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In the Netherlands there used to be a TV show where victims would explain how being bullied dramatically affected them far into adulthood. At the end of the epi

by fleddr 4y ago

In the Netherlands there used to be a TV show where victims would explain how being bullied dramatically affected them far into adulthood. At the end of the episode, they'd meet their bully. The consistent pattern across episodes is interesting. Pretty much every time the bully barely (or not at all) remembered the bullying. Not as a type of denial, they were genuinely shocked to learn that they were a bully, or that the bullying they did remember had such massive impact. And when you looked at these grown up bullies, they seemed perfectly normal and reasonable adults. Not at all mean, manipulative, aggressive, or cut-throat. Whilst none of this helps those victims, it does tell us that bullying is not some permanent character trait. It seems more a fleeting behavior of an undeveloped human being. Probably often performed under group pressure, being an "also-bully". I think that's a much different take from the notion that it's some highly planned, rational behavior driven by evil.

bigDinosaur 4y ago
There are many adult bullies, and while I'm not sure if they were also bullies when they were kids it's certainly not the case that it's necessarily a temporary stage of someone's development. Adult bullies tend to operate quite differently, though, and can be much smarter about plausible deniability.
- fleddr 4y ago
  Absolutely not suggesting that adult bullies do not exist, so agreed.
steve_adams_86 4y ago
I know my son has bullying tendencies, and he actually struggles to maintain close friendships because of it. Like you say though, it isn’t intentional at all. He would much rather keep his friends and have an easier time socializing. The trouble is that he, for some reason, sees elevating himself and pushing others down as an appropriate thing to do at times. He is fairly insecure and reflexively does this. His mom is quite similar, and like him, also unaware of how it affects people. When either of them do this, they are entirely oblivious to how uncomfortable or upset they’ve made someone feel. His mom is much better at apologizing even if incredulously, but he still lacks the social tact to recognize the importance of acknowledging and apologizing if it was insensitive. If anything, over time he may actually be less receptive to the idea that he’s doing anything at all. I have no doubt that many kids will think he was a bit of a jock and a bully later in life. He will remember school as a somewhat lonely and confusing point in time. Even discussing this with him openly has yielded no results. It makes no sense to him. Likewise, his mom is also still positive that anyone she offends simply misunderstood her, or that people are too sensitive or lack a sense of humour. I wish I understood it better. At any rate, I’m fairly certain that a lot of bullies are very misunderstood and often potentially quite miserable and lonely. The more they push people away, the fewer opportunities they get to grow and improve themselves with deeper relationships. It’s not a good situation for anyone.

by fleddr 4y ago

bigDinosaur 4y ago

There are many adult bullies, and while I'm not sure if they were also bullies when they were kids it's certainly not the case that it's necessarily a temporary stage of someone's development. Adult bullies tend to operate quite differently, though, and can be much smarter about plausible deniability.

fleddr 4y ago
Absolutely not suggesting that adult bullies do not exist, so agreed.

steve_adams_86 4y ago

I know my son has bullying tendencies, and he actually struggles to maintain close friendships because of it. Like you say though, it isn’t intentional at all. He would much rather keep his friends and have an easier time socializing. The trouble is that he, for some reason, sees elevating himself and pushing others down as an appropriate thing to do at times. He is fairly insecure and reflexively does this. His mom is quite similar, and like him, also unaware of how it affects people. When either of them do this, they are entirely oblivious to how uncomfortable or upset they’ve made someone feel. His mom is much better at apologizing even if incredulously, but he still lacks the social tact to recognize the importance of acknowledging and apologizing if it was insensitive. If anything, over time he may actually be less receptive to the idea that he’s doing anything at all. I have no doubt that many kids will think he was a bit of a jock and a bully later in life. He will remember school as a somewhat lonely and confusing point in time. Even discussing this with him openly has yielded no results. It makes no sense to him. Likewise, his mom is also still positive that anyone she offends simply misunderstood her, or that people are too sensitive or lack a sense of humour. I wish I understood it better. At any rate, I’m fairly certain that a lot of bullies are very misunderstood and often potentially quite miserable and lonely. The more they push people away, the fewer opportunities they get to grow and improve themselves with deeper relationships. It’s not a good situation for anyone.