youve got it all wrong now. Ever since I read an article about farmhands and astute svelt businessmen who stand at 18th century lecterns conducting traditional

youve got it all wrong now. Ever since I read an article about farmhands and astute svelt businessmen who stand at 18th century lecterns conducting traditional old fashioned business I learned our modern diet is causing everything from climate change to the inevitable heat death of the universe itself. Cornkids and Soyboys beware, for what I propose is a radical change in everything youve ever known about putting a thing into your mouth. For the past 1500 years ive made it a point to eat nothing but the rancid dew-pocked suet in unattended suburban bird feeders for breakfast. My lunch is a simple trip back to those very same bird feeders, and --you guessed it buddy-- dinner is a quick helping of that sweet greasy nectar of the caged brick full of seeds and lawn detritus. Most people say they cannot believe their eyes when they see what i look like, or how I managed to stay so physically fit, or where all their suet keeps going to. I hope to start a blog soon where i will expound upon the brilliance of giving up old fashioned coffee as well in favour of a modern advancement in nutrition i call, contact cement and model epoxy.