3 ms·

Say you're in a position where you get a lot of criticism. Now there's good criticism where people bring up legitimate concerns that genuinely make things bett

Say you're in a position where you get a lot of criticism. Now there's good criticism where people bring up legitimate concerns that genuinely make things better. This is done usually at tasteful times(Q&A, etc) or in private. But there's also bad criticism. Some might call it cynicism. The type of criticism provided for self-interest or to make someone else look good and you bad in the moment. They usually save their criticism for an opportune moment such as presenting in front of the leadership teams. While "don't feel attacked" is useful for good criticism, you know you are being attacked by the cynic. It is less of a "don't feel attacked" feeling and more of a "here it comes" type of feeling. I think emotionally intelligent people know how to stay stoic through all the types of criticism, skepticism, cynicism, and sarcasm coming your way. Many of the books on emotional intelligence try to frame feedback as a means to address the problem and not you. But the reality in the world is that some people will simply not like you. Being emotionally intelligent means recognizing this when being criticized. i.e. self-awareness

msrenee 4y ago
I've found that heated verbal arguments almost always end with me looking like the asshole. It's the parable about wrestling a pig in mud, you both look nasty and the pig enjoys itself. Instead, I try to calmly answer in as few words as possible using kind, non-committal language. Folks have figured out that when I'm not cussing anymore is when I'm pissed. Also using lots of "I feel" phrases instead of "you are". "I feel like this is something we should talk about in private" rather than "You know this isn't the appropriate time for this discussion.".
- shapefrog 4y ago
  "I feel" You lose instantly, feelings are not facts - but often getting drawn into heated exchanges there is an asymetry of information (or asymetry of honesty) that makes actual balanced conversation impossible. The only winning move is not to play.
  - zach_garwood 4y ago
    "I feel..." IS a fact, and it can't be refuted by the other person.
    - msrenee 4y ago
      Exactly. You don't win against an asshole by arguing. You win by either getting them to understand where you're coming from or by letting them show their true colors while maintaining the moral high ground.

msrenee 4y ago

I've found that heated verbal arguments almost always end with me looking like the asshole. It's the parable about wrestling a pig in mud, you both look nasty and the pig enjoys itself. Instead, I try to calmly answer in as few words as possible using kind, non-committal language. Folks have figured out that when I'm not cussing anymore is when I'm pissed. Also using lots of "I feel" phrases instead of "you are". "I feel like this is something we should talk about in private" rather than "You know this isn't the appropriate time for this discussion.".

shapefrog 4y ago
"I feel" You lose instantly, feelings are not facts - but often getting drawn into heated exchanges there is an asymetry of information (or asymetry of honesty) that makes actual balanced conversation impossible. The only winning move is not to play.
- zach_garwood 4y ago
  "I feel..." IS a fact, and it can't be refuted by the other person.
  - msrenee 4y ago
    Exactly. You don't win against an asshole by arguing. You win by either getting them to understand where you're coming from or by letting them show their true colors while maintaining the moral high ground.