6 ms·

Gratitude, kindness, and explicit acknowledgement of appreciation for others really does go a long way. However, I feel like I've been meeting more people in t

Gratitude, kindness, and explicit acknowledgement of appreciation for others really does go a long way. However, I feel like I've been meeting more people in the workplace who read articles like this and implement it in a robotic, forced manner. Like they're using it as a tool to get what they want out of others, as opposed to a genuine expression of how they feel. Genuine gratitude goes much further than just going through the motions because an online article said it was a good thing to do.

bjornsing 4y ago
LinkedIn post: ”I am humbled and grateful to announce…”
netsharc 4y ago
Reminds me of a movie adaptation of "A Brave New World" where everyone greets each other with "Hey how are you I'm great thank you".
- daseiner1 4y ago
  likewise in Godard's (RIP) Alphaville
- galaxyLogic 4y ago
  When I moved to US I was at first startled when neighbors and others asked me "How do you do?" while walking past me on the side-walk. Of course it just meant the same as "hello". But I wasn't expecting it. So I started thinking how do I do? And what should I tell them about that? By the time I had come up with some kind of answer they had already passed me by. I didn't realize I was supposed to answer by asking the same question from them, or some slight variation thereof.
  - euvitudo 4y ago
    Like in Brazil. “Tudo bem?” “Tudo bem!” I have a Peruvian friend who had a similar experience. He would relate that when you would ask someone in his country how they’re doing, it was expected that that would be the beginning of a (possibly brief, but probably not so brief) discussion.
  - jamiek88 4y ago
    Often American visitors to the north of England are very confused when they are constantly asked 'Alright?' or 'you alright, mate?' - one got very paranoid asking me (because I've been in US for 20 year and I am bilingual American/British!!) wtf was obviously wrong with him causing the concern. I explained it means, essentially, what's up. If you bumped into a pal and said 'sup and he then went on to explain his day at length that would be weird, right? American and English, it's almost the same language.
- nickd2001 4y ago
  This really happened to me : Person C : "How's Person V doing?" Me : "Sadly he had to go back to India 'cos his Dad died" Person C: "Oh, cool, cool" What the .... ? Person C clearly wasn't listening , I don't think he meant to be quite so uncaring.. maybe I wasn't meant to actually answer the question....
ianmcgowan 4y ago
I like to call this "toxic positivity". Forced cheeriness about the grind, the hustle, we're all in this together, etc. Better than negativity, but not by much.
- dinosaurdynasty 4y ago
  I'm not sure it's better than negativity to be honest. Honest negativity is at least honest.
  - FollowingTheDao 4y ago
    Honesty, yes, that is what is missing. Why the moral judgments on positive or negative? They both have their place. It’s the moralizing of positive or negative that causes problems in society. And yes, I blame social media because advertisers love focusing on just the positive and not the negative.
    - dinosaurdynasty 4y ago
      There's definitely some bad toxic negativity (that one British chef that goes crazy with expletives in American shows comes to mind). But "we can't express negativity whatsoever, we must express that everything is totally fine even when we're wading through shit" is its own kind of horrible.
  - deleted 4y ago
    [deleted]
  - skeeter2020 4y ago
    that's just a unconventional way of describing constructive criticism in my mind though, which can still be done in a positive way.
    - dinosaurdynasty 4y ago
      Constructive criticism isn't toxic positivity. Toxic positivity is "all criticism is negative, therefore no criticism".
bluedino 4y ago
Kind of how every salesperson gives the same canned response to any question during a Zoom call. "So, do you charge extra for single-sign on?" Yea. Wow. Great question. Many of our customers have asked...
- quickthrower2 4y ago
  “SSO is free with the Enterprise bundle” Atlassian: not even then!
deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
achairapart 4y ago
I know a person or two who have a natural gift expressing genuine gratitude. I can also imagine that if such a gift was very common the world would be populated mostly by con men.
Jill_the_Pill 4y ago
My students have lately taken to thanking me for my time and help every time we speak. It's sort of sweet, but not if some coach told them to do it to attract opportunities. It's getting to where I silently add "Mrs. Cleaver" to every effusive thank-you. (That is an old-folks joke; you'll just have to duck-duck it.)
- chrisdhoover 4y ago
  Nah, I get the model for obsequious behavior.
xbar 4y ago
This is all true. I cannot control them but I can remind myself to experience gratitude daily. I can also identify appropriate sources for my gratitude lest someone should try to leverage my gratitude for their purposes.
omginternets 4y ago
There's no way around the fact that instrumental kindness, gratitude and appreciation aren't really kindness, gratitude and appreciation.
Nathanba 4y ago
I think so too and I think our entire society is absolutely drenched in this kind of self focused "love", "gratitude" and "kindness". I don't think people are even aware that they are not supposed to distort concepts like that, I don't think they even view it as a distortion anymore. I think they think that love is of course always benefitting them, why wouldn't it? Even though the real meaning of love does not in any way require that there will be a personal benefit in the end. The same goes for gratitude. It works so well for them because it's extremely hard to peak behind the curtain. You only notice that the other person isn't for real when you see a pattern of actions and results that somehow only ever benefits them. That's when I wisened up to people who use love/etc. as weapons. I think it's almost psychotic how it presents itself in people who subscribe to that because it's a total corruption of the original meaning of the word but on its surface it's the perfect mimic. They act loving, they act gracious 100% of the time. However here is the kicker: They lovingly and graciously evade the outcome or action if there is no benefit for them or work for them to do with no clear upside for them. Suddenly they have all kinds of good excuses why this isn't the right time right now. Suddenly when you realize this pattern, you realize that you are not dealing with a real loving person, you are dealing with someone that uses the skin of love as a mantle.
- chris123 4y ago
- stockboss 4y ago
  Wow. I thought I was the only person who felt this way. I've met so many people, and am family to even some of these ilk, and with years of thought and analysis I eventually realized this exact thing you've articulated so well in this post, especially in the 2nd paragraph.
- nickd2001 4y ago
  To test if someone is being loving, or faking it, one could use the below "official bible definition". ;). (often read out at weddings which is pretty important for people deciding to spend decades together) "1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. " I think 2 obvious bits of this missing when people fake it are "it is not self-seeking" (just like you said) and "rejoices with the truth". I don't think it's that hard to tell, or rather, if its hard to tell if someone is being loving or not, then unfortunately they probably aren't. My 2p.. YMMV etc ...
jvanderbot 4y ago
I know a person at work that clearly read Dale Carnegie far too often. Hes implemented each strategy precisely and it's a bit exhausting. But I also suspect it's him building a framework for genuine connection, even if it's templated.
libraryatnight 4y ago
Ugh, one of my least favorite feelings is when I can tell someone is attempting some 'method' on me or a group I'm in. It instantly moves them into the "treat with caution" column in my brain.

bjornsing 4y ago

LinkedIn post: ”I am humbled and grateful to announce…”

netsharc 4y ago

Reminds me of a movie adaptation of "A Brave New World" where everyone greets each other with "Hey how are you I'm great thank you".

daseiner1 4y ago
likewise in Godard's (RIP) Alphaville
galaxyLogic 4y ago
When I moved to US I was at first startled when neighbors and others asked me "How do you do?" while walking past me on the side-walk. Of course it just meant the same as "hello". But I wasn't expecting it. So I started thinking how do I do? And what should I tell them about that? By the time I had come up with some kind of answer they had already passed me by. I didn't realize I was supposed to answer by asking the same question from them, or some slight variation thereof.
- euvitudo 4y ago
  Like in Brazil. “Tudo bem?” “Tudo bem!” I have a Peruvian friend who had a similar experience. He would relate that when you would ask someone in his country how they’re doing, it was expected that that would be the beginning of a (possibly brief, but probably not so brief) discussion.
- jamiek88 4y ago
  Often American visitors to the north of England are very confused when they are constantly asked 'Alright?' or 'you alright, mate?' - one got very paranoid asking me (because I've been in US for 20 year and I am bilingual American/British!!) wtf was obviously wrong with him causing the concern. I explained it means, essentially, what's up. If you bumped into a pal and said 'sup and he then went on to explain his day at length that would be weird, right? American and English, it's almost the same language.
nickd2001 4y ago
This really happened to me : Person C : "How's Person V doing?" Me : "Sadly he had to go back to India 'cos his Dad died" Person C: "Oh, cool, cool" What the .... ? Person C clearly wasn't listening , I don't think he meant to be quite so uncaring.. maybe I wasn't meant to actually answer the question....

ianmcgowan 4y ago

I like to call this "toxic positivity". Forced cheeriness about the grind, the hustle, we're all in this together, etc. Better than negativity, but not by much.

dinosaurdynasty 4y ago
I'm not sure it's better than negativity to be honest. Honest negativity is at least honest.
- FollowingTheDao 4y ago
  Honesty, yes, that is what is missing. Why the moral judgments on positive or negative? They both have their place. It’s the moralizing of positive or negative that causes problems in society. And yes, I blame social media because advertisers love focusing on just the positive and not the negative.
  - dinosaurdynasty 4y ago
    There's definitely some bad toxic negativity (that one British chef that goes crazy with expletives in American shows comes to mind). But "we can't express negativity whatsoever, we must express that everything is totally fine even when we're wading through shit" is its own kind of horrible.
- deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
- skeeter2020 4y ago
  that's just a unconventional way of describing constructive criticism in my mind though, which can still be done in a positive way.
  - dinosaurdynasty 4y ago
    Constructive criticism isn't toxic positivity. Toxic positivity is "all criticism is negative, therefore no criticism".

bluedino 4y ago

Kind of how every salesperson gives the same canned response to any question during a Zoom call. "So, do you charge extra for single-sign on?" Yea. Wow. Great question. Many of our customers have asked...

quickthrower2 4y ago
“SSO is free with the Enterprise bundle” Atlassian: not even then!

deleted 4y ago

[deleted]

achairapart 4y ago

I know a person or two who have a natural gift expressing genuine gratitude. I can also imagine that if such a gift was very common the world would be populated mostly by con men.

Jill_the_Pill 4y ago

My students have lately taken to thanking me for my time and help every time we speak. It's sort of sweet, but not if some coach told them to do it to attract opportunities. It's getting to where I silently add "Mrs. Cleaver" to every effusive thank-you. (That is an old-folks joke; you'll just have to duck-duck it.)

chrisdhoover 4y ago
Nah, I get the model for obsequious behavior.

xbar 4y ago

This is all true. I cannot control them but I can remind myself to experience gratitude daily. I can also identify appropriate sources for my gratitude lest someone should try to leverage my gratitude for their purposes.

omginternets 4y ago

There's no way around the fact that instrumental kindness, gratitude and appreciation aren't really kindness, gratitude and appreciation.

Nathanba 4y ago

I think so too and I think our entire society is absolutely drenched in this kind of self focused "love", "gratitude" and "kindness". I don't think people are even aware that they are not supposed to distort concepts like that, I don't think they even view it as a distortion anymore. I think they think that love is of course always benefitting them, why wouldn't it? Even though the real meaning of love does not in any way require that there will be a personal benefit in the end. The same goes for gratitude. It works so well for them because it's extremely hard to peak behind the curtain. You only notice that the other person isn't for real when you see a pattern of actions and results that somehow only ever benefits them. That's when I wisened up to people who use love/etc. as weapons. I think it's almost psychotic how it presents itself in people who subscribe to that because it's a total corruption of the original meaning of the word but on its surface it's the perfect mimic. They act loving, they act gracious 100% of the time. However here is the kicker: They lovingly and graciously evade the outcome or action if there is no benefit for them or work for them to do with no clear upside for them. Suddenly they have all kinds of good excuses why this isn't the right time right now. Suddenly when you realize this pattern, you realize that you are not dealing with a real loving person, you are dealing with someone that uses the skin of love as a mantle.

chris123 4y ago
stockboss 4y ago
Wow. I thought I was the only person who felt this way. I've met so many people, and am family to even some of these ilk, and with years of thought and analysis I eventually realized this exact thing you've articulated so well in this post, especially in the 2nd paragraph.
nickd2001 4y ago
To test if someone is being loving, or faking it, one could use the below "official bible definition". ;). (often read out at weddings which is pretty important for people deciding to spend decades together) "1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. " I think 2 obvious bits of this missing when people fake it are "it is not self-seeking" (just like you said) and "rejoices with the truth". I don't think it's that hard to tell, or rather, if its hard to tell if someone is being loving or not, then unfortunately they probably aren't. My 2p.. YMMV etc ...

jvanderbot 4y ago

I know a person at work that clearly read Dale Carnegie far too often. Hes implemented each strategy precisely and it's a bit exhausting. But I also suspect it's him building a framework for genuine connection, even if it's templated.

libraryatnight 4y ago

Ugh, one of my least favorite feelings is when I can tell someone is attempting some 'method' on me or a group I'm in. It instantly moves them into the "treat with caution" column in my brain.