would you need to save, as a launch-to-independence stage? Caveat, you'd probably need to get into the details, which will require a rested, patient mindset. You are already forecasting in your post, which is generally automatically based on your past experience. But the future will have to be different. This means you'll need a lot of trust in yourself, more than you may have right now, for any kind of progress to feel good. A lot of little successes are needed from here. And a more objective self-trust system based on new experiences & accomplishments may need to be designed, constructed, experienced going forward. As a coach myself I'd generally grade your success from here based on how much of this ends up in something like a milestone-focused schedule or spreadsheet that you are actively using, revising, & sharing for accountability on a weekly basis. IOW, subjective mental reflections are not on their own generally reliable for a challenging process like this. Emotions will tend to creep in at the wrong times unless objective measurements are the mainstay. I would also try other objective-ish methods, e.g. any journaling should be done in the third person before using first person. BTW It may also be important to build your own system of getting recognition for your contributions, no matter where you're working. This is very much a thing and IIRC some articles along those lines have been posted here. Get what you deserve. Good luck from here, however this goes for you.