5 ms·

I (like other commenters) can understand where you coming from. There are, of course, lots of solutions if you are willing to try them. Out of curiosity, have

I (like other commenters) can understand where you coming from. There are, of course, lots of solutions if you are willing to try them. Out of curiosity, have you tried the easy ones, like regularly inviting other folks over for a group dinner? Or joining a rec league, or a shared activity group? The latter is nice, as it's a weekly forcing function.

EE84M3i 4y ago
>have you tried the easy ones, like regularly inviting other folks over for a group dinner? Frankly, this made me laugh out loud. 1. Who am I going to invite? It's not like I have old connections to rekindle. 2. I have a tiny apartment and couldn't exactly host many guests. My table could theoretically sit four if I rearranged some things (the max it's ever had is 2) 3. Considering I'm not exactly a socialite now (It's been a while since I went to a dinner party or anything), I have absolutely zero confidence in hosting one myself. So, maybe this is all in my head, but it doesn't seem easy to me at all.
- pbronez 4y ago
  You live in an apartment? Who else lives on your building? In a decent sized building I bet you’re not the only lonely person. Find the other ones, and create some social thing that’s easy to say yes to. Dinner is straightforward. Other excuses include book clubs, movie viewings, crafts, community garden, volunteering, etc. For a dinner, if your apartment is small, use a common space. If you don’t have a common room, do it outdoors. If you don’t have picnic tables, go to a park. If you don’t cook, have a potluck. If nobody cooks, order in. Don’t allow yourself to give up before you start. Focus on: (1) identify a pool of people worth interacting with (Eg neighbors, hobby enthusiasts, co-religionists) (2.a) find where those people gather and join them (2.b) if they don’t gather yet, convene them yourself in a way that is easy for them and you. This whole thing is absolutely work though. 2.a is way easier than 2.b.
  - bittercynic 4y ago
    I think you are taking for granted a huge body of knowledge that some of us are lacking. Hosting a dinner gathering is complicated. What foods do you serve? What time? Do you complete all the food prep before guests arrive? If you are chatting over appetizers, how do you invite your guests to the table for the main meal? There's not just one right way to do these things, but if you're trying to host a dinner party for people who you're not already comfortable socializing with, each little thing can feel like "Am I doing this right? <panic>"
    - bch 4y ago
      > "Am I doing this right? <panic>" I can appreciate that. I also bet that everybody would appreciate the effort even if things didn’t proceed like a scene from a movie.
      - BigRedDog1669 4y ago
        Yea, don't worry too much. If someone invited me into an almost empty apartment and gave me spaghetti and just seemed interested in talking to me I would be really appreciative. I have friends (some of whom who are really good cooks) but almost nobody that I don't already know puts effort into talking to me or becoming friends so that would feel super nice.
    - prawn 4y ago
      Order takeaway - it's perfectly acceptable with the right framing. We have people around quite regularly and I like cooking, but still defer to takeaway at times: you're busy, or getting home from work too late to cook, heard about a new restaurant and wanted to see how their [dish] compared to others. Don't overthink it. If you start early, have a drink first. If you want people to move to the table, say "Hey - I'm starving. Let's sit and eat!" My step-mother-in-law, literally every dinner she hosts says after initial chitchat, "Can I interest you in a cleansing ale?" Haha. If you're nervous about what you've made, say "This is the first time I've made this, so apologies in advance!" If you don't know what to start with, just buy good bread and good oil or fancy butter and no one is going to execute you for that - all you have to do then is slice the bread. Save any pressure for the main meal. For dessert, break out a fancy block of chocolate and make a "Laboured all day over this" joke. Amongst friends, no one gets fussed about this. You could literally say, "You know, I've never hosted anyone for dinner. I made a resolution to get comfortable doing it and the year's almost over. I'm trying to get 2-3 people together for a practice run." Or to a sociable person you have some rapport with: "I have a couple of friends I'd like to have around for dinner but honestly, I'm pretty hopeless and have no idea what I'm doing. Assuming you know what you're doing, can you show me through it?" Or find another hapless rookie and give it a shot together. Promise each other it will be an awkward disaster, so the only way is up.

EE84M3i 4y ago

>have you tried the easy ones, like regularly inviting other folks over for a group dinner? Frankly, this made me laugh out loud. 1. Who am I going to invite? It's not like I have old connections to rekindle. 2. I have a tiny apartment and couldn't exactly host many guests. My table could theoretically sit four if I rearranged some things (the max it's ever had is 2) 3. Considering I'm not exactly a socialite now (It's been a while since I went to a dinner party or anything), I have absolutely zero confidence in hosting one myself. So, maybe this is all in my head, but it doesn't seem easy to me at all.

pbronez 4y ago
You live in an apartment? Who else lives on your building? In a decent sized building I bet you’re not the only lonely person. Find the other ones, and create some social thing that’s easy to say yes to. Dinner is straightforward. Other excuses include book clubs, movie viewings, crafts, community garden, volunteering, etc. For a dinner, if your apartment is small, use a common space. If you don’t have a common room, do it outdoors. If you don’t have picnic tables, go to a park. If you don’t cook, have a potluck. If nobody cooks, order in. Don’t allow yourself to give up before you start. Focus on: (1) identify a pool of people worth interacting with (Eg neighbors, hobby enthusiasts, co-religionists) (2.a) find where those people gather and join them (2.b) if they don’t gather yet, convene them yourself in a way that is easy for them and you. This whole thing is absolutely work though. 2.a is way easier than 2.b.
- bittercynic 4y ago
  I think you are taking for granted a huge body of knowledge that some of us are lacking. Hosting a dinner gathering is complicated. What foods do you serve? What time? Do you complete all the food prep before guests arrive? If you are chatting over appetizers, how do you invite your guests to the table for the main meal? There's not just one right way to do these things, but if you're trying to host a dinner party for people who you're not already comfortable socializing with, each little thing can feel like "Am I doing this right? <panic>"
  - bch 4y ago
    > "Am I doing this right? <panic>" I can appreciate that. I also bet that everybody would appreciate the effort even if things didn’t proceed like a scene from a movie.
    - BigRedDog1669 4y ago
      Yea, don't worry too much. If someone invited me into an almost empty apartment and gave me spaghetti and just seemed interested in talking to me I would be really appreciative. I have friends (some of whom who are really good cooks) but almost nobody that I don't already know puts effort into talking to me or becoming friends so that would feel super nice.
  - prawn 4y ago
    Order takeaway - it's perfectly acceptable with the right framing. We have people around quite regularly and I like cooking, but still defer to takeaway at times: you're busy, or getting home from work too late to cook, heard about a new restaurant and wanted to see how their [dish] compared to others. Don't overthink it. If you start early, have a drink first. If you want people to move to the table, say "Hey - I'm starving. Let's sit and eat!" My step-mother-in-law, literally every dinner she hosts says after initial chitchat, "Can I interest you in a cleansing ale?" Haha. If you're nervous about what you've made, say "This is the first time I've made this, so apologies in advance!" If you don't know what to start with, just buy good bread and good oil or fancy butter and no one is going to execute you for that - all you have to do then is slice the bread. Save any pressure for the main meal. For dessert, break out a fancy block of chocolate and make a "Laboured all day over this" joke. Amongst friends, no one gets fussed about this. You could literally say, "You know, I've never hosted anyone for dinner. I made a resolution to get comfortable doing it and the year's almost over. I'm trying to get 2-3 people together for a practice run." Or to a sociable person you have some rapport with: "I have a couple of friends I'd like to have around for dinner but honestly, I'm pretty hopeless and have no idea what I'm doing. Assuming you know what you're doing, can you show me through it?" Or find another hapless rookie and give it a shot together. Promise each other it will be an awkward disaster, so the only way is up.