5 ms·

>I absolutely hated the mandatory 1-3 days chatting That's fascinating, as somebody who loves this period and thinks of it as a requirement to find out my comp

by savef 4y ago

>I absolutely hated the mandatory 1-3 days chatting That's fascinating, as somebody who loves this period and thinks of it as a requirement to find out my compatibility with somebody before we go on an actual date. If you're not up to scratch on the initial few days of chatting then I have no interest in taking it further. And I appreciate that many people aren't interested in this, but then it just means the two of us aren't compatible, and that's fine.

alophawen 4y ago
- watwut 4y ago
  Before internet, it was super normal to know someone in real life fairly long before asking that person out. By knowing I mean you would know a lot about their personality, reactions, interests or opinions.
  - bratbag 4y ago
    That is the exact opposite of my pre-internet experience. Pre-first-date would normally be a short bit of time in a club or pub when I first met them, before organising a more personal follow-up. There was no 'just a friend' period.
    - watwut 4y ago
      It might depend on who you socialize with. But among my peers, the dating after one meetup in club or pub was super rare. Like, I know one guy who dated like that and none of those relationships worked out. I had exactly one relationship that started with only few days on knowing each other, but those days were pretty intense (first relationships ever and short one). Pretty much everyone else including me dated people we knew before at least as acquittances. And those relationships are the ones that ended up being long term and with kids.
      - stevekemp 4y ago
        90% of my relationships between 16 and 30 started by flirting with strangers in clubs. Usually the next morning one or other of us would say "That was fun, same again next weekend?" and after a few weeks/months of that we'd be in a relationship. Sure talking about politics and similar things took some time, we started with the more physical side, but I had a good tendency to choose interesting people so even when it didn't last for any significant amount of time it was still fun, and still worthwhile.
qlm 4y ago
I find text chatting with a stranger to very difficult compared to talking in person. I've never managed to move from the chat stage on a dating app to a real date. I generally find people easy to talk to in person. All my romantic partners have been people I've met in real life. It's much easier to gauge their reactions, read their body language, etc. Waiting for a response on a chat fills me with anxiety. Once I've met someone in real life, text chatting becomes much easier.
- pmoriarty 4y ago
  "I find text chatting with a stranger to very difficult compared to talking in person" I've always just talked on the phone. I know a lot of younger people are afraid of phone conversations too, but I'm fortunate to be of an older generation for whom it's not a big deal. I guess you could also try a Zoom date.
  - AnIdiotOnTheNet 4y ago
    I'm from an older generation that used to talk on the phone a lot, and I still hate talking on the phone nowadays. I think it has something to do with the absolutely abysmal audio quality of today's phones, which makes it a lot harder for some of us to process speech and hear the more subtle vocal communications.
  - solardev 4y ago
    Those "you're muted"s really help set the mood.
moonchrome 4y ago
Personal experience - back when I was using dating apps - I was bored and wanted to have a nice time somewhere. Sure meeting someone was the goal but going to a nice place was usually the only expectation I've had. I've had meh encounters - but the places we went to were usually nice. I've had the most fun with the girl I had no interest in sexually - we went out then kept in touch and traveled around.
- giantg2 4y ago
  I'd rather just go with a friend than with some random. Seems like it'd be much more enjoyable that way. Nothing wrong with going alone too. "Table for one" should not be embarrassing.
  - moonchrome 4y ago
    It's not the same dynamic. Even when I'd met someone I wasn't clicking with - I still made an effort to make the experience pleasant and it would make the dates I was into smoother. Also when I moved to another city was a great way to get out of the apartment since I knew nobody there. Going solo is counterproductive if your goal is meeting new people.
    - ioblomov 4y ago
      A suggestion for next time: try the bar. Even if you’re not a drinker, it’s a great way to meet people, romantically or otherwise. After all, if they didn’t want to talk to random strangers, they’d be drinking/dining at home (or a table).
      - giantg2 4y ago
        I would suggest dive bars. Many of the "hip" places blast music so you can't talk.
JauntyHatAngle 4y ago
It's all personal, so you aren't wrong, but I have the near opposite opinion. I believe the days messaging are a waste of time as I have no clue if a spark is there in person before I see you in the flesh. And very quickly, short time for physical attraction, and within 2-3 minutes for interaction, I can tell if there is the potential for something growing. None of that happens in messaging beyond very basic filtering of basic comms. Messaging back and forth really doesn't mean much for me. I spend relationships with a person in the flesh, and message not very often, so initial contact on dating websites beyond a few basic messages back and forth are essentially just more dancing around before we get to the brass tax of whether there is any chance at all of attraction. But that's me and how it worked for me and my partner. Everyone's different of course.
- pmoriarty 4y ago
  "initial contact on dating websites beyond a few basic messages back and forth are essentially just more dancing around before we get to the brass tax of whether there is any chance at all of attraction." "brass tacks"[1], not "brass tax". [1] - https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/brass%20tacks https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/brass%20tacks
  - caseyscottmckay 4y ago
    Ha. TIL. Boneappletea.
  - JauntyHatAngle 4y ago
    No you see I use a brass abacus to do my tax im not an idiot I'm right thanks. Yup, saved it jaunty, you've still got it.
crossroadsguy 4y ago
My personal take is opposite of yours. No matter what amount of chemistry and compatibility I’ve built on text, it might go down the flush the moment I see you, or within first few seconds. And this happens most of the time. So yeah, that “texting period” is a waste of time; at least personally for me.

by savef 4y ago

alophawen 4y ago

watwut 4y ago
Before internet, it was super normal to know someone in real life fairly long before asking that person out. By knowing I mean you would know a lot about their personality, reactions, interests or opinions.
- bratbag 4y ago
  That is the exact opposite of my pre-internet experience. Pre-first-date would normally be a short bit of time in a club or pub when I first met them, before organising a more personal follow-up. There was no 'just a friend' period.
  - watwut 4y ago
    It might depend on who you socialize with. But among my peers, the dating after one meetup in club or pub was super rare. Like, I know one guy who dated like that and none of those relationships worked out. I had exactly one relationship that started with only few days on knowing each other, but those days were pretty intense (first relationships ever and short one). Pretty much everyone else including me dated people we knew before at least as acquittances. And those relationships are the ones that ended up being long term and with kids.
    - stevekemp 4y ago
      90% of my relationships between 16 and 30 started by flirting with strangers in clubs. Usually the next morning one or other of us would say "That was fun, same again next weekend?" and after a few weeks/months of that we'd be in a relationship. Sure talking about politics and similar things took some time, we started with the more physical side, but I had a good tendency to choose interesting people so even when it didn't last for any significant amount of time it was still fun, and still worthwhile.

qlm 4y ago

I find text chatting with a stranger to very difficult compared to talking in person. I've never managed to move from the chat stage on a dating app to a real date. I generally find people easy to talk to in person. All my romantic partners have been people I've met in real life. It's much easier to gauge their reactions, read their body language, etc. Waiting for a response on a chat fills me with anxiety. Once I've met someone in real life, text chatting becomes much easier.

pmoriarty 4y ago
"I find text chatting with a stranger to very difficult compared to talking in person" I've always just talked on the phone. I know a lot of younger people are afraid of phone conversations too, but I'm fortunate to be of an older generation for whom it's not a big deal. I guess you could also try a Zoom date.
- AnIdiotOnTheNet 4y ago
  I'm from an older generation that used to talk on the phone a lot, and I still hate talking on the phone nowadays. I think it has something to do with the absolutely abysmal audio quality of today's phones, which makes it a lot harder for some of us to process speech and hear the more subtle vocal communications.
- solardev 4y ago
  Those "you're muted"s really help set the mood.

moonchrome 4y ago

Personal experience - back when I was using dating apps - I was bored and wanted to have a nice time somewhere. Sure meeting someone was the goal but going to a nice place was usually the only expectation I've had. I've had meh encounters - but the places we went to were usually nice. I've had the most fun with the girl I had no interest in sexually - we went out then kept in touch and traveled around.

giantg2 4y ago
I'd rather just go with a friend than with some random. Seems like it'd be much more enjoyable that way. Nothing wrong with going alone too. "Table for one" should not be embarrassing.
- moonchrome 4y ago
  It's not the same dynamic. Even when I'd met someone I wasn't clicking with - I still made an effort to make the experience pleasant and it would make the dates I was into smoother. Also when I moved to another city was a great way to get out of the apartment since I knew nobody there. Going solo is counterproductive if your goal is meeting new people.
  - ioblomov 4y ago
    A suggestion for next time: try the bar. Even if you’re not a drinker, it’s a great way to meet people, romantically or otherwise. After all, if they didn’t want to talk to random strangers, they’d be drinking/dining at home (or a table).
    - giantg2 4y ago
      I would suggest dive bars. Many of the "hip" places blast music so you can't talk.

JauntyHatAngle 4y ago

It's all personal, so you aren't wrong, but I have the near opposite opinion. I believe the days messaging are a waste of time as I have no clue if a spark is there in person before I see you in the flesh. And very quickly, short time for physical attraction, and within 2-3 minutes for interaction, I can tell if there is the potential for something growing. None of that happens in messaging beyond very basic filtering of basic comms. Messaging back and forth really doesn't mean much for me. I spend relationships with a person in the flesh, and message not very often, so initial contact on dating websites beyond a few basic messages back and forth are essentially just more dancing around before we get to the brass tax of whether there is any chance at all of attraction. But that's me and how it worked for me and my partner. Everyone's different of course.

pmoriarty 4y ago
"initial contact on dating websites beyond a few basic messages back and forth are essentially just more dancing around before we get to the brass tax of whether there is any chance at all of attraction." "brass tacks"[1], not "brass tax". [1] - https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/brass%20tacks https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/brass%20tacks
- caseyscottmckay 4y ago
  Ha. TIL. Boneappletea.
- JauntyHatAngle 4y ago
  No you see I use a brass abacus to do my tax im not an idiot I'm right thanks. Yup, saved it jaunty, you've still got it.

crossroadsguy 4y ago

My personal take is opposite of yours. No matter what amount of chemistry and compatibility I’ve built on text, it might go down the flush the moment I see you, or within first few seconds. And this happens most of the time. So yeah, that “texting period” is a waste of time; at least personally for me.