3 ms·

I'm always going to caveat this with a request to get permission before bringing food. Aside from all the usual dietary concerns, it can backfire the same ways

I'm always going to caveat this with a request to get permission before bringing food. Aside from all the usual dietary concerns, it can backfire the same ways as other well-meaning acts - flowers that die in front of you, cards or gifts that make the worst memories persist. If multiple people do this without coordination, or I'm not hungry or simply don't like it, I felt guilty throwing it out. Even if I did eat it, if I ate it alone I associated that food with the grief and absence in that moment, which compounded the grief and made me resent the food, which festered guilt anyway. What I wanted so, so, so much more than the food was the company. I'd take a frozen pizza or a cold drive-thru burger and an evening of talking in those first weeks and months over a delicious homecooked meal that was dropped off with a brief visit and left alone with me, every single time. Staying as company felt inclusive and distracting in ways that helped. Dropping it off felt like I was a burden, a responsibility getting checked off of a list. In retrospect I know better, but in the moment it was a dangerous feeling. If that's all you can do, it's more than nothing, and it can be appreciated. But just ask first, communicate that, if you can then offer to do more when you're able to.

prawn 4y ago
In a short span, we were brought 3-4 butter chickens and 3-4 lasagnes, none of which our kids will eat and all brought mostly at the same time. I was putting lasagne in the compost last night after the children all turned it down. My wife is grieving her sister and was hoping not to receive flowers, though that has proven hard to avoid and they're starting to die off. Helping with food after the funeral, helping with tasks like picking up the children, dropping off some kitchen staples, etc have certainly been appreciated.

prawn 4y ago

In a short span, we were brought 3-4 butter chickens and 3-4 lasagnes, none of which our kids will eat and all brought mostly at the same time. I was putting lasagne in the compost last night after the children all turned it down. My wife is grieving her sister and was hoping not to receive flowers, though that has proven hard to avoid and they're starting to die off. Helping with food after the funeral, helping with tasks like picking up the children, dropping off some kitchen staples, etc have certainly been appreciated.