4 ms·

In my case, there is a specific reason: my parents taught me that my needs were not important, so I ignored them for a long time. I also believe that other peop

In my case, there is a specific reason: my parents taught me that my needs were not important, so I ignored them for a long time. I also believe that other people suffer from the problem.

quietthrow 4y ago
Agree as I can relate. Not listening to what you want for years results in having no inner voice. You can work towards practicing learning to listen for it but it takes commitment and some time. My psychologist told me you start with the smallest things like what would you like for lunch etc and then over time you learn to hear your voice loud and clear for things small and big. you certainly risk displeasing other people which can be extremely be hard/difficult given you were raised to think of others before you. This is especially true if you are from the east where the culture values collective good before individual good (generally speaking). The west has a generally opposite value where individuality comes first and foremost. Swinging to either ways on extreme is not good and certainly a recipie for a miserable life. I think one needs to stike a balance between utter selfishness and no individuality. And there in lies the power of values. If you have a set of values that are not universal destructive and are more constructive it can act as a North Star that guides one in making balanced choices in life
hayst4ck 4y ago
The book running on empty directly addresses this topic under the name "childhood emotional neglect (CEN)". The book effectively says that people struggle with these things like lack of purpose because of things your parents didn't do (and probably didn't know to do). So, you know something is missing, but don't know what since it never happened. The central premise of the book is that emotions are fuel for your life and if your parents didn't teach you how to understand and manage your emotions (or taught you they weren't important), then you will likely feel emotionally empty or emotionally numb. Since emotions are what give color to the world, you will struggle to manage your reward systems in ways that "fill you up." I feel like "why is it hard for people to know what they want?" is a re-wording of "how do I find my purpose?" which is a rephrasing of "I feel empty," which is a rephrasing of "I am emotionally numb." You might find relevant responses here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33534644 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33534644 It is worth reading running on empty to see if it resonates with you. I found it satisfying, mechanical, direct, and most importantly devoid of vagueness or platitudes. Very good book.
- quietthrow 4y ago
  The book already resonates based on your description of it as I through my own experiences and have come full circle wrt to emotions. As a child and till very recently I always considered myself a rational person who has to do things by reasoning. Always thought emotions muddled things and emotional people are volatile as they are extremely capricious and do things that make no sense if you were to broaden the timeline in which their actions and consequences play out. However I have now learned that our emotional system is something that is extremely useful and should not be ignored wholesale. Emotions are a fantastic source of signals that can point us in the right directions and when introspected can reveal a lot about who we are and what we desire. I now pay close attention to emotions and they often help me make choices that are more in congruence with my inner self. Using the rational and emotional parts of the brain can be spectacularly powerful. Since I have found this for myself your desc of the book seems to affirm that. Will definitely check it out. Thanks for suggesting.

In my case, there is a specific reason: my parents taught me that my needs were not important, so I ignored them for a long time. I also believe that other people suffer from the problem.

quietthrow 4y ago

Agree as I can relate. Not listening to what you want for years results in having no inner voice. You can work towards practicing learning to listen for it but it takes commitment and some time. My psychologist told me you start with the smallest things like what would you like for lunch etc and then over time you learn to hear your voice loud and clear for things small and big. you certainly risk displeasing other people which can be extremely be hard/difficult given you were raised to think of others before you. This is especially true if you are from the east where the culture values collective good before individual good (generally speaking). The west has a generally opposite value where individuality comes first and foremost. Swinging to either ways on extreme is not good and certainly a recipie for a miserable life. I think one needs to stike a balance between utter selfishness and no individuality. And there in lies the power of values. If you have a set of values that are not universal destructive and are more constructive it can act as a North Star that guides one in making balanced choices in life

hayst4ck 4y ago

The book running on empty directly addresses this topic under the name "childhood emotional neglect (CEN)". The book effectively says that people struggle with these things like lack of purpose because of things your parents didn't do (and probably didn't know to do). So, you know something is missing, but don't know what since it never happened. The central premise of the book is that emotions are fuel for your life and if your parents didn't teach you how to understand and manage your emotions (or taught you they weren't important), then you will likely feel emotionally empty or emotionally numb. Since emotions are what give color to the world, you will struggle to manage your reward systems in ways that "fill you up." I feel like "why is it hard for people to know what they want?" is a re-wording of "how do I find my purpose?" which is a rephrasing of "I feel empty," which is a rephrasing of "I am emotionally numb." You might find relevant responses here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33534644 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33534644 It is worth reading running on empty to see if it resonates with you. I found it satisfying, mechanical, direct, and most importantly devoid of vagueness or platitudes. Very good book.

quietthrow 4y ago
The book already resonates based on your description of it as I through my own experiences and have come full circle wrt to emotions. As a child and till very recently I always considered myself a rational person who has to do things by reasoning. Always thought emotions muddled things and emotional people are volatile as they are extremely capricious and do things that make no sense if you were to broaden the timeline in which their actions and consequences play out. However I have now learned that our emotional system is something that is extremely useful and should not be ignored wholesale. Emotions are a fantastic source of signals that can point us in the right directions and when introspected can reveal a lot about who we are and what we desire. I now pay close attention to emotions and they often help me make choices that are more in congruence with my inner self. Using the rational and emotional parts of the brain can be spectacularly powerful. Since I have found this for myself your desc of the book seems to affirm that. Will definitely check it out. Thanks for suggesting.