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Serious question. For those who have had close friends in their late teens to mid 20s, do you still have close friends after a significant life event like gett

Serious question. For those who have had close friends in their late teens to mid 20s, do you still have close friends after a significant life event like getting a job, getting married, moving to a new city, having a baby, etc? I relate with the author of this article in my 20s, but cannot relate at all in my 30s because my life has significantly changed (for the better).

zerkten 4y ago
No, but a better answer is probably that the relationships are different. As with most HN advice it's completely contextual. Close friends from before the transitionary period are still people I can connect with to a large extent. Not all are people I'd now want to spend a lot of time with because time is so limited. Making new close friends is something I've somewhat given up on based on the fact that I've moved so far away, now have had to prioritize work and family, etc. I suspect there will be fleeting opportunities as the kids create introductions and I perhaps get more time for hobbies/volunteering. I think things are very dependent on circumstances. People commenting and giving advice only have knowledge of X circumstances, but there are really Y or X number of them out there. This means that I get left feeling like I'm doing something wrong, missing out, etc. based on how others describe life. Anxiety and other mental challenges affect how I feel too. Things aren't that bad when I actually take a big step back and think about life though.
nonameiguess 4y ago
Nope. I had plenty of close friends through my mid-20s, but now at 42, after moving away to another state, I still believe we have enough accumulated trust and love that I'd give those people just about about anything, and feel comfortable sharing anything, and I'm reasonably sure they all feel the same way, but we haven't kept in regular contact. I'm not a phone conversation person and never have been, and quit all social media years ago to preserve my sanity. Regular visits aren't feasible because of the distance and the visits I can manage are ones in which I prioritize seeing my family over anyone else. I don't have any serious complaints. I'm not lonely and people aren't super-important to me. I've got my wife and my cats and that's enough. I have no idea what I'd do today to make new friends that would ever be anywhere near what my old friends were. Those were people I saw day-in and day-out for years since we were in school together, we shared major life events and formative experiences that can't ever be repeated, and spent a level of time together that simply isn't feasible for so many reasons, from having a full-time job to having to prioritize time with my wife to no longer having the capacity and energy to go out and stay up late on any kind of regular basis. Again, I have no complaints, but I don't see how it's realistic or possible in most cases to ever make friends as an adult that are as close as the friends you make and maintain throughout childhood and teenage years, other than a life partner or partners you actually live with.
jrochkind1 4y ago
Wait, you're saying you can't relate anymore because you don't have close friends anymore and don't want any? Or because you have close friends naturally so don't need to analyze how to do it? I am older than my 20s, and have moved jobs and cities a couple times, but I don't have a spouse or kids. I still have some close friends (including one or two i've had since my 20s and one or two i've met subsequently), but would personally like more and closer. I'm not sure if that answers your questions! My guess is a lot of people in our particular society in the USA stop having close friends when they have a spouse and kids... but I don't this this is true in all places and times, and I personally suspect it's not very healthy and people would be doing so much better in many ways, including unexpected ones in ways people don't realize would be affected by this, if they had more non-family intimacy. But whatever works!
- thenerdhead 4y ago
  That I had close friends until I got older and had more responsibilities in life. That I relate with how to do it, but I don't have time to do it because it is not as important to me at this stage in my life.
  - jrochkind1 4y ago
    I honestly can't imagine close friends not being important to me!
inkcapmushroom 4y ago
For me the only close friends I have kept through my 20's and many life-changing events are ones I made in high school, and mostly because of Discord. Being able to virtually hang out has made it possible for me to maintain relationships after a move which I wouldn't have been able to keep up before.
sabellito 4y ago
I've kept 3 very close friends (they don't know each other), and now we live in 3 different continents. One I met in my teens, another in my early twenties, and another when I was almost 30. We're all almost 40 now and keep daily contact via text and have a call once every 2 months or so. They're the people I ask advice to and share good and bad news. There's no secret to it, we're just on eachother's minds and ping one another frequently.
SoftTalker 4y ago
Nope. I had my closest friendships in high school and college. I haven't talked to any of those people in 30+ years (nor have any of them reached out to me). Careers, relocations, families happened. Life has forks like this where paths separate and never rejoin. And no, I didn't make new friends in the same way. Being young with a lot of time and no responsibilities doesn't ever come back.

zerkten 4y ago

No, but a better answer is probably that the relationships are different. As with most HN advice it's completely contextual. Close friends from before the transitionary period are still people I can connect with to a large extent. Not all are people I'd now want to spend a lot of time with because time is so limited. Making new close friends is something I've somewhat given up on based on the fact that I've moved so far away, now have had to prioritize work and family, etc. I suspect there will be fleeting opportunities as the kids create introductions and I perhaps get more time for hobbies/volunteering. I think things are very dependent on circumstances. People commenting and giving advice only have knowledge of X circumstances, but there are really Y or X number of them out there. This means that I get left feeling like I'm doing something wrong, missing out, etc. based on how others describe life. Anxiety and other mental challenges affect how I feel too. Things aren't that bad when I actually take a big step back and think about life though.

nonameiguess 4y ago

Nope. I had plenty of close friends through my mid-20s, but now at 42, after moving away to another state, I still believe we have enough accumulated trust and love that I'd give those people just about about anything, and feel comfortable sharing anything, and I'm reasonably sure they all feel the same way, but we haven't kept in regular contact. I'm not a phone conversation person and never have been, and quit all social media years ago to preserve my sanity. Regular visits aren't feasible because of the distance and the visits I can manage are ones in which I prioritize seeing my family over anyone else. I don't have any serious complaints. I'm not lonely and people aren't super-important to me. I've got my wife and my cats and that's enough. I have no idea what I'd do today to make new friends that would ever be anywhere near what my old friends were. Those were people I saw day-in and day-out for years since we were in school together, we shared major life events and formative experiences that can't ever be repeated, and spent a level of time together that simply isn't feasible for so many reasons, from having a full-time job to having to prioritize time with my wife to no longer having the capacity and energy to go out and stay up late on any kind of regular basis. Again, I have no complaints, but I don't see how it's realistic or possible in most cases to ever make friends as an adult that are as close as the friends you make and maintain throughout childhood and teenage years, other than a life partner or partners you actually live with.

jrochkind1 4y ago

Wait, you're saying you can't relate anymore because you don't have close friends anymore and don't want any? Or because you have close friends naturally so don't need to analyze how to do it? I am older than my 20s, and have moved jobs and cities a couple times, but I don't have a spouse or kids. I still have some close friends (including one or two i've had since my 20s and one or two i've met subsequently), but would personally like more and closer. I'm not sure if that answers your questions! My guess is a lot of people in our particular society in the USA stop having close friends when they have a spouse and kids... but I don't this this is true in all places and times, and I personally suspect it's not very healthy and people would be doing so much better in many ways, including unexpected ones in ways people don't realize would be affected by this, if they had more non-family intimacy. But whatever works!

thenerdhead 4y ago
That I had close friends until I got older and had more responsibilities in life. That I relate with how to do it, but I don't have time to do it because it is not as important to me at this stage in my life.
- jrochkind1 4y ago
  I honestly can't imagine close friends not being important to me!

inkcapmushroom 4y ago

For me the only close friends I have kept through my 20's and many life-changing events are ones I made in high school, and mostly because of Discord. Being able to virtually hang out has made it possible for me to maintain relationships after a move which I wouldn't have been able to keep up before.

sabellito 4y ago

I've kept 3 very close friends (they don't know each other), and now we live in 3 different continents. One I met in my teens, another in my early twenties, and another when I was almost 30. We're all almost 40 now and keep daily contact via text and have a call once every 2 months or so. They're the people I ask advice to and share good and bad news. There's no secret to it, we're just on eachother's minds and ping one another frequently.

SoftTalker 4y ago

Nope. I had my closest friendships in high school and college. I haven't talked to any of those people in 30+ years (nor have any of them reached out to me). Careers, relocations, families happened. Life has forks like this where paths separate and never rejoin. And no, I didn't make new friends in the same way. Being young with a lot of time and no responsibilities doesn't ever come back.